14 Signs of Toxic Friends (And What to Do About It)

Friendships are an important part of life. These are relationships that nurture you and help you find support outside your family and work relationships. While a career community is important for your career advancement, a strong network of friends can offer immeasurable support and joy.

Therefore, no matter how busy I might be with work and other obligations, I work just as hard at maintaining my relationships with my friends because they each bring something special to my life. A good friend is hard to find, but a true friend is even more difficult to lose. And then there are the friends that make you wonder how you ever became close in the first place.

What does it mean to have a toxic relationship?

The reality is that many friendships are not filled with the same depth and emotion you might have with your bestie. Some are just surface level, and that's fine (depending how much of your time you wish to offer them). However, what happens when someone drains you more than she energizes you?

It can be hard to see what's best for you when you're invested in a relationship of any kind, even just a platonic friendship. Too many of us put up with too much because the pain that certain relationships bring us scares us less than the pain of letting go of people we love. 

We also tend to deny toxic relationships because most of us are exposed to so many of them that habits of toxic relationships actually feel normal. But the fact is that they are most certainly not normal; they're detrimental to our health and development as individuals.

Obvious signs you're in a toxic friendship

If you find yourself feeling disgruntled and unhappy with a friend's behavior more often than not, you may be in a toxic friendship. Not sure if your other half is guilty? Here are some obvious signs of toxic friends:

1. They cross your boundaries with no apologies

Does your friend have a habit of crossing your boundaries and not offering an apology after? This is a sign that they might be toxic. In some cases, they might apologize, but then repeat the same behavior shortly after.

Friends like this may reveal secrets or information about you that you asked them not to disclose. Other common examples of boundary violations in friendships include not respecting your space and privacy or overriding your choices.

2. They make passive-aggressive comments

One of the most common signs of a toxic friend is constantly making passive-aggressive comments instead of communicating what's wrong. You can tell by the way they interact with you that something is off; they sound angry or upset, but they never express their feelings. Instead, they reassure you that everything is OK, but keep the passive-aggressive treatment.

3. They're jealous of you/your other friendships

This can happen both in personal and work friendships. When your toxic friend sees that you're developing strong relationships with other people, they might get jealous—and this jealousy can stem from various reasons. Perhaps they feel threatened by your other relationships, or your social skills may make them feel inferior in work or social situations.

4. They insult you or are mean to you

This is one of the most obvious signs of toxic friends: they're flat out disrespectful towards you. Maybe they comment on your appearance to put you down, maybe they always have something negative to say about your accomplishments or your work. It's almost as if their life goal is to make you feel bad about yourself.

5. They act jealous of you

Does your friend act like everything is a competition between the two of you? This is a classic sign of jealousy. They try to one-up every achievement of yours; if you receive a compliment, they have to receive the same or double the amount of praise, and so on.

6. You can't seem to do anything right by them

Are you always wrong in the eyes of your friend? If you offer help, you're seen as too invasive or patronizing; if you don't, they say you're unreliable. If you invite them for coffee after work, you're accused of being a bad friend for not guessing that they're short on money; if you don't, then you're accused of excluding them. Basically, you can never win.

Subtle signs you may be in a toxic friendship

Okay, so those signs seem really obvious, and you'd never be friends with someone that treated you badly, right? The thing is that sometimes new acquaintances slide into friendships before you realize who those people truly are, and nice people worry (ironically) about hurting the other person's feelings. 

The above should be very easy to remove from your life. But there are more signs your friend is toxic that are sometimes harder to notice, especially if the guilty party is someone you love.

7. They aren't there to celebrate your success

When you think back on your last few achievements, you remember they weren't there—or, didn't have much interest or understanding about how much your goals mean to you. In fact, they might even be resentful of your success or doubt how you've earned your achievements.

8. They only care about themselves

Whenever they have a problem, they expect your support...but when you need them, they are nowhere to be found or make excuses as to why they can't be there for you. This is one of those subtle signs of a toxic friend that are hard to notice because it's easy to find excuses for this behavior. You might think they're just very busy or that maybe they're not good at giving advice, and it takes time to realize that it's a pattern.

9. They're not interested in details of your life

When the conversation shifts to you, and you start detailing something—anything—that is important to you, whether it be about your job or your relationship, they are distracted and soon shift the conversation to something else.

10. They don't share details of their life with you

Probably just as telling, and just as hurtful, is when a former confidante decides to exclude you from their narrative. A good friend is eager to share details about their lives, hear feedback and get advice—because they depend on you as a friend, too.

11. Your mother doesn't like them

Mother always knows best, and they have your best interest at heart. In fact, this doesn't only have to be your mother. If any other person close to you doesn't like this friendship and can offer you reasons as to why (that don't stem from jealousy), then chances are that you've just been blind to those reasons.

12. They criticize you but not constructively

A good friend will certainly critique you because they want to better you and help build you up. But a bad friend will criticize you just to make themselves feel better. The difference is whether or not they offer help or advice, or if they just shame you.

13. They don't prioritize you

Everyone is busy these days and we all have a million things to squeeze into 24 hours in a day. But we make time for the people about whom we care. We make time for our friends and family and prioritize them when we can. If this person never prioritizes you, it's because they don't care about you as much as they care about the rest of the things going on in their lives.

14. They keep score

In a toxic relationship, people hold grudges. Your “friend” will keep score of the number of times you've disappointed them and throw them all in your face when they do something to upset you. Rather than accepting responsibility and apologizing, they'll say, “Yeah, well how about the time you did this?” or “You've done that to me before.” 

In healthy relationships, you can be honest with each other about what offends or negatively affects you and address it before it turns into the game of tit for tat. You can't use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness. It doesn't work that way.

What are the effects of a toxic friendship?

Being friends with a person who constantly engages in toxic behavior can have a negative effect on you. Research done by The University of California, Los Angeles, suggests a connection between experiencing toxic social-environmental stress and the development of inflammation and depressive disorders.

Here are some common effects of dealing with a toxic friend:

• You can become more stressed because nothing you do is right in their eyes, and your interactions with them are always negative.

• You may feel alone or isolated since they're never there for you or never have time to offer support when you need it.

• It can lower your self-esteem because you're always being criticized, judged, or flat out insulted.

• You may feel guilty for how they act, as their behavior towards you can make you think that you're doing something wrong or not being a good friend.

What to do about a toxic friendship?

The worst part of realizing that you have a toxic friend is that she may be someone to whom you were once much closer but from whom you have drifted. Breakups with friends—especially best friends—are just as painful, if not more so than romantic relationships at times. 

We have more expectations that a friendship will last forever, and it can hurt to know that it's no longer serving you in a healthy way. Here's advice on how to cut off toxic friends without being rude:

Openly discuss their behavior

Making excuses for this type of friend over a period of time can lead you to grow resentful, and it might only damage the friendship further. The best thing to do when confronted with this situation is to sit down with your friend and openly discuss all issues you both have. If both of you wish to continue the friendship, there will be effort and progress. 

The response to this gesture will tell you if it's time to move on and do what's best for you. Life—and friendship—are both precious gifts, and no one deserves to waste it on relationships that don't energize and feed their soul.

Cut them off if necessary

Point blank: You don't need toxic people or the negativity in your life. And a good friend wouldn't be in a toxic relationship or any kind of unhealthy friendship with you. You don't need to feel bad about breaking off an unhealthy friendship, because self-absorbed people like that so-called friend won't care either. You do need to find yourself people who care and want to spend time with you, support you and lift you up.

Analyze your own behavior

But here's the catch—if a relationship is heading south, it might also be because you are the toxic friend in the relationship. If you don't recognize any of these signs in your friend, but your relationship has been dwindling, perhaps it's best that you take a hard look in the mirror and determine if it's you doing the damage. Are you a supportive friend, or a jealous one? Are you a talker and a listener?