Emotional Labor Survival Tips
Hello Bossladies! What tips do you have for dealing without emotional labor? I have a boss’s boss who is disrespectful and rude, which is not consistent with our company values - but there’s no indication that this is going to change. Of course, he reacts very negatively if you stand up for yourself or if you’re not super positive toward him. This has been going on for about a year and I’ve exhausted my “deal with it” reserves. Help!
I feel your pain on this. At my last job, my immediate boss was very rude and disrespectful towards me for almost 5 years (I needed the job).
With regards to coping mechanisms, I second what Krista said, but would like to add a couple comments.
Rediscovering and immersing yourself in a hobby (or hobbies) you like outside of work are common coping mechanisms because it essentially makes work a smaller percentage of how you define yourself. If work is 100% who you are, and something goes wrong (regardless of fault) suddenly it feels like you are a failure right? If you have hobbies/a full life outside of work, work becomes only one small part of who you are. It subconsciously changes how you define yourself; you become less dependent on work to be fulfilled and consequently are able to feel happy/fulfilled more often. So when something goes wrong at work, it still sucks, until you remember that you killed your last work out, baked a great cake for your friend's bday tonight, or are going to be on a fabulous vacation this weekend etc. Basically, the more fulfilled you feel by things in your life, the more strength you will have to deal with whatever work and life throws at you.
Now, it takes time to figure out how to fit hobbies into your schedule and sometimes you frankly don't have energy to do them. So below are a couple of other things I did daily/weekly.
While at work, I found it really helpful to take breaks. I drive to work most of the time, so if I felt like I was about to lose it, I would go out to my car and listen to loud angry music with the windows up. I gave myself 10min. In those 10min I could be as emotional as I wanted, but when it was up I had to be composed enough to go back in and do my job. On days I didn't drive, I forced myself to refocus the energy by walking around the block and then to a nearby restaurant where I'd buy a treat for myself. If you don't drive, try to find a place outside your office where you can just get away sometimes a walk around the block can do wonders especially if there is a treat at the end. ;) I tried to get out of the office for lunch as much as possible too. I usually brought a lunch, but would leave the building to go eat it somewhere else.
I also listened to music at work. Some offices don't allow this, but I can't do the whole quiet office thing (couldn't study that way either) so I would listen to music at a lowish volume so if someone was standing next to me I could hear them talk. Music helped me focus while studying, so I knew it would help me focus at work. It was just an added bonus that it drowned out my boss' voice when we did sit next to each other. It helped me pretend like he wasn't there.
Again, these things were on top of doing things outside of work that I enjoyed, the final year I was also job hunting and had an exit strategy.
Regardless of what coping mechanisms you take, the thing you absolutely need to be doing is documenting every situation where your boss' boss is rude and disrespectful. I won't lie, it felt weird when I was documenting things (my parents told me to do it I didn't come up with the idea myself), but the end result was that I had been documenting for about a year and had examples of his behavior, both in solo meetings and in team meetings.
I was lucky that I became friends with the person in charge of HR, and while I only reported him once (forced complaint because we got in a screaming match that had to be mediated by HR...not my finest moment), I was able to include information that I had been documenting and it did help. The relationship with my boss didn't improve, but our cubes were moved as far apart as possible and we were never allowed to be in a meeting alone again. Definitely a band-aid to the situation, but better than it had been...it's amazing what 30ft of space can do.
Like I said, I know I was lucky that I could trust the HR person to have my back. Regardless of that, documenting behavior shows a pattern, and patterns of inappropriate behavior open companies up to a lawsuit if things don't change. It forces HR to take action, and can protect you if you do decide to file a report and stay with the company.
I wish you luck, it's a tough situation to be in and completely unfair that you are being forced to "deal with it".
Thank you! This is great advice, especially re-engaging in a hobby and making time for things outside of work. I am realizing that a big part of my self image come from my work and this situation is really taking a toll.
I have not been great about fitting in time for working out, reading or journalling (the three that I think would work best for me right now), but your point about the music is a great one. I’m definitely going to implement that tomorrow. I may be alone in my home office, but I feel more cheerful even thinking about it.
Hello Anonymous,
I feel your pain! Unfortunately too many of us have been there and there isn't always HR or other group that can support, and, even if there is, it doesn't always work as intended or the intimidation has gotten so bad that you can't trust that it will even if it does. Sometimes the situation just sucks.
A few things to consider:
* Do your best to limit the time with the offending party. I know that there are meetings that must happen, etc., but unless it was "mandatory" I avoided social type gatherings that included the person and even adjusted my work style (ex. am I in a cube and do they sit near me - book a conference room for all meetings and calls to get physical distance)
* Begin (or continue) coming up with an exit strategy. Strengthen your internal network and your external network. Do informal interviews to meet, learn more about a department and what's out there. Do you know a headhunter? Do you have a friend that has used one? Great! Talk with them. Write down your roles, skills, and the things you want and don't want out of a next role/job. Get clear about what you want next and start looking. Even in good times this can take a while for those of us who are highly specialized.
* A coach can do wonders. This can be part of your growth and getting ready for your next thing.
* And the most common advice, exercise, eat well, sleep the best you can, take up meditation/yoga/relaxation/gratitude journal. Sometimes these things help with the reserves, but sometimes you are just totally burnt and need to get out.
Above all, please know that you are not alone, and it is not you. It is them. Some people lead with fear, belittlement, and all kinds of other awful behaviors. Normally they have someone protecting them and their unacceptable behavior for a reason like "they get results" ignoring that ultimately this damages the company.
Thank you, Krista! This is exactly the kind of advice that I was hoping for! I’ve been thinking about working with a coach, but hadn’t thought about it in this specific context, so thank you!
Thank you, too, for the acknowledgement that this situation sucks - it’s a little easier to bear the emotional labor when it’s acknowledged!
It is! That is where that connection to others is helpful. It is the reminder that it isn't you and that it takes a lot of work just to be around someone like that. It can be exhausting. But, you've got this!
Feel free to reach out to me directly if you would like the name of the coach I have been working with. I also know that I have seen coaches on FGB so you may be able to reach out to one of them as well.
Good luck!
You could file an ethic report or discuss with HR. If you have a mentor, that would be helpful as well for coaching. If approaching HR, I would ask for advice on how to handle the situation not go in and just complain.
Thank you! I don’t think that HR will be a viable option in this case, based on similar cases that I’m aware of from the past (usually the more junior person is the one that suffers the fall out). I have spoken to a trusted advisor, but I think that I will need to rely on self-help or resources outside of the organization. In particular, I’m hoping to find strategies that help me to remember that his behavior is a reflection of him, not on me and I should not let it affect me in the long run.