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Hilarious Working Mom's 34 Things She Thinks About at Age 34 Are So Relatable

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Working Mother69
@workingmother on Instagram
July 27, 2024 at 12:43AM UTC
As so many of us on Facebook are wont to do right after our birthdays, Chicago working mom Emily Shields posted a thank-you for all the kind wishes she received on the social media platform. Along with it, though, she included a list of cares she has as a newly minted 34-year-old, and it's cracking up those lucky enough to have seen it. The random musings probably won't feel so random to you if you're also an Xennial working mom. 
Part hypothetical Google searches, part hyper-specific article headlines, in the vein of the kind of women's content that makes eyes roll over here, all of her thoughts are scary familiar.
  1. How Can I Get 7 Hours Of Sleep Tonight
  2. How Can I Get 7 Hours Of Sleep Tomorrow
  3. I Didn’t Get 7 Hours Of Sleep Last Night Do You Think People At Work Will Notice That I Am Wrapped In This Blanket Like A Burrito
  4. How Many Types Of Moisturizer Is Too Many To Own And Is It 12 As A Random Example
  5. That One Time I Forgot To Put On Face Moisturizer Before Going To Work And I Had To Use Aveeno Hand Lotion And How Can I Avoid Such Trauma Ever Again
  6. Did My Daughter Eat A Single Vegetable Today? Yes? Ok Then Yes She Can Have A Tortilla For Dinner
  7. Someone Tell Me That Those Puree Pouches Are Fine Because Otherwise I Am This Close To Losing It
  8. Which Types of Alcohol Can I Drink 2 Of And Not Be Hungover
  9. Please Do Not Call Me A Woman That Makes Me Feel Fat Somehow
  10. People At Work Think I Know What I’m Doing How Do I Break It To Them
  11. Is This What The Kids Call Anxiety
  12. Would A Convent Really Be So Bad They Seem To Be Pretty Happy In Call The Midwife
  13. I Feel Like I Need More Mixing Bowls But I Have So Many
  14. So I Guess This Is Just What I Look Like Then
  15. The Audacity Of Zits
  16. Is It Finally Time To Shave My Head And Join A Commune Or Should I Just Stop Reading The News
  17. Everyone Else Seems To Be Having A Second Child But I Only Just Decided To Hang Onto This One
  18. Do I Actually Prefer Lemon Desserts Over Chocolate Ones? An Expose
  19. How Do I Make Friends With Other Moms Without Leaving My House Or Talking To Anyone
  20. I Found The Perfect Mascara But What If This One Over Here Is More Perfect
  21. People Act Like Having It All Just Means Having A Job And A Child But Lately I Think It Also Means Listening To An Absurd Number Of Podcasts
  22. I Understand The Importance Of Breaking Bad But I Just Can’t
  23. Is Self Care Just Taking Baths Or Like…What Is Self Care
  24. Why Didn’t Drinking This Cup Of Tea Solve All My Problems
  25. I Really Thought I’d Have Figured Out A Perfume Strategy By Now
  26. Do Skinny People Like Jeans Or Are We All Just Miserable Here
  27. Should I Be Gardening
  28. Which Pajama Pants Should I Wear On Friday At 6PM
  29. The Many Ways I Am Disappointing Stacy and Clinton
  30. No Matter How Much Makeup I Own It’s Never Enough When I Walk Into Sephora
  31. I Hate When People Tell Me To “Appreciate This Time” With My Daughter But Everyone With Children Younger Than Mine Need To Appreciate This Time
  32. How Many Days In A Row Can I Take An Advil Before It’s Just Part Of My Life
  33. When Can I Finally Dye My Hair Blue-Grey And Is It Yesterday
  34. How Dare My Daughter Look Like My Husband When I Made Her From Scratch All By Myself
It's hard to pick a favorite, so it's a three-way tie for me between:
  1. How Do I Make Friends With Other Moms Without Leaving My House Or Talking To Anyone
  2. Is Self Care Just Taking Baths Or Like…What Is Self Care
and 32. How Many Days In A Row Can I Take An Advil Before It’s Just Part Of My Life
The mother of one little girl is a content strategist at Facebook and, according to her LinkedIn profile, has a copywriting background, in case that wasn't apparent from her brilliantly worded examples. Since going up on Dec. 21, it's been shared 163 times, but we suspect it's going to pick up now.
— Meredith Bodgas
This piece originally appeared on Working Mother.

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