A Treatise on a toxic workplace by your friendly neighborhood comedian

A treatise on a toxic workplace....I've worked in many toxic places during my career. One starts to feel as if they are doing everything wrong, when in fact, it's the narcissists that run the place that are partially at fault. Consider if you will ways to help yourself in your toxic workplace....some of these methods may seem arcane, and even torturous, however, they do work, and you will find joy in assisting your narcissist as they reflect on their own image... 1. False teeth....if you have an extra set lying around, there is nothing as joyful as a fresh cup of coffee c/w a set of false teeth lovingly placed in the bottom of the cup. Your narcissist will gulp down their coffee, lick their lips and say mm mm good…until they spy the false teeth staring back at them from the bottom of the cup. they will run to the reflecting pool and empty the contents of the cup...up from their stomach into the pool, thus spoiling their own reflection. 2. Fingers....oh fingers, what dandy little digits they are. Such an asset to have around, aren't they? When your narcissist demands that you clean their office, even though it isn't in your job description, gladly oblige them. Springtime is the best time for this, your allergies abound, and your nose runs like a faucet. The trick is simple really, blow your nose and clean your narcissist's keyboard with the same kleenex. You're giving your narcissist some of the best parts of yourself, and your narcissist will thank you for a job well done. 3. It's a walk in the park, literally. When the snow melts, and your narcissist demands you clean the rug under their desk on your hands and knees, there is no better way to say i love my narcissist than a trek through the park. Way up north where I live the first thing that pops its little head up from the snow isn’t a crocus, it’s dog poo. A little dog poo goes a long, long way, and it doesn't start to stink until it melts. While trekking through the park on your lunch break, you may encounter a dog turd or two. On this occasion, it's quite alright to help the environment and collect a sample in a plastic bag for future use. Once back in the office, that's when the fun begins.....your narcissist has asked you to sweep the rug under their desk....no problem you say, no problem at all. What you do next is more like painting than sweeping, but that's okay, your narcissist will never know the difference, such is their extreme intelligence....remember the dog droppings you collected at the park, sprinkle a few of the doggie diamonds you collected on the narcissists carpet. When they congregate in their office, with their fellow narcissists for coffee, their fellows will ask them did you get a new perfume, what's that heavenly smell? The heady scent of dog doody thawing under their desk will add a certain fragrance to the air that all the office narcissists will surely appreciate. Your narcissist will feel well loved and congratulate themselves on their perfume....and only you know it's not made of ambergris.