Maternity leave

Question

So after years of trying and failing to get pregnant and a discouraging visit to a specialist I decided to instead focus on my career. I changed companies mid March and really enjoy my work now and my coworker. I found out I was pregnant about 3 weeks into this job and was heartbroken today to hear that I’m only allowed to be off unpaid for as long as medically necessary by my doctor. I wasn’t expecting full pay of anything and have been saving accordingly but my heart is breaking at the thought of missing the bonding time and having to leave my small daughter a few weeks after giving birth. I asked HR if it was possible to take additional time but was told no that I must return to work or lose my job. This is made extra depressing by the fact that the company that I just left in March offers 4 months full pay maternity leave. Thanks for listening and any advice is welcome.

Brianne Stanley · Answer

Congratulations! I spoke with several other mothers before I took my maternity leave with both of my children. Everyone's opinion on the process is different and you can draw support from the people who feel similarly toward you. Speak with your doctor about any emotional impact this may have on your pregnancy and be open. This is a beautiful time of growth and you will need a lot of support whether you decide to stay with the company and take medical leave, or stay home and enjoy more bonding time. Either way, you need to be at peace with your decision so you can focus on what's best for your family.

Kendra · Answer

I echo what others have said here. I wouldn't stress about missing the bonding time. It's not going to be ideal, but you will make do!

Beyond that, companies that usually have these archaic policies generally also have them elsewhere. Take a good long look at if it's a company you want to give your talents to. There are many companies out there that are more forward thinking. I always use my own stories as a barometer. If 'x' happened again with a company, how would it go? My son was in the hospital for a week as a young baby. My job at that time provided me with amazing health care so I wasn't stressed about finances, they also allowed me flexibility in my working schedule. If that happened today in my current role, I would feel much differently. That's caused me to take a look at my long term situation and evaluate if I want to stay. Obviously I'm not going to cut and run, but it's playing into how I think about my future.

Simone Betchen · Answer

I wanted to make a few points.  First off, congrats. This is fantastic news.  Second, your new company has a horrible policy.  I think everyone agrees on those two points.  I also think everyone agrees that you have to decide what your priorities are and want you can manage financially if you were to lose this job or switch.  
However, I just wanted to share my experience with you.  I went back to work at 4 weeks and 6 weeks postpartum with my two girls, much sooner than most would chose to.  They are now teens and I can assure you, we were and have been 'bonded' despite my working FT.  Even when my girls were little they were always all over me when I was home and I don't think our relationship is weakened by the fact I went to work.  When I was not at work, they got 100% of my attention.  Now, they deeply respect that I have a career and am their mother and they tell friends that with pride.  If you do chose to stay at your current job, know that it will be okay!

Melissa Nobile · Answer

Congratulations!! 
All mothers have to make difficult decisions. No matter what, your baby will know that you are the momma. If you have to go back, you do what needs doing.  As long as you are confident in and happy with  your child care provider, you’ll be just fine! 
You might do the math - figure out the real cost of you working vs staying home.  If you are spending your entire weekly salary to pay for child care, it might work better if you stay home. You might eat out a little less and shop the sale racks a whole lot more, but the payoff can be priceless. 
We made the decision that I would stay home with the children. It worked for us. I worked part time off and on when it worked with the family schedule. I did all kinds of things including working at a children’s clothing store where the discount was amazing, to working at the local library, to substituting in the schools. Some moms work while their kids are tiny and take time off when they are starting school. It depends on what works best for you. We have 2 grown children and have found that they needed me more as they got older. (It sounds counterintuitive, but that’s how it worked. It may have been because so many parents were back to work full time when the kids hit high school that I was called upon to chaperone, feed, organize, and drive for lots of activities. It seemed like I barely had time to get the laundry done and the house picked up for those 6 years.)
 All that to say, be flexible and open to change. Do what is best for you and yours.

Paula · Answer

Can your husband help you? I know it sucks relying on men when you’re used to be independent I’m on the same boat. Because of 11 days my mat leave wasn’t approved so although I have a year it is with half payment for 8 months and nothing after that. I was meant to return to work after 4 months but realised that my baby needs me more that my work and if I loose this one I can get another, I don’t even mind to go back to work as a chef because this months with him are so much more important than any employer or money. I know exactly how you feel, it’s not fair for any women to have to choose between family or work. But look at this as an opportunity that maybe this is not the job for you.

Erin Gargano · Answer

Congratulations on the new baby!  Such an exciting time!  I am a working mother of three, and my maternity leave was different with all 3 of my children.  My first child was in daycare starting at 8 weeks old, my second started daycare at 18 weeks, and my third is still home right now due to Coronavirus.  ;) Looking back, I can't say one was better than the other.  It was more up to me to make the most of it.  In all three cases, I was super excited to get back to work as dealing with humans and adults again (and a little personal break) was great for my sanity.  Just take your time and work hard to get & stay healthy - preventing burn out due to sleep deprivation is probably the biggest challenge.  (again, all three of my kids were so different here as well!). There is not 1 right & wrong - sense what is right for you & your family - trial, error, & adjust.  Good luck!

Katelynn Jimenez · Answer

First of all, congratulations!!! 
I had my son in January and those first couple months were an amazing and crazy blur (thanks to very little sleep/adjusting to a newborn).
Maybe you can talk to your supervisor about flex time upon your return?  Like Deborah said, this is an area that really needs improvement in our society.
Wishing you all the best in your decision and with your baby girl!

Mary Beth Ferrante · Answer

All of the advice shared so far is spot on.  You definitely need to do what's right for you and your baby.  However, I do think this could be an opportunity to educate your organization and HR team.  First, I would lead with the fact that you are thrilled to be there. That you are loving your job and that it's a great fit for your strengths and you are committed to being there long term.  You recognize that you are not covered by FMLA since you will not have been there a full year by the time the baby is born, but you also know that returning to work before you are physically and mentally ready will be problematic.  Is there anyway to agree on unpaid leave?  I know you've already had this conversation once, but coming back to them from the angle of how can we make this work, may open up more dialog.  Even talking to your manager to get their support as well.

Also remember that you can take FMLA up until your baby is one.  So even though you may not be eligible right away, you could come back to work and then take it once your eligibility kicks in.

Finally, there is extensive research about the benefit of providing paid parental leave.  Perhaps you could ask HR if they are even open to a discussion about changing their policy?  Or work with other parents or senior leaders who are parents in your organization to collectively propose changes?  I wrote this article about 18 months ago but the research is still relevant: https://www.forbes.com/sites/marybethferrante/2019/01/10/in-the-fight-for-paid-parental-leave-6-months-should-be-the-minimum/#54a681fa2073

Anonymous · Answer

The US definitely has the most unfriendly maternity leave policies among many countries. How about asking your employer if work from home is an option for you? I got only 6 weeks of paid maternity leave from my employer however when I returned to work I worked from home for a while. The schedule was absolutely crazy but I think it was totally worth it since I was able to move things around to make it work.

Katie Malone · Answer

I was in this position with my second child. What is the actual leave policy? Ours was short-term disability for 6 weeks fully paid and then I had to drain my PTO because I wasn't eligible for FMLA (I joined the co. I'm at now when I was 8 weeks pregnant).

Talk to your boss and see 1. if you can work something out with your PTO (can you take it all at one time and buy yourself a few weeks with baby?). OR 2. if you can come back to work PT and work from home for the first few weeks (my guess is they will be very flexible there because we're still in a pandemic).

Lastly, talk to your doctor. Given the fact that we ARE in a pandemic, what can be worked out to allow you the flexibility you need to return to work when you and baby feel ready. I know I had a c-section with my second and if I had to return after the allotted time (6 weeks), I would have been stumbling in with ice packs.

Best of luck to you! You can take control. ;-)

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