“Financial Stress Is Killing My Marriage”: 8 Tips for Handling Money Issues Together

“Financial stress is killing my marriage!” You’re not the first person to say this (let alone think it), and you won’t be the last. Whether it's unexpected expenses, debt, or disagreements over spending habits, money issues can create tension and distance between partners. In fact, financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce in the U.S. But it doesn’t have to be this way. With open communication and a proactive approach, couples can navigate financial stress and keep their relationship strong.

In this article, we’ll explore common money-related issues that often arise in marriages so you can identify yours. Plus, we’ll offer actionable tips on dealing with financial stress in a marriage.

Money-related issues that can shake even the strongest marriages

Couples may come from different financial backgrounds, have varying spending habits, or face unexpected financial challenges that put a strain on their relationship. 

Around 41% of divorced Gen Xers and 29% of divorced Boomers say their marriages ended due to financial disagreements, according to the Love and Money Survey by TD Bank. This survey polled 1,753 U.S. individuals who are married, in a committed relationship, or divorced to learn more about how they approach money. The takeaway: Never underestimate the effects of financial stress on marriage.

“In my practice, I see couples fighting over everything and anything related to finances,” says Jack Irmas, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and couples therapy.  “From how much to spend on daily necessities or whether to make large investments, to disagreements over budgeting, saving for the future, or how much financial support to give to extended family.”

“These seemingly practical conflicts so often mask deeper emotional conflicts rooted in each partner’s upbringing, values, desires, and experiences with money,” Irmas says.

Some common issues that often become problematic include:

Different financial priorities (saver vs spender)

Opposing approaches to money management and spending habits can lead to disagreements, especially when it comes to budgeting and financial goals. 

A saver is someone who prioritizes putting money aside for future needs, such as retirement, emergencies, or big purchases like a home. They tend to be more cautious with their spending and often have a long-term perspective when it comes to financial planning. On the other hand, a spender is more focused on enjoying the present.

“Picture this: One partner treats every dollar like it’s sacred, carefully tucking it away for a rainy day—meanwhile, the other partner is on a first-name basis with their Amazon delivery driver,” says Terri Ho Cammack, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) and Certified Fund Specialist (CFS) at Manske Wealth Management. “Over time, these conflicting habits can create serious tension.” 

“If you’re constantly butting heads over spending, it’s only a matter of time before the ‘We need to talk’ conversation comes up,” Ho Cammack says.

The burden of debt

How does debt affect marriage? It can be a significant source of stress, especially if one partner brings a large amount of debt into the relationship. Whether it's student loans, credit card debt, or medical bills, financial obligations can lead to arguments about how to manage it.

It can also lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or anxiety, particularly if one partner feels responsible for the financial burden. This emotional toll can be amplified when the debt becomes a source of conflict in the relationship.

For the partner who doesn’t carry the debt, there may be feelings of frustration or resentment. They might worry about how the debt will impact their financial future, or feel that they’re being unfairly burdened by someone else’s financial choices. Over time, these emotions can erode trust and intimacy in the relationship. So, is debt a reason to break up? For couples who don’t find a constructive way to work through their differences and difficulties, it can be.

Power imbalance and resentment due to income disparity

When one partner earns significantly more than the other, it can create an unbalanced dynamic. This may lead to feelings of inadequacy, dependency, or control issues. 

The partner who earns less may perceive their financial contribution to the household as less valuable. Over time, these feelings of inadequacy can lead to a sense of dependency, where the lower-earning partner feels financially reliant on their spouse. This dependency can breed resentment, as they may feel trapped in the relationship due to their financial situation.

In some cases, the higher earner might feel burdened by the responsibility of providing for the household, leading to frustration if they perceive their partner as not contributing equally. 

Financial infidelity

What is financial infidelity in a marriage? Keeping secrets about money and lack of financial transparency, such as hiding purchases or maintaining a separate bank account—and it can be just as damaging as other forms of infidelity.

“The issue of secret bank accounts sounds like something out of a soap opera, but it happens more often than you’d think,” Ho Cammack says. “Whether it’s a ‘just in case’ fund or a hidden stash of debt, financial secrets can wreak havoc on a marriage.”

There are many reasons why someone might engage in financial infidelity. They may feel embarrassed about their spending habits or debt, or they might be trying to maintain a sense of independence. In some cases, financial infidelity stems from deeper issues in the relationship, such as a lack of communication or unresolved conflicts.

Unexpected financial crises

Life is full of surprises, and sometimes those surprises come with a hefty price tag. Whether it’s a medical emergency, job loss, or a major home repair, unexpected financial crises can put a strain on a marriage. 

These situations are particularly challenging because they often arise when least expected, leaving little time to prepare. The shock of a sudden, significant expense can be overwhelming, especially if you don’t have an emergency fund or other financial safety nets in place. This can lead to immediate stress and panic as you scramble to figure out how to cover the costs.

Disagreements may arise over how to handle the crisis, including deciding which expenses to prioritize, how to adjust the budget, or if taking on more debt is the right move.

If you and your partner are dealing with one or more of these money problems, there are ways to deal with it. Marriage and financial stress may be common, but you can overcome it together. 

8 tips on how to deal with financial stress in a marriage

Preventing financial stress from harming your marriage requires a proactive approach. Don’t expect the issues to resolve themselves over time—address your concerns or any existing problems head-on.

Here are some tips on how to deal with money issues in a relationship, to help you and your partner navigate this together:

1. Open communication is key—and the sooner, the better!

The foundation of any strong marriage is communication. When it comes to finances, being open and honest with your partner is essential. Regularly discuss your financial situation, goals, and any concerns you may have. This transparency will help build trust and prevent misunderstandings.

Timing is important too: The study “The Sooner, the Better? Couples' First Financial Discussion, Relationship Quality, and Financial Conflict in Emerging Adulthood,” published in the Journal of Financial Therapy, found that initiating financial discussions earlier in a relationship benefitted the quality of financial communication between partners.

“Talk about money before you need to talk about money,” Ho says. “Don’t wait until your credit card bill starts to look like the national debt before you have the money talk.”

2. Set financial goals together

Working toward shared financial goals can strengthen your bond as a couple. Whether it’s saving for a house, paying off debt, or planning for retirement, having a common goal gives you both something to work toward. It also encourages collaboration and reduces the likelihood of disagreements over spending.

3. Create a budget that works for both of you

A well-thought-out budget can help you manage your finances and reduce stress. When creating a budget, involve both partners in the process. Make sure the budget reflects both of your priorities and allows for some flexibility. This way, you’re both on the same page when it comes to spending and saving.

4. Define financial responsibilities

To prevent resentment from building, it’s essential to divide financial responsibilities fairly. Determine who will be responsible for paying bills, managing savings, and handling other financial tasks. This division of labor should be based on each partner’s strengths and availability, rather than traditional gender roles.

“The key is to create an arrangement that feels collaborative and respectful to both partners, even if the financial contributions are unequal,” Irmas says. “If one partner is the primary earner and ends up paying most or all of the bills, the sense of collaboration might come from the mutual agreement on this setup, with both partners feeling satisfied with what they contribute—whether it's financial, emotional, or practical support.”

5. Address debt as a team

Financial stress and marriage are not always a great combination. If debt is a source of stress in your relationship, tackle it together. Develop a plan to pay off debt and support each other throughout the process. Whether it’s cutting back on expenses or finding ways to increase your income, working together to reduce debt can alleviate financial pressure.

6. Seek professional help if needed

How to get through financial hardship? It may be helpful to seek professional assistance. A financial advisor can help you create a plan to manage your finances, while a marriage counselor can help you work through any underlying communication issues.

Financial disagreements can be tied to underlying psychological factors, as Irmas points out.

“For example, I worked with a couple who had vastly different experiences with money growing up: one partner grew up in a financially insecure household, where help was often accompanied by feelings of shame,” he says. “For the other partner, who had a more stable financial upbringing, financial support was an expression of love. When their offer to help was met with resistance, they felt rejected and hurt. Through our work together in therapy, they were able to uncover these underlying feelings and understand each other’s perspectives.”

7. Be transparent about financial decisions

How to save your marriage after financial infidelity? It’s possible! Make it a habit to be transparent about financial decisions going forward. Discuss major purchases, financial goals, and any changes in your financial situation with your partner. This openness fosters trust and ensures that both partners are on the same page.

8. Practice empathy and understanding

It's essential to approach financial discussions with empathy and understanding. Recognize that your partner may have different experiences and attitudes toward money, and be patient as you work through any disagreements. Practicing empathy can help you resolve conflicts more effectively and strengthen your connection.

Remember, it's not about having the perfect financial situation—it's about how you handle the ups and downs as a team.

Want to dive deeper into managing financial stress in a marriage? Keep reading for more insights to strengthen your relationship and tackle money matters together!

FAQs

Can you divorce because of financial problems?

Yes, financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce. Money-related stress can create tension, resentment, and communication breakdowns, which can ultimately lead to the dissolution of a marriage. However, with the right approach, many couples can work through financial difficulties and avoid divorce.

How should bills be split in a marriage?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but a few methods tend to work well for many couples. “Splitting bills in proportion to your incomes can ensure that both partners feel like they’re contributing fairly,” Ho Cammack says. “Or, if you’re both comfortable with it, you might opt for a straight 50/50 split—just make sure no one ends up wishing they’d ordered the salad instead of the steak.” 

“For those who prefer the all-in-one approach, pooling your resources and paying bills from a joint account can be a great way to combine forces—financial Avengers style,” she says.

The key is to find an arrangement that works for both partners and ensures that financial responsibilities feel like they’re shared fairly.

What should I do if my partner hides financial information from me?

If you discover that your partner has been hiding financial information, it’s important to address the issue calmly and constructively. Have an open and honest conversation about why the secrecy occurred and work together to rebuild trust. In some cases, seeking the help of a financial advisor or counselor may be beneficial.

How can I prevent financial stress in my marriage?

Preventing financial stress requires proactive communication, goal-setting, and budgeting. Regularly discuss your financial situation with your partner, set shared financial goals, and create a budget that works for both of you. By staying transparent and working together, you can prevent financial stress in marriage from harming you.

“Rather than seeing financial stress as something to eliminate, try to view it as a natural part of life that can be managed together,” Irmas says. “When couples approach financial stress with a mindset of collaboration, it can strengthen their relationship and build resilience.” 

Is it normal to argue about money in a marriage?

Yes, it’s common for couples to argue about money. However, how you handle these disagreements can make a difference in the health of your relationship. Open communication, empathy, and compromise can help you navigate money-related conflicts without letting them damage your marriage.