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Anonymous

08/05/20 at 9:06PM UTC

Diversity & Inclusion

Responding to an offensive comment at work?

Help? I'm in a predicament! My colleague said something that immediately made me feel uncomfortable. He thinks he’s just being funny, but the comment was inappropriate — maybe even offensive and/or sexist. FGB Community, curious on your thoughts here! What would you say or do if you find yourself in this situation?

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Anonymous

08/12/20 at 11:34PM UTC

While I agree with many comments above about documenting, I like to call people out on their bad behavior. I will say something to the effect of, "Can you help me understand what you mean by that comment." If it's particularly onerous I will even go as far as to say, "I don't think (fill in the blank: sexist, racist, narrow-minded) comments like that are funny and I don't want to hear them."

Anonymous

08/12/20 at 10:41PM UTC

It's great to see so many "document, document, document" suggestions. I have used the "will you explain it to me" in the past as well. They will either look stupid trying to or realize you don't think it's funny and aren't going to play along with that crap. I would be careful over the next few interactions you have with this person after you talk to them about it, I've had issues with retaliation when I won't play along with the game but I would much rather deal with the fallout from reporting/confronting the person than spend the rest of my days with them being subject to inappropriate comments.

Nancy C

204

Talent Partner | Collaborator | DEI Champion

08/12/20 at 5:30PM UTC

If he was laughing/"joking," something I've found to be effective is to say back, "I don't get the joke, can you explain it to me?" It's an easy, neutral way to diffuse the situation (especially with a peer). He'll look really silly trying to explain the "joke" and will hopefully realize that it wasn't appropriate in the first place.

Karisa Karmali

2.13k

Founder of Self-Love and Fitness

08/11/20 at 9:09PM UTC

Can you as this person "interesting, when you made comment X on this date, what did it mean", ask for explanations if you can... Definitely keep records.

Melissa Nobile

1.05k

Handbell Choir Director

08/06/20 at 5:36PM UTC

I have found that it is easier to deal with the issue when it happens. Most people who think they are funny have no idea that they aren’t unless you call them on it right then and there. A simple, “why would you say that? or you know that’s not funny, right? or that sort of talk makes me uncomfortable...” can cure a lot of issues. If you wait, you’re allowing something (that could be a simple misunderstanding) to fester... and then you get more upset and complain to your friends... and then they are gossiping... the whole things ends up in HR and the person who made the statement who unknowingly offended you is blindsided. If a quick statement at the moment it happens can stop the behavior, then everyone wins. I firmly believe you need to stand up for yourself. Document the situation - a blurb on your calendar, a note in your office daily diary... All that said, it may take more than one reminder - and it all still might end up at HR. But if you can go to HR and tell them what happened - with facts, not feelings - and how you handled the situation, they are better equipped to help you

Katie Kristl

137

Customer Support & Success Professional, Denver

08/06/20 at 4:48PM UTC

It doesn't hurt to document the behavior, as other posters have suggested. I would recommend speaking with him privately also. Try to avoid being accusatory or confrontational - a great way to start is to say, "Hey, I'm sure you didn't intend this but that comment you made yesterday about 'x' came off like ____." It's important to be in an open and constructive environment where people can share this kind of feedback. Some people honestly don't realize how they're being perceived and need to hear it. In this way, you're taking direct action in a constructive way.

Amanda

Diversity Program Manager/ Mom / Data Nerd

08/06/20 at 2:53AM UTC

Like many other comments before, document. If you are uncomfortable addressing him directly, you can always contact HR and you can choose to have the situation documented and typically you can request that action not be taken at this time. It's a bit of a, "heads up HR you might want to pay attention" for your HR. Personally, I like to confront behavior head on, directly, sometimes with humor. I once had a male colleague refer to me as 'little girl' in a meeting to put me in my place, and I shot back, that the 'old man, had better mind his tone' in front of our room of male colleagues. He never tested me again. It was the right move in the moment, under the circumstances, and with that specific group. Sometimes when someone says something really offensive, all you might need to do is repeat it back to them verbatim and asking if you heard them correctly in the moment and let silence fill the air. Silence and direct eye contact can do wonders to shut it down.

Anonymous

08/06/20 at 2:53AM UTC (Edited)

I would write down the incident: date, time, place and what was said. Then, I’d go back to the person who made the comment, and tell him that you found the comment inappropriate and why. Let’s assume that your colleague replies that he was just trying to be funny, as you suspect he will. Tell him that workplaces and humor are changing, and that while he might not have intended to offend, you found the comment inappropriate, and it is likely that others would, too. Conclude by telling your colleague that you enjoy talking with him, but asking him, when talking with you, to stay away from remarks that make you feel uncomfortable about (insert the reason you are offended.) Document this conversation, too. If he does it again, he’s been put on notice. Document this repeated incident, too, and bring all of your conversations to the attention of HR.

Aradhana Mudambi

Fighting for Equity in Education

08/06/20 at 2:17AM UTC

As a leader, I have been advised as follows by HR. The victim needs to first have a conversation with the perpetrator. That’s the first thing HR will ask... if you asked for him to stop. If it happens again, then you can report and expect something done about it. I agree with everyone. Document.

Miranda Fairrow

Newly Certified Project Manager

08/06/20 at 12:05AM UTC

As the two ladies above have written, document, document, document!!!! Dates, persons around, what everyone in the room was doing, (as close to) exact words said, your response, everyone else's response. Even if you do not choose to bring it to a supervisor's attention at this moment, you will have all the details that you need if you change your mind later or it happens again. All of your details will remain fresh. As Maria said above, if you are comfortable telling him that you did not appreciate the comments, do it. And then document it! Or the next time that he says something off color, if it feels right to you, go ahead and say that was inappropriate at that moment. Don't be afraid to speak up! You have a right to work in a respectful environment! Also, if you do decide to approach your supervisor or HR, make a paper trail. Email them to ask to set up an appointment. This is proof that you started the complaint.

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