I’m a senior female engineer.

9 Comments

1. Tracey MorrisAugust 9,2022 at 6:44PM UTC

   The first step should always be a direct conversation with your manager. I do not recommend going up the chain of command until you have addressed your concerns with the person. Once you have done that, if you see no improvement, then I would suggest going to his manager.

2. AnonymousAugust 9,2022 at 7:08PM UTC

   Thanks

3. AnonymousAugust 9,2022 at 7:57PM UTC

   Tracey has some great advice.

   A couple other things to add is to ask yourself does your manager talk to everyone the same way, or are they talking differently to you? If there is someone else in the office that you trust, maybe ask them to pay attention to the way you're being talked to vs others and see if that is something they are noticing as well.

   If your manager is talking to everyone the same and treating everyone the same, then you need to ask yourself what is causing you to react this way when they are talking to you.

   Note: I am not saying that they aren't doing anything wrong, more if you aren't being singled out, they might not intentionally be trying to hurt you (unless they are a jerk). In this type of situation (assuming not a jerk), it's just as important to understand why it is hurting you as it is to tell them that they are hurting you.

   Hope this helps a bit. Good luck! :)

4. AnonymousAugust 9,2022 at 10:04PM UTC

   Yes, this helps. Thanks!

5. Betsy HondAugust 9,2022 at 9:00PM UTC

   o boy, i've been in the situation before being on a team with a guy who made people who annoyed him Projects- he went out of his way to be as mean as possible. reports to the manager didn't help, he intimidated her too.

   i suggest you gather evidence- keep copies of chats, emails, make sure there's always at least one other person in all voice meetings with him; and then go to your manager and request that YOUR manager deal with it. if you don't trust your manager to be helpful, then cc HR. PAPER TRAIL EVERYTHING.

   if this doesn't get you relief, then i'd be thinking that this is a company that doesn't value you, and i'd start looking elsewhere. actually start that search as you begin dealing with this, everything you do will empower you further. good luck!

6. AnonymousAugust 9,2022 at 10:49PM UTC

   It would help to better understand
   1) How is your mgr communicating to you, examples for context?
   2) How long has this been going on?
   3) Does this seem targetted or does your mgr speak this way to mostly everyone (suboordinate)

   1) The examples matter because either your manager has a toxic mouth and doesnt care or maybe he is just a poor communicator and does not know how else to talk to people in a pleasant way. Or it is possible that you are hypersensitive. Or even all of the above. Regardless of the reason, irrespective of how someone communicates with you, it is always based on their insecurities and unresolved issues they never took the time to address since childhood. Take the time to journal and or talk to someone you trust to unpack, why is what this person says or do matter so much to me? Why am I internalizing it to the extent where I am taking it home and crying about it. There is some internal healing that you too need to resolve with regards to this. Even if you decided to leave and go somewhere else, you could run into the same insensitive jerk of a boss and what are you going to do then. Do the internal work to strengthen the inward part of you to become more emotionally resilient with hostile people so that it does not adversely affect you in the way it is now.

   2) If this has been going on for a long time 6mths+ and you did not set healthy boundaries from the start, it will be hard to address during a 1 on 1. You could, but if the boss is hardwired to be a jerk, and is self-centered and egotistical he may turn your words against you. You should factor that into whether or not you want to have a 1 on 1 to discuss with him.

   3) If he talks this way to almost everyone, then likely he just have a communication defect. If it seems like he is targetting you or people that look like you or from a protected civil rights class, then that does complicate things. If so and you have other colleagues in the same boat, it may be worth asking them, hey how does so an so communicate to you? Do you think he comes across harsh sometimes.

   *If you get to a place where you are daily or multiple times per week coming home from work in tears, its likely a sign that maybe it is not a place for you. Gather the courage to start looking elsewhere. Tolerate what you can to pay the bills, but channel your upset energy into planning to transition into an environment you want to be happy and thrive in. No one should stay in a place that causes them misery, whether it be a relationship, marriage, workplace, etc.

7. AnonymousAugust 10,2022 at 1:18PM UTC

   I do think you have to tell your manager you don't feel good about certain communications. I assume this is happening repetitively and with enough frequency that you can interrupt a moment next when this is happening and tell them that you think the way they are communicating is really not constructive / creating an emotional moment. Ask if they'd like to have a conversation about something deeper and if you are reading into something. There's no substitute for direct communication here, but you may need to really do it in the moment to give an example because your manager's reaction might be defensive and in case it's something like "What are you talking about?"

8. Jackie GhedineAugust 10,2022 at 2:01PM UTC

   Hi Anonymous. I can feel your emotions through the computer and I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

   We just wanted to be treated with respect. It isn't too much to ask for in the workplace. Some context may be helpful to provide you with more direct advice, however, I am happy to help and support you with a few key thoughts.

   • Remember, we cannot control how other people act, we can only control how we respond. So we want to strategize on how to respond.
   • Start writing down what he is saying so you can keep a record (for yourself). This will help you remember to formulate a future conversation.
   • Schedule a 1:1 meeting with him and be direct. Share with him a few examples of what he said and explain how what he said was interpreted. Ask him what he was trying to communicate and let him know you need to find a better way to work together.
   • The next time it happens after you discuss it with him, be direct. I would appreciate it if you would communicate with me in a constructive instead of destructive fashion.

   As a coach for women 40 plus, communication support is very common, especially when women are dealing with men who enjoy power. If you want more support, please feel free to connect with me and we can set up a 30-minute complimentary session.

9. AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 2:29AM UTC

   Thanks everyone for your comments.

   Im seeking mentorship for this at work and still thinking through the comments here.

   Its hard to find senior women at my work to talk to about this. So I really appreciate the existence of this platform for stuff like this.