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Breakup Advice?
Hey there! Interested in hearing some breakup advice. Recently got out of a very confusing relationship that lasted 4 years and ended very messily. It’s been 4 months and it still hurts as much as the day it happened. I’ve tried everything, getting closure, burning love letters, tinder dates, meditation. Any ideas?? Thanks!
- Bunny
Jillian KnappEducator, Storyteller, Lifeline
826
10/08/20 at 11:58AM UTC
Hi Bunny.
There has been some fabulous advice on this thread. A breakup at times is like a death and we need to grieve it in a similar way. Give yourself grace. One thing I learned after one of my major breakups was how to be whole by myself again. I realized I liked to do things that my relationship was not conducive to. Try to re-discover yourself. Sometimes these relationships overshadow who we really are which is why they don’t end up working. I’m sure there were a number of things that weren’t working that led to your breakup. Remember to value yourself and that although heartbreaking this can be a new beginning that is making room for some fabulous people to enter your life. Take care!
Jennifer
77
10/06/20 at 4:22PM UTC
Hi Bunny
I feel your pain. 4 years a long time and so you need to acknowledge that and then give yourself time to move on. There will still be times when it hurts and you might get angry. Let it happen then let it go. Bottling up or ignoring didn't work for me so I had to say "yup, here comes some anger but I am not giving it much time. I have better things to do with my time!" Journaling also helped me A LOT. Especially years later when you find it and you are like "wow, that was bad at the time but look how far I have come!" I did that for a lot of things in my life. It reminds me where I was and where I am now. I am MUCH better off now! Hope you will be too! You can do it!
Bunny RenderCustomer Resolution Officer
30
10/06/20 at 10:03PM UTC
Thank you Jeniffer! This is really insightful... I’m going to start journaling. I can’t wait to have a moment of looking back and seeing how far I’ve come :)
Jennifer
77
10/07/20 at 12:55PM UTC
YES!! It is a great way to reflect and see how much stronger you are! You got this!
Ellen O'BrienCRO Strategist / Designer
29
10/06/20 at 3:51PM UTC
Hi Bunny - I feel for you so much. I'd say I've gone through about 3 of these debilitating break ups in the last decade & my most recent was the first one where I actually managed the sadness through activities other than men & booze. Not shaming that route either - I think there are lessons & experiences to be had in whichever way someone moves on & I am sure happy I explored different paths to healing. But I will say, it happened much more quickly & fully when I invested time in family (if you have family you can make company with - I know not everyone does), friends & hobbies. At the time, I dove head first into my interest of yoga - attending all sorts of events & even going to ramen nights with people from yoga class that I barely knew - just so I had some company on Friday nights & people to talk to about a common interest. If something like that comes to mind for you, now is a great time to pour yourself into something you love without any expectation of or pressure on the results. Friends helped a ton too. If you like dancing, making myself find joyous & free movement helped - even if dancing brought tears, it would usually end up in simultaneous laughter about how silly that moment was. I can provide you with some online dancing classes if you are interested. Message me & I'm sorry for your loss. It will be ok in time. You have already taken the first time & reached out when you were in need.
Bunny RenderCustomer Resolution Officer
30
10/06/20 at 10:01PM UTC
Thank you so much for your reply Ellen! I’ve been spending more time dancing and singing, even though it’s brought me to tears (and yes, laughing about how silly that is)... I’ve reconnected with my mum who has been an amazing support, and trying to see friends as much as possible... thank you so much for this awesome advice :)
Meg SweetenFormer TV Exec, now moto-riding nature goddess
54
10/06/20 at 3:35PM UTC
Dear Bunny,
Sending you a big virtual hug as well! What has helped me in the past with moving on from old loves is getting curious about what I needed to learn from that person and the relationship. Taking responsibility for my role in it. I believe everyone in our lives is mirroring something back within ourselves. So when I hear you ended a confusing relationship, I suggest you journal out or ask a trusted friend who may have a helpful perspective....why did you gravitate towards that type of person, what have you learned about yourself from the relationship, what are things you won't settle for in your next relationship?
I have stepped away from bad relationship and when I got curious about understanding the lessons I learned from the experience, I broke free from the feeling of hurt. I understood what their purpose was for coming into my life. I knew I needed to learn and work on a few things within myself. For me, it was usually healthy boundaries, respect, and mutual give + take, not all give. Hope this helps!
Bunny RenderCustomer Resolution Officer
30
10/06/20 at 9:58PM UTC
Hey Meg! Thank you so much for your reply :) I’m going to start journaling! I also went and painted my fridge with chalkboard paint, so now I have a place to scribble my inspirations, dreams and ideas! I’m taking slow but steady steps to feeling healed... thank you :)
KimmieFHReach your goals through positive connections
799
10/06/20 at 3:26PM UTC
To start I agree with Gretchen, feelings from a 4-year relationship took a log time to build, they won't break that quickly. Especially if it was confusing as you mentioned. Don't worry that you aren't "on track". There's no wrong way to feel.
If you have access, I would suggest talking to a counselor. I know to some that may sound extreme, but they are incredibly helpful when processing emotions and getting out of cycles. You might not have experienced severe trauma, but it sounds like something that was a big part of your life ended without a lot of answers or satisfaction and you are left to piece together what went wrong on your own. They help you find a little clarity and relief and even a little acceptance that there may be some things you'll never understand about your own life and thats ok. (Tip- if you have health benefits through your employer many include programs to support mental health. Check with your benefits/hr admin or documents.)
Other than that it is a lot of old cliches of rediscovering yourself. To add some clarity and understanding to this though.. when a relationship lasts through a formative time in your life, the end of that relationship means much more than not spending time with that person anymore. You developed part of your identity with that person and you are now mourning the loss of that identity and that part of you as well as the time invested. That is normal and healthy. Let yourself mourn but remember that the relationship and your identity are separate and that there are positives to this. From that relationship, wonderful or terrible, you have learned a lot. Things you like, things you cannot accept from others, strength you may not have known you have or strength you would like to build. After you allow yourself to mourn it's time for "Thank you, next". Find an appreciation for that part of your life and look forward to how it will inform your future. It won't all be fun and some sad days may come out of nowhere but one day you will hear their name and suddenly realize you hadn't thought about them in a little while!
Bunny RenderCustomer Resolution Officer
30
10/06/20 at 9:56PM UTC
Thank you so much Kimmie... reading this was so inspiring. I think seeking a councillor is a great idea... I think it’ll really help me :)
Jill Sylvester
12
10/06/20 at 3:25PM UTC
This hurts. At this point, because this exercise helps with deeper level of understanding, I would advise you to ask your dreams. Write down the question on a journal before you go to sleep- such as, what did I need to learn from this relationship? What do I need to know now? What was the point? Whatever question makes sense to you and resonates best. In the morning when you first rise- don't wait, cause you think you might remember and you likely won't- write down anything you recall from your dreams. Try this for three nights. Why it's so helpful is because our dreams allow us access to a deeper level of wisdom than we might be able to reflect or meditate on during the day. When we receive this type of information it usually accompanies a feeling of oh.... and you might just emerge feeling a bit stronger. Can 't promise this will be your experience but it has worked for my clients and it continues to work for me.
Bunny RenderCustomer Resolution Officer
30
10/06/20 at 9:54PM UTC
Wow this is amazing! I have extremely vivid dreams constantly, and usually are about my ex. I’ll start journaling them! I’ve also started meditating! Thank you Jill :)
Melissa NobileHandbell Choir Director
1.05k
10/06/20 at 2:43PM UTC
Take some time and focus on you. Do what you want to do. Get comfortable with being with just you. Extracting the you from an us or a we takes time.
Just be yourself. Take the time you need. The right person will come along. Until then, have fun!
Gretchen SkalkaCareer and Leadership Development Coach
888
10/06/20 at 2:34PM UTC
{{{{ BUNNY }}}}
Big virtual hugs for you!!
The feelings that come with and from a 4-year relationship likely aren't feelings that will dissipate in 4 months - especially if the messy ending means you didn't get proper closure for yourself.
Right now, you're likely at your most vulnerable - so be kind to yourself. It's ok to feel the full spectrum of emotions you're feeling - and you need to do that to give yourself that buffer of time to work through things IN your own time.
I think loving and accepting yourself more in these circumstances is probably the most important thing you can do. It reaffirms to you that you deserve great relationships. It empowers you to invest in yourself, which can greatly improve confidence that's likely been rocked by the break up. It also gives you the courage to look into the situation and find whatever lessons are there to be learned - because every situation (even and often especially the hardest ones) are opportunities for personal growth.
I hope something in there might be helpful for you. It's not a list of things 1, 2, 3 to do because everyone is different and no such list can possibly cover the multitude of things you're feeling.
The core, the foundation of all great relationships has got to start with your ability to love yourself, forgive everyone, invest in yourself and be kind to yourself.
After all, we can't expect anyone in our lives to treat us any better than we treat ourselves.
<3 ^5
Bunny RenderCustomer Resolution Officer
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10/06/20 at 9:53PM UTC
Thank you so much Gretchen! This is great advice... working on meditation and loving myself! Thank you :)
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