What is happening to my feminist brain???

Question

Like everyone, I'm working from home- seeing psychotherapy clients all day, 4 days a week. My husband is still working too, but he works an essential job, so he's gone 4-5 days a week. SUDDENLY I feel as though I'm a 1950's housewife. I am trying to cook meals, keep the house straight, feed the animals... do everything before he comes home. I know it's the stress of being home- but I'm very surprised at how pervasive it is! Anyone else feel the need to be Suzy Homemaker right now?

Susan L H Smith · Answer

I don't see this as an issue of 'losing our feminist brain' or becoming 'Suzy Homemaker' but merely a way of coping.  Routines, however mundane they appear, keep us grounded and in control, provide us with a rhythm to life.

A couple of questions to ask yourself: 1) am I getting joy out of cooking, cleaning, etc.?  2)If not, why the hell am I doing this?  :)

Anonymous · Answer

There's nothing wrong with wanting to do things around the house. It's NOT feminist to think there is something wrong with wanting to. It's okay to enjoy things you think you aren't supposed to, even temporarily. Feminism to me means being thought of as an equal no matter if I decide to be a homemaker or an exotic dancer or both. I don't think of homemakers of any gender as less.
My other thought is that we all need to do things we don't usually do during theses times. A lot of us are lucky in that we are complaining about very first world problems. Whenever we think we have it rough, we should make a donation instead.

Caitlin Gearhart · Answer

I find that keeping the house clean makes me feel like things are 'right' and cooking and baking new things is a way to have some fun at home. It's strangely comforting and keeps me away from so much news.

StaceySimmons · Answer

What an awesome group discussion! You are the bomb FGB community!  To respond to some of the questions, my daughter is on her own, so no kids to tend to. I think the thing that bothers me about this is not the 'doing' but the feeling of OBLIGATION to do it. I can feel that thing my mom used to talk about when I was a kid. If she knew it was in the time frame when my dad might come home she got really anxious and made sure to look busy, and demonstrate that the house had not been neglected. It's not so much the routine, or even the chores themselves that bother me, but the implication that it should be on ME to do them, and BEFORE my very pro-woman husband gets home (despite the fact that he doesn't care, and by all measures has just been insanely grateful for cooked food and clean dishes.)

Laura McCann · Answer

I have been cooking up a storm as well.  It is exhausting!  I love cooking but this 2 meals a day thing is crazy!  We normally have a cleaning person come every 2 weeks and we've stopped that.  She can't come back soon enough!!

Yi-Hsian Godfrey · Answer

OMG - you should have joined our conversation last week. It was on this exact topic.  We recapped and recorded our session here: https://theapiari.com/identity_and_independence/

obe · Answer

There is no mention of children but you talked about animals. I hear you and empathize. And yet I - the person whose glass is always empty  - am finding my ‘mojo’ to be captain, cook and bottle-washer of my ship. I WFH and have simplified my life to the extent that it’s beginning to feel good. My latest angst however is hearing businesses will reopen at some point which means I’ll be dealing with commuting, real people (instead of the ones who live in the tv), and the shopping malls, etc.  Don't intend to eat out yet with servers wearing masks and gloves(would rather continue at trying to beat Bobby Flay).

fawnsyawn · Answer

Hello, I just wanted to reach out because i too have been feeling this way.  Recently, I was furloughed for 5 weeks, but I have gone back to work.  My boyfriend is still at home, not working (he works as a rigger/stage manager in the music industry and all shows are post-poned until further notice, so he's on unemployment, thankfully).  It has been hard for me because I took on more of the role of the caretaker still while he was off as well.  I started feeling angry and resentful about it.  I've had to ask him for help a lot.  And not letting myself feel guilt around that, because just because you're at home doesn't mean that it should all fall on you.  I forget that sometimes simply reaching out and asking for the dishwasher to be unloaded or for the floor to be swept just so that you don't have to do it that Tuesday can be a huge weight off of your shoulders.  It's going to be a huge time of adjustment and change for all of us in our routines and schedules.  We're all dealing with all of the chaos in the best way that we know how to. Best of luck and I'm sending my love to you.  We're still feminists, just trying to make it through the chaos as best as we can while still loving our SO and ourselves.

Juli500 · Answer

Is your husband/partner pressuring you to scramble to make things look presentable before he gets home, or is this pressure coming from you? If the former, you need to have a firm discussion and set some boundaries. If the latter, do the basics and what you have time for, but refuse to do more. Be sure to get your partner to help out when he's home, and do the housecleaning together on his weekend so he doesn't get a free pass here. I work full-time and my partner is laid-off. I still clean counters and help with dishes and laundry. He tidies, cooks, and does most of the dishes. We share cleaning duties on the weekends or as time permits. What disturbs me is that if the roles were reversed here and she was working full-time, she would probably still be doing chores and cleaning/cooking when she got home, as most women do (the double shift). Why does he get a free pass just because he's working? I think you have to look to yourself. Are you enabling this? Your discomfort with this scenario is a wake-up call.

Anne Knox · Answer

I feel like it is a way to cope. Yep we have it all together here in the new normal.....

What is happening to my feminist brain???

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