I left what I considered to be an extremely toxic job about 2.5 months ago.

4 Comments

1. AnonymousJune 2,2021 at 2:44PM UTC

   Nicole, I'm so sorry you experienced this! Know that you are valued and do not deserve this at all.

   Is this happening at your current job? I hope your therapist can help you with the emotional aspect of this, In terms of the professional and career side, I would document all of this behavior—which will help if there is any gaslighting—and have an upfront conversation with the person, using the facts you've documented as your support.

   How else are you working to combat the imposter syndrome you're feeling?

2. NicoleJune 2,2021 at 6:00PM UTC

   Hi anonymous,
   No, I left that job and I'm now with a company I used to work for. I was asked to come back to fix a failing program at a different location, which definitely has been a great boost to my self esteem that they have that much confidence in my abilities. Unfortunately, it's been a significant drop in pay for me.

   I went to HR but because I worked for the CFO, there wasn't much that could be done other than for me to file a formal complaint. That would go to the CEO, who she was pretty tight with. I then deployed (I'm also in the military part time) and started receiving harassing e-mails from HR where they asked me to tell them if I was job hunting! It was just crazy. I contemplated coming back, but HR told me if I did we would need to discuss "issues" which they would not elaborate on. I figured I had little to no recourse and decided for my own mental health it was better just to resign.

   Again, a lot happened...it's a long story. The therapist has been a lot of help; now I just need to work on forgiving myself for the entire situation as well. I've worked at a number of companies and I've never experienced a toxic culture like this one.

3. AnonymousJanuary 7,2022 at 4:41AM UTC

   First of all: don't pathologize your discomfort by calling it "imposter syndrome." You worked in a hostile environment. That's TRAUMATIC. Your discomfort is a TRAUMA RESPONSE. People like your awful ex boss call it "imposter syndrome" to shift the blame. But the thing is, your boss is to blame. They didn't set you up for success. They created a hostile work environment. Processing that takes a ton of time; not a matter of weeks. Workplace trauma is real.

   But know you are NOT an imposter. With risk of being repetitive: I absolutely hate the term imposter syndrome because it doesn't take into account that people create hostile work environments to make us feel uncomfortable/unwelcome then pathologize our legitimate discomfort by telling us we have a "syndrome." That label is incredibly problematic because it's just more stigma and another hurdle to clear as you try and move past it.

4. AnonymousNovember 20,2022 at 3:04PM UTC

   The same thing happened to me. My boss would cancel our 1-1s or never join the call and send a chat 30mins later that he got caught up. This would happen frequently and I would get the cold shoulder. Worked there a year and never knew where I stood performance wise bc he would review my work and be hypercritical about everything but tell me I'm very smart and dedicated. I felt gaslighted all the time bc he would tell me to do something one way and then get angry that I was supposed to do it completely different trying to make it seem like I don't follow directions or have a problem understanding English. Every little mistake was an opportunity to berate me and my work for the sole purpose of lowering my self-esteem. Never for improving or how to do things better. I wish I had listened to my gut instincts 3 months into the job and left instead of staying for a year.

   I never understood the need for people to step on someone else to feel powerful or success in their position or in life. Must be a very sad existence. Luckily for me I had enough savings and family support to quit without giving a 2 weeks notice at a critical time that would no doubt hurt him.

   My justification was if you think my work quality is so bad than you won't care if I leave. You can do it yourself or hire someone just as toxic as you are. I had plenty of references I could use who thought I was a great employee/coworker.

   I think the only way to overcome abuse in the workplace is to find a better job/workplace and know what a good healthy work relationship should feel like. I was lucky early in my career I got to work with amazing bosses so I knew something was off in my current situation pretty early on.

   I know workplaces say they encourage you to speak up but there is still this stigma/fear attached that if you speak up, you will get more hostility but if the end result is you losing your job (either thru enough emotional abuse that you quit or you get fired because one person in the whole world believes you are inadequate) then might as well go down voicing your concerns.

   Eventually I knew he would put me on a PIP to justify his own behavior so I beat him to the punch.