One of my friends is having trouble with a co-worker & isn't sure how to navigate it.
My friend can be very direct, to the point of bluntness. She knows this about herself and does work to offset this, but some people, especially 1 co worker in particular, have called her out on it. This person does not get on well with some other coworkers who work well with my friend. This person is also in a role where my friend has to interact with her on a semi-regular basis & contacting someone else is not an option.
If you are also a very direct person, how have you navigated situations where your directness/bluntness has caused friction?
If you were on the other side, how were you able to navigate the situation?
Do you have any tips my friend might be able to employ to try to defuse the situation?
*Edit*
Thank you to everyone who's commented & offered advice. My friend reached out to other coworkers and discovered that the views of this 1 co-worker is not the general view of her that others have. In light of this, she is going to keep an eye on how others perceive her and navigate any issues as they come up while trying to interact with this specific coworker as little as possible until they leave in ~1 month.
I do tend to be direct as well. One important thing is you need to be direct with kindness. Tell your friend they need to think of the person and that they may be having their own battles and obstacles. Also you can be direct but also empathize with someone’s goals or motives. Work is about personal relationships as well as getting a job done. I hope this helps.
A few of thoughts:
o I am not sure the situation needs to be "resolved" but perhaps your friend can fall back to emails rather than live conversations. Grammarly.com can help in this regard. There is a writing tool that checks for "tone."
o This is about your friend and; not about the person who gave her the feedback or who that person gets along with.
o Feedback is a gift - especially from people who we don't automatically gel with.
o Self awareness is a important career (and life trait)
Thank you for posting. I myself am MBTI INTJ female and work in a male dominated field. I have received feedback from my manager that I am blunt. And was recommended that when I assert my views to preface with “I propose [we take this action]” or “My recommendation would be…”
Also, I’ve learned to find advocates and bring them to meetings to help get my view out in the open. Then I follow up with written response so it is documented.
I’ll be reading any posts here as well for recommendations.
hope this helps!
If not done so already, have you done some unpacking with your friend to help you both understand what triggers causes her to be direct/curt? if not previously discussed, have a 1 on 1 session, make a list and jot down the factors. Have her talk through why are these triggers. There may be some healing that is needed here from your direct friend. Some factors could stem from childhood, previous negative events. We are all a product of our experiences. She should do this unpacking with you or another trusted source to work towards healing if needed.
You should approach you direct friend by helping them understand some of the worst outcomes that would result if this is not resolved and continues to escalate:
1)You should give your direct friend honest feedback that retaining their job should bear more importance than their ego. They might not like this feedback but it is the truth. Many people lose their jobs, promotions and reputations over things like this. The sooner this is realized, the sooner your direct friend will take this seriously enough to do some introspection and work on building more self-awareness on how they come across to others. Unfortunately, in the workplace, intent does not matter. But how emotions play out in the workplace are significant. Even 1 negative interaction incident can cost someone everything.
2) I highly recommend that your direct friend approach the colleague with a humble, apologetic tone (irrespective of who is right or wrong, because the goal here is maintaining peace). Acknowledge that "I know I am not the best communicator and am working hard daily to improve on this". Which is the truth based on your earlier comment. Making the colleague aware of this might help remove some of the underlying barriers.
3) "Would you like to meet for lunch, I would like to get with you to discuss and learn how I can improve on my communications and interactions with you so we can continue to work well together. I think you are amazing at what you do". (Your friend should point out positive attributes and state this even if they don't mean it because we are trying to break some underlying barriers here).The direct friend should invite the colleague to discuss over lunch. It might take a few/several lunch sessions to see each person's point of view and reach a level of genuine mutual respect.
4) Although you cannot control this, both need to reach a willingness to do the work to get to a neutral state before it spirals out of control.
5) If they do meet for lunch, they should use that time to learn more about each other's personality style to better understand that under most circumstances both sides are not intentionally negative in their behaviors. Both are imperfect and at the end of the day just want to do a good job for their company.
6) If the colleague declines the invitation to talk it through over lunch, the direct friend should still approach the situation in a humble and respectful way. Say that " I understand, and I just want to let you know, I am STILL committed to improving our work relationship. In the future, if I say something that bothers you, please pull me aside and let me know. I am sorry if my previous interactions has caused you discomfort in any way"
7) Build positive memories: Have your direct friend walk by 2-3x per week to greet the colleague with a smile first thing in the morning (before any work is initiated). So they get off to a good start each day. This positive reinforcement might help the colleague let go of that defensive wall.
8) As a result, eventually, down the road, the colleague might change their mind once they see the direct friend is really genuine and things will work out.
9) Unfortunately, your direct friend, needs to take this seriously before it escalates to leadership. Now if your friend is currently favored by leadership, they might be able to get away with it now, but they should consider what is the worst case scenario here. For example, if the colleague impacted files a complaint and has documented everything, there could come a point, where that leadership protection is no longer there.
10) I know it might be tough to lay on all this information. But if she is a true friend, she should be willing to be receptive to your honest feedback. Friends are supposed to look out for eachother, see their blindspots and help each other grow.
11) Regardless of what stage your direct friend is at on self-improvement, recommend read self help books and watch youtube videos on how to navigate people. Alot of leadership type books focus on this and should help a great deal.
Hope this helps and good luck!
As a more direct communicator, I read the first few lines and then skipped to the end. :-p
I'm the kind of person that TLDR was invented for.
So sorry to disappoint. My previous response was meant for the inquirer who really wants to help her friend improve so that it does not escalate to a possible job loss and for those who reached a point of realization where their directness is adversely impacting their relationships at work. If that is not your situation or if you have not reached that realization yet, that is cool too. Unfortunately, there is no clean-cut way that addresses the root of the behavior since there can be many variables involved.....Love n light :)
One of the most thoughtful responses I’ve ever seen on this board. Excellent advice!
Thanks H.C.!
I am direct.
I am also kind. I find that if a person shows both of these, the directness is almost a superpower. You can get to the point without creating defensiveness because people trust your intention.
I also find that people who are direct but don’t show kindness regularly are perceived as jerks. These people tend to wear their directness as a badge of honor and refuse to apologize for being honest. That is lazy, imo. Honesty doesn’t have to be rude.
My directness still gets me in trouble from time to time, usually in two settings…if I have not yet established trust/rapport (either personally or conveyed by another colleague) and therefore the person I’m speaking with doesn’t know/have reason to believe there is no hidden agenda in my comment. Or if I’m direct in front of people who have trust issues amongst themselves and now one feels called out in front of the other, whom they expect is going to be an ass about that. I try to be mindful of both, and add softeners to my statements in those situations, but it’s not always possible to detect in advance.
I also have a tendency toward sarcastic humor, usually self deprecating. I find that and directness can be two peas in a pod. But sometimes it can hit hurtful. Again, my default is kindness and so I usually spot the error and apologize. I never want to be perceived as rude or disrespectful unless it is my intention … and in those rare cases there is no mistake and I am prepared for the consequences.
So I guess my suggestion is for the friend to realize that there can be a cost to “just being myself” if being oneself is inconsiderate of others, and to cultivate the superpower of being direct, yet kind. That has way more to do with surrounding day to day actions than the words or tone used when being direct.
I will also add re:resolving with the individual. Very hard to do remotely. If in person, it’s worth a shot, but since you are saying this other person doesn’t work well with several people, I don’t think your friend has to necessarily try to solve this singular relationship (unless it is a career blocker).
Since she recognizes her bluntness can be a problem for some, she should just focus on herself and finding the professional balance that doesn’t feel fake but does take others into consideration more - that will serve her well over a broad range of work relationships, hopefully including this one.
I am a direct person.
I appreciate when others are direct with me, so I would encourage your friend to be direct and tell the coworker that it makes it difficult to work with her sometimes. Encourage her to ask for common rules when communicating and how she likes to be approached so that everyone's style is considered and they can focus on the work. Or even enjoy working together.
And here's the thing, fellow direct people. You must be able to take the directness back at you and not personalize it. Maturity in dealing with others is welcoming the same style from someone else, allowing for differences in style, and not internalizing any of it or coming back with aggression and dominance. When I was first in the workforce, I had to learn to balance my directness, lose the "me vs. them" mentality, and develop strategies for the way that others need to be approached.
But...that's a two-way street. Twenty-five years into my career, and as the mother of a special needs child, I can tell you that the world is not here to accommodate each of us individually and keep us in a bubble where we can only accept communicating one way. EVERYONE needs to learn diplomacy and adaptability. Being in a work environment with others who haven't been raised the same and are not wired the same is an implicit challenge you accept when you take the job and share space and common objectives.
Yes, you are who you are. Celebrate that! That doesn't mean that you can't/shouldn't bend to meet others in the middle. It's actually a very useful tool for persuading others to learn their communication style and approach them not as you like to be, but as they like to be.
User deleted comment on 05/01/22 at 6:39PM UTC
I'm very direct and some people don't like it. Its never my intention to be rude.
The way that my mind works I need to be direct to avoid misunderstanding especially at work when collaborating on projects.
So, I have learned to communicate via email as it comes off softer than I tend to speak. I can take a few minutes to review my email and look for statements that can be softened which is something that I can't do in real time when I speaking face to face with someone.
I use lots of "please, thank you, just to make sure we are all on the same page, please correct me if I am mistaken, etc" I also apologize when I make mistakes or offend anyone.
Im a very direct person. I hate to beat around the bush and struggle with social superficialities. Although I struggled to move ahead in my job due to my personality type, it came down to the fact that either you accept who I am or you don't. Im not rude or crass but I do speak my mind in a professional manner. Im ok with that now because I understand my personality type. If my co workers arent ok with it then that's there problem. Now having said all that, when I introduce myself to people I often explain my personality type and that for the most part helps. I've also learned that how I package my message matters. You catch more flies with honey rather than vinegar kind of thing. But even still I have direct reports who just don't have a productive day if I don't ask how they are doing or how their weekend went before assigning their daily task. Again...not my problem. Why do I have to shoot the $H1t with you for you to do your job? It sounds like maybe they need to have a heart to heart with this person? But if your friend is being professional and not rude or unkind or personal in her dealings with this person then she quite frankly isn't the problem. Is this person your friends manager. I've come to know my bosses/manager and they understand my personality type also.
Thanks for this. I think this is something my friend will likely be doing going forward with new hires she will be interacting with (she's currently remote).
I've got another friend who sounds like they are your twin!
It's much easier to for an indirect person to pivot to directness than the other way around, because there is cultural coding and personal style involved with indirectness. It's an art, and learning it as an adult is more difficult than those who learned it as a child can imagine. (Not to mention, it's a skill some neurodiverse people can't crack at all)
I have always been a very direct person and often speak my mind on topics. I feel your friends pain but I think what I have learned is to air on the side of facts not feelings. It doesn't mean they still won't take it personally but in the end beating around the bush doesn't change the outcome.
Some of it is definitely delivery of these items. Adding in "fluff" words as I call them has helped me instead of just saying "This needs to be done like this...." I have switched it to "Based on what we have learned, this is the most effective way to complete the task" or "This is incorrect work" to "If you take a look at line 4 you will see that the numbers are incorrect" These examples are personal examples of growth from 20-27 years old and I obviously have no idea how your friend is actually speaking.
She read me an email asking the coworker in question to take a look at something before it was published and it read nearly exactly how I would have worded it - & I don't think of myself as being direct!
Sometimes it's just the person who is reading. I have a co-worker like that who takes everything said very very personally. No matter how we word it she sees it as an attack on her.
It may just be your friends co-worker doesn't want to hear what she is being told. It does need to be worked out obviously, and I applaud your friend for taking that step cause not everyone would. As I said originally, what needs to get done needs to get done. Outcomes are outcomes. Adding fluff doesn't change that. Maybe your friend can sit down with the co-worker and a mediator type person someone who is neutral.
its like y’all are in my meetings and discussions with my husband and boss! I really dislike having my tone monitored. I try to modulate for those who are sensitive and try not to be rude but it’s hard. Does anyone have advice on how to to this?
Take a look at the post about yours ( Anonymous
04/29/22 at 9:20AM CDT). I think they touched on some things that might be helpful for you.