Apologize to my Managers or Move on?

Question

I've been asking for help at work with clients from my team lead and I am frequently told by the lead that the  lead is not available. I originally did not plan to discuss this with my supervisor (higher up than my lead) due my supervisor's harsh management style and unsuccessful attempts at finding solutions. Also, my supervisor promoted those with similar interests so I knew she was biased. My supervisor's manager brought my supervisor into the meeting, even though I said I was uncomfortable and intimidated of my supervisor. Both higher ups defended my lead and the temper got the best of me. I ultimately told both higher ups that I would be transferring to another department. This has been a problem at where I work: management piles on responsibilities to employees, with no compensation for these extra responsibilities, so there is a high turn over rate at my work. Should I apologize, or just look for work somewhere else? Many positions in my place or work that are open require masters degrees and  I have a bachelors. I really feel bullied by my supervisor. This supervisor has a reputation of being harsh, blunt, and making employee's lives miserable if they attempt to challenge the supervisor in any way. I apologize for the wordiness but I want to remain private. I would go to HR, but I am afraid HR is involved in this workplace's politics. COVID-19 has me afraid for trying to find employment, but I honestly do not feel like apologizing to someone who actively is trying to get rid of me because I am standing up for what's right. Please be gentle with your responses ladies, I am admitting fault in this, I'd appreciate it. Thank you

Diannah r · Answer

From your post, it sounds like you are uncomfortable and unhappy in your current role. I guess the question I would ask myself is 'If nothing ever changes, can I be happy here? Is the job I'm doing and the compensation worth what I am experiencing?' If the answers are yes, then I would try to find a way to work within the system to become comfortable. If the answers are no, then I would start looking for another job. 'Sticking it out' because a job gives valuable training or resume' fodder can have some valuable pay off. 'Sticking it out' without that payoff is not something that will be good for your career or your life. Are you more valuable than the way that job is treating you? If you can't even trust HR, then I would seriously question staying there.  Just my thoughts on the matter. I hope things improve for you soon!!

Anonymous · Answer

If anything, I would apologize to the supervisor's manager and not necessarily to your supervisor.  My previous boss and I did not get along, and there was a day where we were in a meeting and he was berating me loudly and I was over it and responding just as loudly.  It got to the point where the CFO (HR's boss at my company) had to get involved and mediate.

I was extremely embarrassed about the situation, but didn't feel like I needed to apologize to my boss.  This had been our relationship for awhile, and frankly I didn't want to be the bigger person lol (he didn't apologize to me either btw).  I did however, apologize to the CFO for my behavior the next day.

The interesting thing that she said, was that showing emotion at work means that you have passion for your job.  The key is learning how to channel that emotion in a productive way.

I ended up staying at that job for about 9 more months (I was in the final year of my MBA, job hunting already, and this job was giving me good experience).  During that time there was a meeting with HR, a formal report was filed about the incident, and I asked for tips on how to work with him.  The end result was that they separated my boss and I, so he sat with the other division he managed.  He still had to sign off on budgetary things, and I had to update him monthly on my projects, but otherwise we didn't interact (I was already kind of a silo division before this so it wasn't a big deal).

The point of sharing that story is that emotions happen at work, and they aren't necessarily a bad thing.  If you feel guilty about it and it's causing you stress, apologize, if it's not, then don't.  You don't have to apologize if you do not think that you did anything wrong.

The more important thing is how everyone moves forward from this.  Unless you are going to quit or can move to a different department immediately, you still need to do your job and to do it you need help from someone.  If your lead is too busy, then you either need to be pointed to someone else or their workload needs to be shifted so that they can have time to help you.  There is no shame in going back to the supervisor's manager and saying 'I know that things got heated last time, but I don't feel like a solution was found.  I want to make sure that I'm doing the best thing both for the clients and our company, so I need someone to turn to.  If it's not the lead, who else would you recommend?' How the supervisor's manager handles this will honestly tell you what your next steps should be.

Lastly, start documenting everything.  Even if you are going to start looking for a new job, document every instance of the bullying and the lack of help when requested.  That way you are protected in case something else happens.

Good luck! Office politics suck, especially right now when everyone is already on edge.

Ellen · Answer

I am sorry to hear about your situation. This year's working conditions are challenging on all fronts and requiring different and new muscles of everyone. You've shown self reflection and growth by putting yourself out there in asking for other perspectives. What you're going through is hard and unfortunately it's not an outlier. Apologizing or moving on do not feel mutually exclusive. Here’s how I think about it:

1/ To apologize or not. Perhaps there are insecurities of the lead/supervisor which influences how they behave/respond when feeling exposed. What if the lead does not believe she/he has the skill set to help with clients but is embarrassed to admit that so it’s easier to be hostile/dismissive? Maybe they feel overworked or burnt out and responded poorly (from what you shared; it doesn’t sound like it). I’m not suggesting to psycho-analyze them, but if you are willing to apologize, in a way that allows you to stay true to what’s important to you, what’s the downside in apologizing? Maybe for those individuals an apology may be an act of kindness and could mean more to them then they let on.

2/ To move on or not. I think the questions Diannhr posted above are helpful as you want your decisions to be grounded on what's important to you whether you stay or decide to part ways. If you choose to stay or are there longer than desired while you may look for other opportunities, please find ways to nurture and care for yourself as there are real physical, mental and emotional downsides in an environment that feels discouraging/political.

Good luck!

Anonymous · Answer

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  If you truly believe that your supervisor  is trying to get rid of you, you may feel more at peace and empowered if you start to look for other opportunities. It may give you more perspective about what's out there (both good and bad) and may allow you to feel a greater sense of control of your destiny.

Anonymous · Answer

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am trying to navigate something similar.

Apologize to my Managers or Move on?

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