How to overcome bias against stay at home moms
This might be a dirty little secret, it was among my GenX friends discussing over brunch yesterday. The four of us are in hiring manager roles and all admitted when we see a resume come through with a 10-15 year gap we really don’t jump to help that woman. We all agreed that as women who had to stay working or wanted to stay working we harbor some resentment towards those who had the option to stay home with their kids. We also felt most of these women expected to come back to the workforce at the same or higher level than they left when in most cases entire industries have changed in the time they were gone. As women who balanced the struggles of motherhood with careers we didn’t seem to feel these women deserved the same credit we did. Interestingly all four of us have played significant roles in the PTA, soccer boards, community organizations. As one pointed out, it’s always the busy working moms who make time to organize the soccer fundraiser, be the uniform coordinator etc. So the argument that SAHMs were busy doing other work so us working moms didn’t have to was busted.
We realized we felt unsympathetic to these women, we don’t feel they are part of our tribe and we agreed we should attempt to change our thinking but none of us was sure how.
I am so glad I read your post, albeit several months after it was written. I am one of those women who have an employment gap of 10 years and counting, and I am currently taking classes online leading to certifications preparing me for a return to the workforce. I was cautiously optimistic about my chances of beginning a new career, but, after reading your post, I realize the odds are slimmer than I had hoped. I have been preparing my resume to reduce bias against sexism and ageism, along with addressing my long gap in employment. It had not occurred to me, however, to be wary of fellow mothers prejudging me for this employment gap. I honestly believed that they, of all those in positions of hiring, would understand.
I commend you for not only recognizing that this is an issue for many women, but for also taking that step in working towards a way to resolve your bias. I truly mean that. Furthermore, I am thankful for your post, as it gives me an opportunity to address the employment gap from a perspective that I had not considered. Now that I am looking at it from the viewpoint of women who did not pause their careers, I can understand where you are coming from. I guess the saying "The grass is greener..." applies here. I was -- and still am -- rather envious of my peers who were able to stay in their careers and flourish. Twelve years ago, my husband surprised me with leaving our marriage when our kids were five and seven. The oldest is developmentally disabled and will never live independently. The babysitting or daycare options that were available to me with his disability cost about the same as private college tuition.
I dream of the days when I was working towards transitioning from Flight Attendant to the airline's corporate office, complete with company contribution towards an MBA (ahh, those were the days, weren't they?). When my son’s disability became apparent, I took a leave, then a long furlough, then, with great regret, I was left with no choice but to leave my career. Even 12 years later it hurts, a literal pang-in-my-stomach hurt, to think of how the trajectory of my life has changed due to having to quit. Back then, I was like many other women -- I worked hard, was ambitious, and dreamed big. It seemed like there was nowhere to go but up.
I have heard similar stories from many of the other Special-Needs mothers I know. None of them currently work. They can't. Daily therapies, limited support, specialized respite options too expensive, etc. Like me, all these mothers I'm referring to had no choice but to leave their careers.
Again, I thank you for your viewpoint. If this information is helpful for me, perhaps it will be helpful for many others facing the same or similar challenges. I will now be prepared to face this new-to-me bias, in addition to the ageism and sexism, and hopefully find my way back into a viable career.
If the experience and education line up to the job, a gap shouldn't be an issue. It is one of those things you talk about in the initial interview and confirm skills and fit, at the same time as understanding volunteering or other experience and blocks that occurred to result in the gap.
That's standard practice across the board.
Simply seeing a gap in the resume and tossing it is much like seeing a name you aren't sure how to pronounce and deciding not to call because maybe they have an accent that would be tough to understand... or 2 Qs at the end that makes you worry about embarrassing yourself by saying it wrong.
It's personal bias and it should be eliminated from the process.
Defending the person who posted this a bit. Their headline is asking how to overcome this bias. Every single one of us has a bias--acknowledging the bias is the first step in fixing this issue.
Not sure if you're saying I'm defending the poster or if you are defending them. I acknowledge that we all have bias and my point is that it should be eliminated from the process.
They acknowledged their bias and *my* resolution was to look specifically at the person's skill set and education. If they align and you only feel like they should be excluded because of the gap in time, acknowledge that the person fits and do an initial interview. The interview would give a clear indication of fit, non-resume experience, and details that aren't clear.
The gap and name analogy were showing that both are biases that cause people to not be considered for interviews. I have experienced both.
I used to feel exactly as you described- I guess that is good to know that some things don't change- but I think this provides an opportunity to challenge why you think this way. Like all of you, I was on PTA, ran the annual fundraiser, on the strategic planning committee for school, etc while balancing a very successful and fulfilling career. I absolutely loved working and having a family. I felt blessed that I could do both. I also felt it was important to show to my children that you could work hard, have a successful career and raise a family. While working FT, I also was diagnosed with MS. I never slowed down and because I have the right doctor and the right medication my MS is steady and has not progressed. So, 7 years ago, my position at a PE firm was eliminated during a corporate restructuring, I had a generous severance package and a non-compete so I took some time off. So, two things happened that stopped me from returning back to work- my FIL experienced a traumatic brain injury and our oldest attempted suicide. I don't say this for sympathy but just the reality check as to why someone may have a gap in their resume. After a long battle, my FIL passed away. Our oldest has made remarkable progress while his college plans had to be restructured. He is miles ahead of where he was and will probably go away to college next year. So, I believe that my career journey was meant to pause so I was home when the worst happened. So, as I network to get back in the workforce, this isn't a story that I want to share...so when you ask how to change your thinking maybe consider that the time off was necessary for whatever reason. Maybe rephrase your mindset from thinking "she just wants some spending money", "she doesn't really need this job", "she is just getting bored of playing tennis", "her kids are probably out of the house" "she would be too expensive to hire"- to her background is fantastic- perhaps a woman who had a very successful career and took time off for whatever reason- may be exactly the person you want.
First, I am very glad that your son is doing much better.
But I'm glad that you shared your story because the reason we give for taking a break is often not the whole reason. The whole reason is usually much more complicated.
Thank you for the kind words. The real question is how to change our thinking so we are supportive of other women. Just as every career story is unique, so is every career pause. It is hard to resist judging or saying "I would never leave my career to be at home". You never actually know the true story. I would never share the pain of the time at home nor should I need to do that.
When asked, what caused me to leave the workforce, I phrase it that the restructuring which eliminated my position gave me an opportunity to spend some time at home when a family health issue cropped up so I was able to handle it. An honest answer but not really "selling" myself.
It may be that I long worked in hedge funds/PE/investments a heavily male dominated field so my perspective may be tainted by that culture. One interesting thing I noticed over time is that a few times men interviewing me have said- "Oh, that's nice. I was off for a few years working on a start-up with some of my buddies. We sold our idea and then moved on." Hmmmm sounds like a possible bluff to me- or it just such an appealing answer (and every guy's dream) that it is taken as fact.
So, think of how you would react to an explanations of a resume break:
- opportunity to be at home and handled a serious health issue
- tried to launch a start up
Both MAY be honest answers but it seems to me that one would be viewed as far more interesting than the other and would be a reason to keep talking with the candidate.
Thoughts?
I appreciate your honesty and hope to give you another view. I was a stay-at-home mom for 12 years. My exhusband was in the Marine Corps and this was in the early years of internet access--in other words, before people could easily work from anywhere. When I moved to a new town, employers knew that my time was limited and therefore didn't want to hire me, and often, my pay wouldn't have covered my daycare.
Add to that...my son is autistic.
I returned to work in 2008 during the last recession and when my husband informed me that he wanted a divorce. After all, why did he have any interest in a woman who gave up her career to support his in the military. (You can't make this up.)
I don't share this for sympathy, I actually think my life is much better now. I share it because you have no idea what other people are going through. Most military spouses I know would love to have full time employment. Between frequent moves, spouses who are deployed for months on end and constantly being the rock at home for our kids, it doesn't leave a lot more time. Probably easier now than 10 years ago, but still difficult.
Hope this gives you some view into the other side. And btw, I was really jealous of women who had a spouse that wasn't always out of the country or family who didn't live across the country.
Wow, thanks so much for being incredibly honest about how you feel and think about this. I am thankful that you have started the conversation and am encouraged that there may be an opening for some change in this area. Any way we can support other people, no matter their circumstances or situations, is encouraging the humanity of others to thrive. Treating people with full dignity, humanity, and kindness never hurts anything. It only helps good things to live.
A couple thoughts from my perspective:
First, not every SAHM is in the same situation. There may be a child or children at home with disabilities who require care. There may be an older generation involved who also requires care. There may be health issues for mom that limit her abilities to juggle the physical, mental, emotional costs of "doing it all." We are unlikely to know what is really happening in other peoples' lives or the difficulties they don't put into the public sphere.
Second, working and parenting does not always pay off financially. I have turned down a number of positions, even when I wanted to work part or full time simple because the financials of paying childcare vs. the take home pay didn't make sense. Our family had more take home pay when I did not work than when I did at a time in our lives when every penny mattered. Please remember that a high paycheck in no way indicates how hard someone works, how qualified they are, or the level of experience they have. Many people choose careers or jobs because they have a need to work at a particular mission in life (e.g. most human services and nonprofit jobs that pay much less than they should), they need to remain is a specific geographic location for the benefit of a partner or to care for family members, or for any other number of reasons. These constraints sometimes dictate a choice to "Stay at Home" even if your are not actually at home all day.
Third, it might be helpful to check the assumptions or stereotypes attached to that acronym "SAHM" that are painting far to many people with a broad brush. Just because a mom is not volunteering in the same places you are volunteering does not mean they are sitting at home wasting time. I know many SAHMs who are constantly checking in on and cooking for elderly neighbors, taking their children to volunteer and do community service with them (raising service-minded, caring people, may be one of the most important contributions a parent can make in the world), or are spending their time growing sustainable food and living in more time intensive but eco-friendlier ways. All these things are of immeasurable valuable and provide our larger society with humanity and community that is desperately needed.
Finally, for all of us women, one of the greatest privileges we have is in being able to CHOOSE whether we go to work or stay at home. Most people don't have a choice, and that is perhaps the heaviest weight to carry.
Let's help each other make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves and encourage each other to give other human beings the benefit of the doubt.
I'm so glad you posted this. It sounds like you had a very open and honest brunch discussion!
I understand how it is easy to feel resentment when it appears that someone else has had an easier road and didn't have to juggle everything else.
Working full time and STILL playing significant roles in PTA, soccer, etc is not easy. No wonder you're feeling these emotions!
Here's the thing though -- making judgements about other's choices or situations never feels good. I remember my mom once judging a childhood friend's mom who choose to work! It kind of goes both ways, right?
At the end of the day, we need to run our own race and not worry about what others did or didn't do.
Gen X ladies have lots on our plate right now. You're in a great position to help a fellow Gen X woman out.