5 Signs You're a People Pleaser at Work (and How to Stop)

Virtually everyone wants to be liked and respected. However, for some people, that desire can lead to an unhealthy pattern of behaviors—commonly known as being a “people pleaser.”

“People pleasing is a behavior characterized by the tendency to prioritize the needs of others over your own needs,” says New York-based psychologist Vanessa Gomes. 

Putting other people first might sound nice; but, in reality, it can be extremely detrimental to your happiness, well-being, and success in the workplace (and beyond!). “While the desire to please others is a natural part of human interaction, people-pleasing becomes problematic when it leads to emotional distress and impairment in one’s functioning,” says Gomes.

Let’s take a deep dive into people pleasing: how it can be harmful, signs to look out for, and how to stop people pleasing and start prioritizing yourself.

The danger of being a people pleaser in the workplace

Before we jump into signs you’re a people pleaser, let’s take a moment to understand why people-pleasing is a problem to begin with—especially in the workplace.

Some disadvantages to people-pleasing include:

• High potential for burnout. “People pleasers are at high risk for burnout because of their tendency to take on more responsibility than what they can handle and difficulties in setting boundaries,” says Gomes.

• Challenges sharing thoughts and opinions. For people pleasers, “their fear of criticism may interfere with their ability to share their unique ideas or propose alternate suggestions to problems, hindering their creativity and potential for innovation,” says Gomes. This can hold them back in the workplace, stunting professional growth and advancement.

• Lower compensation. A person with people-pleasing tendencies may “experience difficulties negotiating raises or promotions, which can negatively impact their professional growth,” says Gomes—not to mention their compensation.

• Risk of being taken advantage of. People pleasers “may be taken advantage of because of their struggles with standing up for themselves and saying ‘no,’” says Gomes. As a result, “you might end up overworking or taking on tasks that aren’t within your scope of responsibility,” says Colorado-based therapist Alexandra Carone.

5 signs you may be a people pleaser

Clearly, being a people pleaser can be a hindrance—both at work and in life. But how do you know if your behaviors at work (and otherwise!) fall under the people-pleasing umbrella? Pay attention to these signs:

1. You have a hard time saying “no”

One of the telltale signs you might be people pleaser is if you really (really, really, really!) struggle to say no. 

People pleasers “go out of their way to comply with requests and demands, even if it means sacrificing their own well-being or priorities,” says Gomes. In the workplace, this “looks like saying 'yes' to your employees, coworkers, or boss when you really may want or need to say 'no,’” says Carone.

So, for example, let’s say your boss asks you to work late to help with a project—but you’ve already scheduled a massage. If you’re a people pleaser, you may say “yes” to staying late—even if it means missing your massage (and having to pay a fee in the process).

2. You have a strong fear of disapproval and/or rejection

Another sign of people pleasing is “having an excessive fear of disapproval, being rejected, or perceived in a negative fashion,” says Gomes. 

For example, a people pleaser might go above and beyond to get not only their manager’s approval, but the approval of everyone else on the team—and feel overwhelmed with shame if they receive anything other than positive feedback on their work performance.

3. You’re conflict avoidant

Another surefire sign you’re a people pleaser is if, when conflict arises, you (metaphorically) turn around and run in the opposite direction.

People pleasers have “a tendency to avoid conflict at all costs,” says Gomes. “People pleasers struggle with being assertive and communicating their needs to others. They may even change their opinions to better fit the situation in their efforts to avoid a disagreement.”

For example, if a coworker shares an opinion you strongly disagree with, you might agree with them for the sake of avoiding an argument—even if that opinion goes against your own moral compass or values system.

4. You have difficulties with setting boundaries

Setting boundaries is an essential part of wellness; it allows you to dictate what behavior you will accept from other people—and what you won’t.

However, people pleasers tend to have a hard time setting boundaries—professional or otherwise—and, as such, “may inadvertently take on more responsibilities than what they can handle, leading to burnout and feelings of resentment,” says Gomes. “The thought of disappointing someone is often accompanied by intense feelings of distress.

For example, let’s say work-life balance is a priority for you. But instead of setting boundaries around your personal time, you continually take on whatever your boss or colleagues send your way because you find it too hard to set the boundary and say “no.” That’s people pleasing—and if it goes on for too long, chances are, you’ll find yourself feeling resentful of how work is encroaching on your personal life.

5. You feel responsible for other people’s emotions

As the name suggests, if you’re a people pleaser, you feel like it’s your job to please the people around you—or, in other words, that you’re responsible for their emotional experience.

People pleasers often have “an exaggerated sense of responsibility over the well-being of others,” says Gomes. “People pleasers may believe that it is their job to make others happy at all times.”

Imagine you work in an office, and a coworker shows up for work in a bad mood. If you’re a people pleaser, chances are, you’ll worry that the bad mood has something to do with you—and feel a responsibility to “fix it” and make the person feel better.

How to break your people pleasing habit

There’s no denying that people-pleasing can negatively impact your work (and your life!). But the good news? There are ways to break your people pleasing habit—and break it for good.

Some strategies to help address people-pleasing behaviors include:

Accept that you can’t please everyone

The first step to overcoming people-pleasing is accepting that no one can please everyone. If you find yourself wanting to people please at work, remind yourself that, no matter how hard you try, at some point, you’re going to disappoint or upset someone—and there’s nothing actually wrong with that.

“Remember that not everybody will agree with you, and that is okay,” says Gomes. “Coming to terms with this fact can be liberating.”

Build your own self-esteem

“Low-esteem is often a motivating factor for people-pleasing behaviors,” says Gomes. So, if you want to stop being a people pleaser? Focusing on building your self-esteem is a great place to start.

“Focus on building self-confidence, rather than seeking external validation,” says Gomes. “Learn to celebrate your achievements and keep track of your strengths no matter how big or small they may be…it becomes easier to be assertive and set limits once you feel good about yourself.”

Identify your own values

Because people pleasers are so concerned with the needs of others, they often lose sight of their own values and identity. So, if you want to kick your people-pleasing habit to the curb, you need to get back in touch with said values and identity.

“Start by identifying your values and what matters most to you,” says Carone. That way, “you can consider future requests from within that framework to help identify what choices align you most closely with your broader personal and professional values.”

Practice setting boundaries

As mentioned, boundary setting can be extremely difficult for people pleasers. But setting boundaries is a must if you want to overcome your people-pleasing tendencies—so what should you do? Practice.

“Practice setting small boundaries and saying 'no' in low-stakes situations,” says Carone. 

For example, let’s say you have a colleague named Julie—and Julie constantly asks you to complete minor tasks for her, even though there’s no reason she can’t do them herself. Up to this point, you’ve always said ‘sure, Julie!’ in an effort to be helpful and liked—but lately, you’ve been feeling resentful, overwhelmed, and like you don’t have enough time for your work responsibilities. 

“To practice setting a boundary, the next time Julie asks for help with something they can do on their own, you might respond with, ‘I think you've got this one, Julie. I need to focus on my own tasks right now, but I'm confident you can handle it,’” Carone advises. 

“This is a low-stakes situation where you're not refusing a major request, but are practicing saying 'no' to something small, helping you build the confidence to maintain boundaries in more significant matters.”

The more you practice setting those low-stakes boundaries? The better you’ll get—and the easier it will be to set boundaries across the board.

Seek professional help

These tips can be helpful for people that want to minimize people-pleasing behaviors. But if your people-pleasing is having a significant impact on your life, you may want to seek out professional help. A therapist can help you identify the root cause of your people-pleasing tendencies—and put together a more personalized plan to overcome them.