Stop Over-Apologizing at Work: What to Say Instead

When you make a mistake at work or do something inconsiderate, an apology is a must; it shows that you take responsibility for your actions, and that you’re committed to making things right. But often, people, especially women, apologize even when they haven’t done anything wrong—and that over-apologizing can bring a lot of negative consequences.

“Women are more likely to apologize excessively in an effort to ‘keep the peace,’ maintain positive relationships, and avoid confrontation,” says Amanda Augustine, certified professional career coach, resume writer, and career expert for interview-coaching service TopInterview. “We erroneously use the phrase ‘I’m sorry’ as a pleasantry to be courteous—but it can backfire and make us sound weak, insecure, or prone to mistakes.”

If you find yourself saying “I’m sorry” multiple times a day, it’s probably a sign that you should stop over-apologizing at work. But how, exactly, do you do that? Let’s find out.

Why do I apologize so much at work?

Before we jump into how to stop saying sorry at work, let’s touch on why women tend to over apologize to begin with—much of which dates all the way back to their younger years.

“Women in general are likely to be more apologetic than men,” says New-Jersey based licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Lienna Wilson. “This stems from early childhood socialization. Boys tend to be praised for being assertive, direct, and confident. Girls, on the other hand, tend to be praised for being empathetic and aware of how other people feel.”

They’re also discouraged from other personality traits that would help them develop the ability to stand up for themselves. “If girls display assertiveness or confidence, they might be discouraged by being called bossy or conceited,” says Wilson.

All of this conditioning can make young girls feel like they need to apologize often, and that feeling can linger in adulthood. For example, research from the University of Waterloo found that women tend to be more sensitive to what others might find offensive—and, as such, they’re more likely to say “I’m sorry” in a larger variety of situations.

What can I say instead of apologizing at work?

So, how do you stop apologizing at work? Let’s take a deep dive into everything you need to know to break this habit, including scenarios where you might be tempted to offer an unnecessary apology—and the words to use instead of “sorry” professionally.

What to say if you need help

One situation where it’s a must for women to stop saying sorry at work is when they need to ask for help.

For example, “if you’re in a new position or struggling with a new task at work, you may find yourself asking a colleague or your manager more questions than usual,” says Augustine. “However, the last thing you want to do is apologize every time you have a question or need a little direction.”

Why? Because asking for help isn’t something that warrants an “I’m sorry.”

What to say instead:

“Instead of apologizing for needing their help, thank them for their patience and guidance,” says Augustine.

For example, you might say, “I really appreciate you taking the time to walk me through this new project briefly; your insights really helped me understand what the client is looking for—and I feel much more ready to move forward after our conversation.”

What to say when you’re negotiating for salary

Another scenario where women might be tempted to unnecessarily apologize is when asking for higher compensation—but it’s also a scenario where over-apologizing can hurt you in the end.

“If you’re negotiating your salary with a prospective employer or stating your case for a raise with your boss, the last thing you want to do is to apologize for making such a request,” says Augustine. “While you may think you’re being polite, saying those two little words can seriously weaken your argument. After all, if you’re not confident that you deserve more, then why should the other person have confidence in you?”

What to say instead:

“Instead of apologizing, state the dollar amount you believe you deserve, explain how you arrived at this number—through your research and the value you bring to the company,” says Augustine.

For example, you might say: “I’ve done research on the median annual salary for project managers in our area. And given that research and my contributions to the team this year—including taking on management responsibilities for the junior PM team, implementing our new project management platform, and successfully hitting every project milestone at or before deadline—increasing my salary to $95,000 feels aligned with my current role and responsibilities.”

What to say if you’re late

If you’re running late—for example, late for a meeting, hitting a deadline, or responding to an urgent email—it’s important to acknowledge and take responsibility for it. But that doesn’t mean you have to apologize.

What to say instead

“Instead of apologizing for running behind, thank the person for their patience,” says Augustine. 

For example, “instead of walking into the room saying, ‘sorry, I was late,’ you can say ‘I know we started a few minutes late and I appreciate your patience,’” says Wilson.

This strategy is a win-win because “by simply saying ‘thanks for your patience’ or ‘thanks for waiting,’ you’re acknowledging the other person’s time without placing a lot of negative attention on yourself,” says Augustine.

Tips to help women stop apologizing at work

If you’re a person that tends to over apologize, it can be hard to eliminate the habit. But there are things you can do to minimize unnecessary apologies.

So what, exactly, are those things? Here are a few actionable tips on how to stop saying sorry at work:

1. How to apologize without saying sorry? Remove it from your vocabulary

For many people, saying “I’m sorry” is more of a habit than a genuine apology. “Some people are so used to apologizing, that they habitually begin their sentences with ‘sorry’—even if they have nothing to apologize for,” says Wilson. 

If that rings true for you, one strategy for how to stop saying sorry at work? Stop saying sorry altogether.

“One way to address this problem is to be mindful and to eliminate the word ‘sorry’ from your vocabulary,” says Wilson.

This strategy can help keep knee-jerk apologies to a minimum. And if you do find yourself in a situation where an apology is warranted? Stop saying sorry, instead say something else.

“If you want to apologize, try using any other phrase rather than ‘sorry,’ such as ‘my apologies,’ ‘pardon me,’ or ‘excuse me,’” says Wilson.

2. Pause

Again, for many people, sorry is a habit; they say it before they take a second to think about whether it’s appropriate for the situation. So, if you want to master how to stop apologizing so much, give yourself that second.

“Before you automatically say, ‘I’m sorry,’ stop yourself and take a breath,” says Augustine. “Consider if an apology is really warranted in this situation or if you were about to give a knee-jerk response out of habit. By forcing yourself to pause before giving a response, you’re less likely to over-apologize out of habit.”

3. Get an outside perspective

Sometimes, your “I’m sorry” habit is so ingrained, you don’t even realize you’re doing it. And in that situation, getting an outside perspective can be helpful.

“You can also confide in a trusted colleague that you’re working on your communication in the office and ask them to help you identify specific situations where you tend to over-apologize or say ‘I’m sorry’ when there’s nothing to be sorry about,” says Augustine. 

“Once you have a better understanding of the scenarios that prompt you to say ‘I’m sorry,’ you can practice giving alternative responses,” she adds.