How to Handle Backhanded Compliments at Work as a Woman

Imagine you just wrapped up a big project and a coworker comes up to you and says, “Wow, I didn’t think you’d pull that off! Good job!” You’re left standing there, half-smiling, unsure if you should say “Thank you” or ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?” That, friends, is a backhanded compliment.

Starting a new job, you might think the hardest part would be tackling technical challenges, just to find out that the interpersonal aspect of the office is just as important. Knowing how to swerve past these passive-aggressive compliments is a key tool to keep in your arsenal at all times. Want to know how? Let's get into it.

What is a backhanded comment?

Backhanded comments are those sneaky remarks that sound like praise but sting like a critique. They can be confusing, frustrating, and downright exhausting to deal with, especially in a professional setting where relationships and communication are key.

Some classic examples of backhand compliments include:

• You’re actually pretty good at this for someone so new.

• That’s an interesting outfit—I could never pull that off.

• You’re smarter than you look.

They might seem harmless at first glance, but these passive aggressive compliments often reveal underlying biases or insecurities and can create an uncomfortable work environment.

What's up with backhanded compliments in the workplace?

The workplace is a melting pot of personalities, egos, and stress levels, which makes it fertile ground for backhanded compliments to crop up. But why do people do it? Here are some common reasons:

1. Insecurity and competition

In a competitive workplace, some people might feel threatened by your success. A backhanded compliment can be a subtle way to undermine your confidence while masking their own insecurity. For example, “Wow, you’re already getting promoted? Must be nice to have connections.” Translation: “I’m jealous, and I’m going to downplay your achievement.”

2. Lack of self-awareness

Not everyone realizes how their words come across. And it seems like the more we stare at screens, the less we know how to properly interact with each other. What someone thinks is a compliment might be poorly phrased or unintentionally rude. 

3. Cultural differences

Working in a remote international setting? In some cultures, teasing or backhanded humor is a way of bonding. But if you’re not familiar with that dynamic, these remarks can feel more hurtful than funny.

4. Passive-aggressiveness

Let’s face it, some people are just passive-aggressive. They use backhanded compliments as a way to express resentment or criticism without being openly confrontational. (Dealing with passive-aggressive people at work? Here's how to handle it.)

5. Office politics

In hierarchical workplaces, backhanded compliments might be a way for people to handle power dynamics, whether by trying to curry favor or subtly put someone in their place.

The unique challenge for women facing backhanded compliments

For women, backhanded compliments in the workplace can carry additional layers of complexity. Backhanded compliments from male colleagues can reflect deeper issues of sexism or unconscious bias. Comments like, “Wow, you’re really good at this…for a woman,” or, “It’s impressive that you keep up in such a male-dominated field,” highlight outdated gender stereotypes. 

On the other hand, remarks like, “You’re not like other women—you’re actually easy to work with,” can sow division among female colleagues. These comments may subtly pit women against one another, perpetuating the harmful idea that success among women is a zero-sum game. This “not a girl's girl” narrative can make it difficult for women to build supportive professional networks, adding unnecessary tension in an already challenging environment.

Addressing these issues requires both men and women to recognize and challenge these biases. Organizations can foster change by promoting awareness, offering training on unconscious bias, and encouraging open conversations about workplace dynamics.

The ripple effects of backhanded compliments

At first, it might seem like no big deal. It’s just a comment, right? But over time, these remarks can have real consequences for individuals and teams.

• Damaged confidence: Constantly receiving mixed messages can make you second-guess your abilities and contributions.

• Strained relationships: If someone keeps handing out backhanded compliments, it can erode trust and make collaboration difficult.

• Toxic work culture: A workplace filled with subtle digs and veiled insults can become toxic, leading to lower morale and higher turnover. (Here’s how to deal with a toxic work environment—until you can quit.)

• Communication barriers: These backhanded comments discourage open and honest conversations, making it harder to resolve conflicts or share ideas.

How to respond to backhanded compliments like a pro

Dealing with backhanded compliments is tricky. You want to stand up for yourself without escalating the situation. Here’s how to handle them with grace and professionalism:

Pause and breathe

A calm response is always more effective than a defensive one. Before you react, take a moment to process what was said. Was it intentional, or could there be a misunderstanding? 

Ask for clarification

Sometimes, calling attention to the comment can make the speaker rethink their words. Try saying, “That’s an interesting take—what did you mean by that?” This approach puts the ball back in their court without being confrontational.

Flip it into a positive

Redirect the conversation to highlight your accomplishments or focus on the positive. For instance, if someone says, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to handle that project so well,” you could reply, “I have plenty of experience. I'm glad we could collaborate.” If you're a newbie, try: “Thanks! I’ve been working hard to sharpen my skills.”

Address recurring issues privately

If a colleague consistently dishes out backhanded compliments, consider having a private conversation. Be honest but tactful: “I’ve noticed some of your comments feel a bit dismissive. Can we talk about how we’re communicating?”

Involve HR if necessary

If the backhanded comments cross into harassment or create a hostile environment, don’t hesitate to involve HR. Your workplace should be a safe space for everyone.

Real talk: Handling backhanded compliments in everyday scenarios

You’re in a meeting, and after sharing an idea, someone says, “That’s actually a good suggestion…for a change.” What do you do?

• Scenario #1: Keep it professional. Respond with, “Let’s discuss how we can implement it.”

• Scenario #2: Call it out. “That sounded a bit backhanded—was that your intention?” Sometimes, a little directness can set boundaries.

Or maybe it’s your boss who says, “You’re pretty organized for someone with such a busy schedule.” In this case, a simple, “Thanks! Staying organized is a top priority for me,” redirects the focus back to your strengths.

Bottom line

Backhanded compliments might be common, but they don’t have to derail your confidence or career. The golden rule to dealing with those passive-aggressive comments is staying calm, seeking clarification, and addressing issues directly. A healthy workplace thrives on respect and open communication—so don’t be afraid to advocate for the environment you deserve.