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Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/04/20 at 10:51AM UTC (Edited)
in
Parenting

"Is this your work?"

I received this written question when I was 12. It was written at the bottom a piece of work I had done in English. It was the only comment that I received. I was stumped. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with this. Was the work so awful that the teacher doubted that it could be mine? Was the work so great that the teacher doubted that it could be mine? To this day, I have no idea, for the quality of my work quickly became the least important thing about this particular situation. I decided that, as this was a question, I would answer it. So, next to “Is this your work?”, I wrote, “Yes”. Moments later, the teacher, Mrs T, spotted what I had done and hauled me out in front of the class. “What’s this?” she asked, wafting my book in front of the class and jabbing her finger at my “Yes”. “Well,” I explained, “You asked me a question, so I thought I’d better answer it.” Apparently, this sparked a flame in Mrs T and her tone became bitey and harsh. “Who do you think you are, writing in your book?!” This sentence has stuck with me. It is one of the most non-sensical things I’ve heard and, even at the tender age of 12, I knew it. I also felt that Mrs T was being totally unreasonable. She had written something that left me confused rather than it helping me know how I’d done and where I could improve, and she had asked a question that, in my innocence, I thought needed answering. So I said… “I’m sorry Mrs T, but I would say that I am exactly the person who should be writing in my book.” Evidently, this poured petrol onto the flames that I had previously sparked. Mrs T exploded and banished me from the classroom, threatening a detention; which I later had quashed by stating my case, logically and calmly, to the Head of Year. While this experience taught me nothing about how to improve my writing (if, indeed, it needed improving ~ I never found out), it was an experience that taught me lessons that have stuck for life… * Feedback needs to be clear and help you improve * A positive relationship can be ruptured in seconds ~ both my * relationship with Mrs T and the relationship Mrs T had with the class, were damaged. * If you ask a question, never be annoyed with someone for answering it. * Never blame someone for pointing out a flaw in your argument. After all, it was you that put the flaw there in the first place. Accept this ‘pointing out’ gracefully and use it as a springboard for quality discussion. These learnings can be applied by us grown-ups with each other and with our children. When we give our children feedback, is it something that they can use to build upon and improve? Are we nurturing robustly positive relationships with our children? Have we ever asked a question of our children and then chastised them for answering it? In the heat of the moment, have we ever said something nonsensical, had our children call us out on it, and then lost the plot? You know what? We’re all human. We’re all fallible. And as the grown-ups in the room, we all have opportunities to role-model ways of being that will build positive, open relationships and stand our children in good stead. To your success Hil Children’s Author and Advocate of Children as new visitors and true novices on the blue-green marble known as Earth. www.rubyandalfie.com

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Carolyn Hipkins
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341
Online Community Manager | Executive Assistant
11/06/20 at 7:22PM UTC
Wow. The assuptions we make about people without a bit of evidence,
Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/16/20 at 3:33PM UTC
Totally Carolyn!
Anonymous
11/06/20 at 1:46PM UTC
This happened to me when I wrote a poem in 4th grade, the teacher wrote this note and I felt terrible thinking that the teacher thought I didn't write it. It would have been far more constructive feedback to tell me what she thought was good and what could be improved on it, but it was probably easier for the teacher to just write something short.
Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/16/20 at 3:32PM UTC
It's so useless and potentially damaging, when feedback is unclear. I think it's also pretty cruel to leave a youngster wondering and feeling terrible. It's an abuse of power dynamic in an environment that's supposed to be nurturing development and progress.
Anonymous
11/06/20 at 1:26AM UTC
Many thanks to you for sharing this story and the many lessons to be reflected on. This is really insightful
Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/06/20 at 9:39AM UTC
Many thanks ;0)
Peg Bittner
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620
retired auditor now into volunteering
11/05/20 at 5:41PM UTC
Your story has so many sides to it I am surprised that you can still think straight and your emotions are still on track. Did your teacher think she was talking to an adult? Did she even consider asking you your reasoning behind the writing, Was there ever a period where she talked to you in a nice even tone and not in a very hostile, angry voice? Where was it where she explained exactly what upset her so much and what could disturb anyone else who read it. This was an English assignment right? Homework I do believe so it could just as easily go as far as her and that is it? What she did to you has been impeded in your mind and soul your entire life, you may not realize it but it maybe influencing anything you write or express as an opinion now. Adults need to keep in mind what they say to children can stay with them into adulthood. Children are so impressionable and teachers are so revered that one bad moment can effect a child a lifetime. What you had was a spurt of writing older than your age. You wrote beyond your years and she reacted way below your years. I feel for you, I have had it done when I was school and of all places when I was working. While at work, I let it roll off my back because I knew sooner or later boss would learn I was telling the truth not only in what she read but that I also wrote the entire report and analysis. You are what you write and a good person. Don't let that one moment define you, you way better than that.
Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/06/20 at 9:53AM UTC
You're right that there are so many questions raised by this experience, Peg. Overall, I'd like to thank Mrs T because of the lessons this experience taught me; about others and about myself. It's something that I use positively with all the teachers, headteachers and business leaders with whom I work. It's a beautiful example of what not to do ;0)
Charity
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61
Daycare Supervisor in Illinois
11/06/20 at 3:17PM UTC (Edited)
I love this story. It applies to us as adults too. There is definitely a lesson to be learned here.
Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/06/20 at 9:50AM UTC
Many thanks, Charity. Overall, I want to thank Mrs T for the valuable lesson that she taught me, without even knowing it.
Gigi Devanney
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334
Comm/Mktg prof w/ focus in SaaS & higher ed.
11/05/20 at 3:47PM UTC
Reading this sparked a memory. When I was in 5th grade. I received the highest grade on a test in the entire grade level. I had always been a "A" student, but I guess this exam had been more challenging than most. The teacher, Mrs. Wheeler, pulled me aside after class and asked me if my parents paid me for my grades. I must have appeared a bit dense because I didn't really understand the question. First of all, it never occured to me that this was something that COULD be done... (paying a child for good grades!?) and two, that I would be motivated by money... rather than just the determination to "do my best." Then, after more thought I wondered about my classmates and who had parents who paid them for their grades. This brief conversation forever changed the way I looked at my education....
Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/05/20 at 3:53PM UTC
It's such an eye-opener, isn't it Gigi?!
Sarah Farnsworth
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30
11/05/20 at 3:40PM UTC
Brilliant lesson. Thanks for sharing. Feedback is critical to building up staff confidence and success. Providing it incorrectly can be so damaging. It isn’t easy to give well and, as shown in your piece, can backfire spectacularly!!
Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/05/20 at 3:52PM UTC
Many thanks, Sarah. Spectacular backfiring can, with skill and a pinch of compassion, be completely avoided.
MichelleW
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180
Worked several positions in the wastewater field
11/05/20 at 10:30PM UTC (Edited)
I definitely wouldn't have taken that situation like that- especially at that age. It would have all been taken as "I'm a bad person". And I didn't have anyone in my life that would have stepped up to show me differently. I've had to learn that type of thing on my own, and it took me moving to another state to start that process (and I'm still working on it). I'm glad that your able to share that story and I hope it helps others, because when you've been brought up in a time where you aren't taught to stand up for yourself, the difference between what I learned and how you choose to take that situation is huge! And honestly, I hope your someone who enjoys being around kids and can find time to do something like a mentoring program because I think that outlook would be an amazing one to pass on. (edit because autocorrect..... isn't always correct, or caught)
Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/05/20 at 3:26PM UTC
Thanks Michelle. I'm touched that you picked up on the passion I have for empowering our youngsters. As you say, too many grow up without a voice or strategies to get their voice heard and understood. Thank you for sharing how you continue to work on yourself ~ each of us is always a work in progress ?
Balanced935126
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121
11/05/20 at 1:51PM UTC
As an adult starting out in the workforce, something similar happened to me. I had been transferred to another manager to help her transition. She accused me of not performing up to standards and dressing out of uniform. I asked for clarification. She got mad because I asked her to clarify what exactly I did. Overheard by another employee, the other employee asked as well what she meant because I was apparently a good example accord to someone who worked there a long time. The manager got even madder. So, I went into the office and called her boss and put him on speaker as he requested. He asked her to clarify for him and when she couldn't he stated that if she could not be clear with her reviews of work he would consider it bullying and she would go back to training. I was also immediately transferred back to my original manager who had no idea what she was talking about when I asked him about my work, uniform and what he thought. He thought I did everything as I was supposed to do and more. But I've always had a go beyond work ethic.
Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/05/20 at 3:04PM UTC
Totally unreasonable behaviour on that woman's part and all credit to you for seeking clarification and sticking to your guns ?
Patricia M. Raskin, Ph.D.
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102
11/05/20 at 1:21PM UTC
just imagine how differently this could have gone with just a positive shift in tone...
Hil Gibb
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143
Award-winning Children's Author
11/05/20 at 3:06PM UTC
Exactly! But then, would I have had the valuable lessons that this experience taught me? ?
Patricia M. Raskin, Ph.D.
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102
11/05/20 at 3:47PM UTC
there are so many different ways to learn....and timing matters.

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