How to Deal With a Boss Who Undermines You

Ever feel like you're being undermined at work by your boss? It might not be just in your head. A recent survey revealed that 70.7% of women across 103 countries face this experience when successful or ambitious. 

Unfortunately, this scenario is not new, as women in the workforce have been treated differently since we conquered the right to work outside the house. The difference is that we now have more support to speak out against these situations and safe spaces to develop strategies to overcome them. 

And that's exactly what we are about to do. Below, you'll find signs your boss is undermining you, and advice on how to deal with it.

How to tell if your boss is undermining you? 5 signs

Every interaction with your boss is making you feel less and less confident. There's always a small action or comment that puts you down in some sort of way. You've started to notice it but may be afraid of reading too much into things. Does this sound familiar? If so, it's possible that your boss is undermining you. 

Here are some examples of undermining behavior that might not be obvious at first:

1. They left you out of discussions

“Your boss speaks to your manager directly about things that should be treated with you directly, and skip you from the process”, says Juliana Rabbi, career consultant, LinkedIn and CV expert at Fink Development | Coaching and Advising.

The reasons behind this behavior can vary. Maybe they're trying to hold back information, or prevent your relationship with your superior from growing stronger. Either way, it's something to think about. 

2. You are excluded from meetings 

If your boss constantly “‘forgets’ to invite you for calls, important meetings, or social events,” this is another sign of their undermining behavior, says Rabbi. To tell the difference between an honest mistake and a conscious decision to exclude you, it's important to pay attention to how often this is happening.

Does it happen all the time, like during every weekly meeting, or did it happen just once? Are you always being left out of workplace events? Is this happening only to you, or is your boss just really bad with invitations and other people were also affected? If this behavior happens too frequently and only with you, it's probably not a coincidence. 

3. They underestimate you constantly

One of the most common examples of being undermined at work is frequently being underestimated. “Your boss underestimates your efforts in general, and never gives you credit for the good things you have done. The perspective about you is always negative,” says Rabbi. This behavior usually aims to sabotage your self-esteem, especially when negative comments are made in front of others. 

4. They make a show of your mistakes 

Speaking of a crowd, another way a boss can diminish your self-esteem is by publicizing your mistakes. “The person exposes you and your mistakes in public, in situations and ways that were unnecessary, instead of giving you the feedback in a private context,” says Rabbi. They want more than making you feel bad about yourself: the goal is to put you down in front of others and maybe influence their perception about you and your work. 

5. They don't trust you and your choices

If you're an experienced professional or a senior in your role, it's likely that a good boss will trust your decision making. However, a leader that doesn't want to see you shine will act the exact opposite way. “Bosses who undermine you tend to micromanage every single task you do and not trust your choices,” says Fink.

Other signs your boss is undermining you

The signs mentioned above may go unnoticed for a while, but there are some other explicit undermining behaviors of toxic bosses to look out for: 

• Giving you incorrect information to make you look unprofessional or untrustworthy;

• Spreading rumors or gossiping about you;

• Taking credit for your ideas or your work;

• Trying to weaken your authority by influencing your team members against you.

What to do when your boss undermines you

Dealing with a boss who undermines you requires strategy and emotional intelligence. You can't simply explode, as they're likely to deny anything you say. And since they're already working on a campaign against you, people who don't know all the details may believe them. 

For women, especially the ones working in male-dominated industries, this is an even trickier situation. But there's a way out. Here's advice on how to handle a boss who undermines you: 

Try to have a conversation with them

Bring up the behaviors you've noticed in the past months and raise your concerns about their potential impact on you and the company. “As it probably won’t be an easy conversation, prepare for it. Write down the topics you want to cover, share examples of how the person could support you better and try to keep things professional,” says Rabbi.

Document your relevant accomplishments

Gather evidence to defend yourself if they try to justify their actions by accusing you of not being a good employee. “Have a list of your most relevant achievements ready, to share whenever necessary—in case your boss says you are not doing enough or in case he doubts your commitment,” suggests Rabbi.

Talk to someone else about what's happening

Sometimes addressing a boss who undermines you by yourself won't be enough, so it's recommended to notify someone else about what's going on. “Bring a third person to help the situation to be more under control, maybe someone from HR or another manager you both know. An external party can help to mediate the conflict, find a solution, and decrease the chances of misinterpretations from your boss,” she says. 

Set boundaries

Unless you or your boss change departments, you're going to keep working together. So, try to set new limits in your relationship. During your 1:1 meeting, bring up what you would like to change from now on and your reasons why. Make suggestions on how you two could collaborate better together and document the decisions made in case you need them in the future.

“Keep doing your work and support your boss in the ongoing projects and tasks, but try to set clear boundaries about working hours, expected results, how to measure them and regular feedback,” says Rabbi.

The impacts of having a boss who undermines you

Being undermined at work by your boss can affect much more than your career. Your mental and physical health are also on the line. “In the long term, undermining boss behavior can lead to burnout, job dissatisfaction, sleeping problems and health issues,” says Rabbi.

The earlier mentioned survey showed alarming statistics: 85.6% of women reported increased stress, 73.8% developed mental health issues, 62.2% experienced decreased self-confidence, and 61% suffered from burnout. Here's what could be behind these numbers:

• Increased levels of stress and anxiety: If you're constantly having to prove yourself, Rabbi says, “you need to be hyper vigilant to try to anticipate your boss's needs to avoid more problems.”

• Low self-esteem: When your boss frequently criticizes you, it's likely that you will eventually start believing their negative feedback. “Women tend to start being more quiet in meetings and interactions in general, because they assume their opinion won’t be valued anyways. With time, you start doubting yourself and your skills.”

• Burnout: Some women may feel pressured to push themselves more to gain respect, and this can lead to overworking. “Managers can take advantage of that and keep increasing their work volume without any kind of financial compensation or recognition,” says Rabbi.

In this scenario, it's important to think about whether learning how to deal with a boss who undermines you will really help, or if it's time to consider moving on to a different role or department.