Anyone else feel this way?

31 Comments

1. Lindsay HarperApril 13,2022 at 8:16PM UTC

   I am also on the cusp of 50 and reflecting on life. Success can be measured in many different arenas in your life. Did you get your kids through school, were you a good neighbor, did you volunteer your time? Don't get wrapped up thinking that your title is your success. Everyone's journey is different and that is what makes life interesting!

2. Janel MillerApril 13,2022 at 11:00PM UTC

   I am so very grateful for this post and the comments. My life has been lots of fun but now in my 50s I realize I didn't make financial responsibility a priority. The experiences have been priceless so how would I even compare my success to someone with lots of money but few fun memories? But of course, I still feel inadequate when I ponder what could have been if I were more focused on finances.

3. Crystal HowellApril 14,2022 at 1:38AM UTC

   It's never to late start financial focus, you lived, loved, had fun,made memories over half a century, now get to work and save. Talk to a financial advisor, never too late.

4. Janel MillerApril 14,2022 at 10:48PM UTC

   @Crystal I appreciate your reply. "Never too late" is so true. It does feel like it is time for me to get some financial advice and make some positive moves! Thank you ?

5. Mindy ClaggettApril 14,2022 at 12:27PM UTC

   52 here and feeling the same... I stayed at one job that I LOVED for 8 years, then I stayed at the next job (which was great until just before I left) for 10 years. I tend to stay at jobs that I like because I enjoy them, and I'm very much part of the "I work so I can have the life I want outside of work" club.

   I've never been career driven, but now I'm wondering if I should have focused more on it. I'm under-employed and have never had a true management/team lead role. Not for lack of trying -- I have the experience and have applied for dozens of director-level roles over the years, but no one is willing to give me a shot. I would like not to care, but I do, unfortunately...

   I also have NO plans to retire and feel like I've got at least 20 years of good work left in me. But what am I going to do with that? I don't know...

6. RosemaryApril 14,2022 at 12:36PM UTC

   People should be paid and recognized for their value. But companies instead focus on promoting to ‘management’ so that becomes the only path to ‘success’ which makes no sense, unless you’re really driven to lead other people.

7. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 12:36PM UTC

   I am in my early 40s and feel that way every day. I joined the military right out of high school, learned how to be a military broadcaster, stayed for 14 years and then went to college for the arts, my true passion. I was 32 in a sea of 22-year-old classmates who all seemed to know better than I how to make their opportunities work for them.

   I struggled with making an artistic career work for 10 years while maintaining sideline work in a field that didn’t matter to me. I met and married my husband who has children from his first marriage and realized I needed more from the work I was doing daily (more satisfaction, joy, and better pay for our family). I decided to get back into television production and set aside my artistic work… for a while.

   So far the new job in production feels great, fits great, the pay could be a hair better, but it’s so much better than my previous job. I worry that I won’t ever get back to the artistic work, that I’ve essentially given it up, and what did it all matter? Why did I bother leaving the military to end up doing the same work?

   I know I’ve made the right decision overall, but I worry that I’ll forget my artistic work in my focus on family and long term stability.

8. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 12:47PM UTC

   I feel your pain! I had a great first job that lasted more than 20 years . Now I want to/need to fast track to management but haven’t found a mentor or advocate in my present employer. I have great feedback and people look to me for guidance. Anyone have suggestions?

9. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 1:02PM UTC

   Yes, I'll be 50 later this year and basically I'm in a situation where I've been so helpful that I've been stuck where I am while many of my peers have been promoted to directors while I remain in middle management.

   I'm also seeing new hires at my level and they seem to get to do more interesting things.

   However, there's a few more factors involved: chronic illness, working on a PhD while working mostly full time, and probably the biggest one: having undiagnosed ADHD until late 2020.

   I'm looking for a new position and this is the way I look at it - I've accumulated a lot of knowledge that will be useful *somewhere*. And it's an opportunity to start over in a role that will fit me better.

10. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 1:21PM UTC

    Are you truly career driven? Do you WANT to be in management? Don’t use your age as excuse to not be where you are or where you want to be. For sure, there is ageism (or whatever the appropriate buzz word of the week is). You don’t have to necessarily build a relationship with your current manager to find an advocate or someone to “lift you up”. You can find someone within your organization or another that can help you.

    I’m in my 60s. I never got on the management track and I’m okay with that. Sure it would have been nice, more pay, etc. But I do what I do very well, people want to work with me and they come to me with questions managers cannot answer. I also get to go home each night and my phone/email doesn’t blow up. I can take a vacation and work doesn’t intrude. I now have a new boss who wants to be sure her team is happy (best female boss I’ve ever had and she is my kids age). I was honest. Yes, I’m happy here, but full disclosure - I will be retiring in 5 years so use me while you can.

    Think carefully about what you really want, you probably have a good 15-20 years left of working so if you want to be in management, start working toward that goal. Find classes you can take on your own, network in places you think might not be right for you because you never know. Did you ASK your current employer if they would send/cover the cost of you taking CE classes? Does your employer offer internal classes? Did anyone in your organization even KNOW that you were wanting to move up/increase your skill set? You will find someone that is willing to help/guide you. It is hard work it can be rewarding.

    Or, decide that you are happy where you are regardless of what other people say/ask. You know your stuff, you have good working relationships with the people you work with. Why can’t that be enough?

11. Amy KeachApril 14,2022 at 1:34PM UTC

    This is such a timely post for so many women of my generation. I'm smack in the middle of GenX and wasted years comparing myself to peers, to people entering the workforce after I did. That only sucks away your energy, which leaves you less motivated, less driven, less happy. (Elizabeth referenced the "comparison is the thief of joy" quote and I couldn't agree more!!!)

    Lindsay's point about everyone's journey being different is also right on the money. While I'm not as high up the ladder as I thought I'd be, every experience I've had thus far has helped shape me into the professional I am today. Without any of those experiences, I don't think I'd have the same outlook, the same passions, the same drive to make work a better place for all involved. I didn't figure out what I "wanted to be when I grew up" until the pandemic hit, and now I'm laying the groundwork for what I'll do after I leave Yale, or maybe even while I'm at Yale.

    The bottom line is you have to do you - no one else can do that for you. Highly recommend Simon Sinek's work on finding your "why", and am currently enjoying a bit of self-analysis with Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection (self therapy for this admitted perfectionist). Only you know you, so try to find a way to give yourself some grace to grow into yourself. YOU GOT THIS!!!

12. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 2:19PM UTC

    I can absolutely relate to your post. I decided to go back to school in my early 50s to obtain my graduate degree. I have always wanted to continue my education, but early in my career, the time wasn't right while I was trying to raise small children and work full-time. The education has helped me in my current role and I am now faced with asking myself what I want to do next either with my current employer or outside the organization. I feel the graduate degree will open doors for me, but narrowing down what I want has been a struggle. I plan to spend time this summer doing a lot of self-reflection and talking with folks about the next steps on my journey. Any suggestions on how you all navigated this road is certainly welcome.

13. Alicia PiconeApril 14,2022 at 2:41PM UTC

    Yep - that's why I went to college - and grad school - in my 50s.

14. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 2:41PM UTC

    I turned 50 during the pandemic. For the last 10 years I have been in various project manager roles but never really moving up. Because I was stuck in the house, I decided to start my Master's degree - it is something I have always wanted to do and the coursework is helping me to see myself in a different way. In my job I typically don't get substantive feedback, so having professors respond to my work with critical questions or detailed positive comments has really helped me increase my confidence. The past 5 years have been incredibly hard for me on a personal level, so it is likely a blessing that I wasn't in a higher level role. I understand your concern/frustration with not having an advocate. For me, I know it has a lot to do with my family background and my own inability to trust and connect with others in a deep way. I am learning to be my own advocate and am looking to join a mastermind group or something similar where I can grow peer-based mentors and develop professionally. That may be a good avenue for you too?

15. Jennifer KaufmanApril 14,2022 at 3:50PM UTC

    I feel the same way. I often wonder how could have done so well in college, with my volunteer work, and with my blog, and yet, be a complete loser in the workplace. It's really depressing.

16. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 8:53PM UTC

    Well, first stop declaring yourself as a loser in the workplace. That is self-defeating talk and not allowed. You have a job, get paid to do the work, are presumably good at it. If your volunteer work and blog are successful why aren’t those enough? We don’t all have to excel at everything we do. And that is okay. But if you really want to “move up” at work, figure out how to do it, get some training, go back to school, ask. Or change jobs.

17. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 8:56PM UTC

    Thank so much to all who have replied to this post. I never expected to get 1, let alone all the responses. WOW! I truly appreciate you all and taking the time to share your experiences. I especially appreciate the supportive words!

    I definitely read a theme about grad school - that has been on my radar for years. But lately I've felt like it's not to advance my career but because my younger sisters have it and I don't :-) LOL. And I want the self accomplishment. I just need to get motivated to get started.

    After reading the replies - I do agree that is management really where I want to be? Why do we succumb to the system's roadmap that being a manager is when one is deemed successful? For me, based on my observations, it does seem like it is managers who get the big raises, who get the big promotions, and the recognitions. How do we navigate our way out of this way of thinking?

    In a general sense, I am successful. I have a well paying job in a great company! And fortunately, I have everything that I need. That should be enough, no?

18. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistApril 15,2022 at 4:48AM UTC

    I'll share with you what one of my VP of Engineering candidates once told me.
    He said he thought that taking that first Manager position was the biggest mistake he had made in his career. He said "I became an Engineer because I love to build things. Now, I spend my life going to meetings to plan more meetings."

    Don't let anyone else define what happiness should be for you. Don't let other's judgements make you feel bad about where you are in your career. Are YOU happy? If so, that's what matters. If not, do something about it.

19. ReachingGoalsApril 15,2022 at 9:40PM UTC

    Yes, it is enough. I don’t have a degree either. Peer/family pressure encouraged me to go back to school and get at least my 2 year degree. My heart wasn’t in it. I did part time classes after the last kid was in high school. I finally just quit and told everyone that I just didn’t care about that piece of paper, I had a good job and an excellent life. I was happy with that.

20. AnonymousApril 15,2022 at 8:52AM UTC

    You're not the only middle aged woman iced out of the management train. And have nothing to show for decades of sacrifice. I wish we didn't have to identify with work so much or our accomplishments demeaned by not rising up the ladder. I've always been one of the more skilled and popular employees and the first cut while the bullies are promoted. That's a very salient point. Bullies and self interested employees tend to rise the ranks. My most successful friends are sharks--they don't know it. They grew up being given support for their goals on a single track. Seeing that I try to view working on my humanity as a bigger life goal. But I do feel for you, I'll be 50 soon with no degree and no job. The men in my last position all had mentorships however informal while many women didn't get a basic training for their jobs. I wonder if there are free mentor resources?

21. gini ertzApril 15,2022 at 10:24AM UTC

    Been there, however, I have been in the proprietary (as well as ) management position(s). When the comment comes up, I smile and let them know I am perfectly happy NOT being in those positions nowadays. It also is a bonus to have that 'back up' on your crew, for knowing one's 'place' and existing there while not screwing up anyone else's. Several years ago, I broke down a manager's salary/ expenses. He may as well have been a part time educator in a very modestly funded public school at the primary elementary level. I am sure his student loans have been forgiven by now. Whatever you are making a living at, IS your REAL JOB. Think outside that career box. Do what you enjoy doing (for the most part enjoy), it will show and others will be envious of you. On fact, with that comment made by whomever....they may already know that you are doing it. Any day above ground is farther than many nowadays at our age. Why, the death rate is faster than the birth rate though? there are many reasons, but one is that many gals are foregoing it until their careers have taken off and then it becomes one of those things that 'getting around to' is never done. Mine are grown. I had two jobs most of their childhood at one time. Real jobs come in many forms. "Existing in life"...is the primary one. And the salary isn't always in numerical form. Good luck, don't let your midlife crisis continue....midlife will be over and THEN how old will you be?

22. Desiree JohnsonApril 15,2022 at 12:52PM UTC

    People have their own journeys in the workforce. I chose not to go into management until my children were in high school. I wanted to be able to be a more hands on mom. Now I'm facing 45 and and hoping to become a manager at some point before 50. Don't judge your journey with others. Every path is different.

23. Dr. Trelaunda Beckett-JonesApril 15,2022 at 3:57PM UTC

    Many people have written similar comments to what I would say to you. So, let me just encourage you. YOU are at the right space, at the right time. Everyone, especially women, have their own journeys. From my own experience and the research I conducted on women in leadership, your feelings, experience and journey is quite common in “the life of womanhood” . Many women have sacrificed their time and put their goals and dreams on hold to raise children, be caregivers, etc. It’s never too late to go out there and obtain what you want. You will be rewarded for every sacrifice you have made regarding your life’s journey. Ignore the naysayers and keep pushing forward. Your FGB Family will always be here to encourage you, inspire you, motivate you and push you to your greatness! YOU got this! Remember, YOU are at the right space at the right time! Onward & upward!

24. Amy EdmondsApril 15,2022 at 4:55PM UTC

    Just because sexism & ageism are illegal doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

    And then we are in a bind - if we file a complaint, we risk retaliation. Retaliation is also illegal, but if a company or supervisor doesn't care about one law, why would they care about others?

    The "corporate ladder" is an upside-down funnel, and it's not always necessary to "advance" to a job in management from a job in a technical area. Management is a completely different job, requiring different skills and a different personality type. Is it really a job that you want to do?

    If you just like doing what you do, perhaps doing some volunteer work will set you up with a portfolio for launching a consulting career.

25. Erin PettApril 15,2022 at 6:22PM UTC

    A - You have to learn to advocate for yourself, even good managers don't necessarily push you forward without you reminding them to.

    B - Don't compare your journey to anyone else's. Great workers don't necessarily make great managers, and vice versa. Personally, I never wanted the politics or the pressure that comes from the exec levels.

    C - Be careful that you're employer isn't holding you back because you are TOO good of an employee and it would be expensive to back fill you into that role.

26. ReachingGoalsApril 15,2022 at 9:35PM UTC

    Congratulations on turning 50! It is actually an awesome age, there is something freeing about it. Enjoy

27. AnonymousApril 16,2022 at 2:40AM UTC

    Also don't forget that the average age of success is much older than most people think, 45 and beyond. The young genius doesn't exist, its an anomaly. Most famous people we know of didn't achieve career advancement until well past 40. And also at this age we are bad ass. Smart, wise, strategic.

28. Randi LevinApril 17,2022 at 6:30PM UTC

    Sounds like a good time for you to redefine success. That is your starting point.

29. AnonymousApril 21,2022 at 8:26PM UTC

    I turned 50 this year and it has hit HARD. I feel you. This is not the life I saw for myself. It is great - I have a wonderful home, a loving husband, an amazing daughter...but things did not go as planned.

    I try to forgive myself for not being where I expected and just keep trying to be the best that I can be now. But it's challenging and you are definitely not alone. I wish you the best. xoxo

30. Lisa JamesMay 29,2022 at 9:05PM UTC

    I know how you feel. Because of my years of institutional knowledge, experience, and ability to quickly adapt, my assistance was requested by other departments that needed help, but could not hire anyone due to COVID. I felt proud that people had that much faith in me and I was happy to help, but now I feel kind of used up and tossed to the side. I guess good guys do finish last.

31. Shauna RumbaughJuly 10,2022 at 1:51AM UTC

    This is exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. The reward for hard work and competence is just more work.