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Leave your emotional baggage from your last toxic work environment behind
While speaking with a newer coworker yesterday, I wasn't surprised to hear about her negative experiences with our boss. We have a challenging boss, and the rest of us just deal with it. This person however, came from a highly toxic work environment fraught with gossip and a mean-spirited boss.
The weird antics of our boss have caused her a lot of anxiety and tears already. I felt bad. I tried to explain what I have learned about this unique personality, and how I handle her.
She was on my heart for the rest of the day. It occured to me that this is like being in a bad relationship, and then having it affect your new life. When you start a new job you want to impress and show that you are right for the job, and being led to believe there are doubts can be upsetting. Thinking that the behaviors are the same as your last experience should not be the automatic response though. Our boss is weird, but it's not so much about being awful to others, but has to do with how she perceives things and mistrusts everyone. In short, she is like that to everyone, dont take it personal. The rest of us do what needs to be done, and occasionally have to do stupid things to appease her. Unfortunately this person is her assistant, so much closer to her than we are. I offered to be a resource for her whenever she needs help, or just a listening ear.
This may not be the right environment for her if she cant learn the personality of our boss, but it seems like her past experiences have made this harder for her.
Yes, our past experiences teach us and they dont go away. I would say that not all people are the same, and to give it time to get used to people. If its still not working, then absolutely find something else.
Anonymous
07/02/20 at 1:53PM UTC (Edited)
I just left a toxic work environment and I know that I personally need to take some time to re-evaluate and heal from this experience before I am ready to take on a new position. For many of us, our work is part of our identity so constantly told that we aren't good at our jobs, criticized and told we aren't enough is more than just a blow to our egos professionally but damages our self-confidence. No one deserves to be treated that way, especially at work and nothing is more frustrating than when people tell you that it's going to make you stronger.
Here were my main takeaways from this experience...
1) You can't change anyone so either you live with it, attempt to manage up (Check out Mary Abbajay's book "Managing Up") or decide you can't accept it and leave
2) After my departure, I realized that I had spent all this time and energy trying to impress and get praise someone that I didn't even respect due to a total misalignment of values. It impacted my mental and physical health and all of the relationships around me. Coming to this conclusion really helped me let go.
3) In the process of looking for a new position with a new employer, my #1 priority is finding a company that has the same values and personal mission that I do, respects work-life balance and has a positive company culture. When I was younger, I focused so much on the next step up, increased salary and was so eager to land new jobs that I just wanted to nail my interview and spent no time interviewing the company.
I hope this is helpful to anyone who is currently or has been in a toxic work environment!
Nikki Boyd
Marketing & Recruitment Mgr in Mass.
215
07/02/20 at 6:03PM UTC
Thank you for sharing this. I have also experienced a toxic boss. I was willing to move to another state more readily than I previously had been, because I knew it was impacting my health and relationships. I took a temporary, entry level position that really helped me. I had worked in management for years, and the lack of stress was a tremendous help. I found a better job 18 months later, and by that time I had been able to move past the previous situation.
Anonymous
06/29/20 at 10:52PM UTC
Update! I am the writer of the original post. This employee was let go a few days after my conversation with her. (I had no part in that decision btw) Her behavior went beyond venting to me. She apparently spent several hours goi g from person to person complaining and feeling frustrated. There may have also been a lack in some necessary skills for the job, Im not sure. Bottom line, she let the whole situation consume her, so in the end I think this is best for both sides. I hope she finds an environment where she can thrive.
Dana FelixBenefits and Onboarding expert
25
06/29/20 at 4:56PM UTC
Your boss definitely sounds toxic and I agree with the other ladies in this thread. However, I really like that you are showing her the ropes and being her shoulder to lean on in this time. I had an incredibly toxic boss at my last job who was just an all around bully. I was lucky enough to have a coworker to speak with about it who felt my pain. Even though my boss ended up letting me go, the situation was a blessing in disguise. I realized I need to look for signs during the hiring process for toxicity and leave a position if it's not the right fit in order to save my mental health.
Anonymous
06/25/20 at 2:06PM UTC
As someone who has worked in multiple toxic work environments. I found that over the years I yearned to be able to talk with a trusted co-worker in the sense of "do you see what I just saw" to help process if I was being too sensitive because of prior experience. What I was looking for was a mentor (before mentor was a common thing). As you have stated that she was on your heart and have offered to be her listening ear, might I suggest taking her to lunch and telling her that you understand what she is going through and would like to be her mentor at the company. The most important thing is to listen to her - those of us who have survived toxic work environments often have PTSD and are adrift when starting over somewhere else. While you should not be in the position of being her counselor, being a mentor to coach her on company culture would be incredibly helpful. However, it is important to set parameters and expectations - especially when it comes to your work time and emotional bandwidth.
Mandy TroutenEverything at www.mariese-skincare.com
765
06/25/20 at 1:58PM UTC
I appreciate that you're concerned about this woman's well-being and are willing to be there as a means of support; but, it also sounds like you're in denial about how things are. A manager who is "challenging" because she "mistrusts everyone" and whose problems lead to everyone having to "do stupid things to appease her" needs personal and professional counseling. She's toxic, pure and simple. Your new coworker is already coming from a toxic environment. Certainly, it seems like her previous boss is more advanced in terms of toxicity; but, toxicity is toxicity. Abusive relationships aren't always overtly mean. Often, they're "just" manipulative, distrustful, and unwilling to consider the well-being of others. It being "just the way they are" is not a valid excuse in any situation.
I could understand if the manager were an all-around nice person with high standards who has a b**ch of a supervisor constantly criticizing everything and breathing down her neck. I've had a job like that. With her, it really wasn't personal. The difference is that she *tried* to treat others with respect. She recognized us as people with skills. Trust was not her issue. Her issue was constantly being on edge b/c of the aforementioned supervisor, who was also the managing partner. Even so, I never had to do anything stupid to appease her and we only ever got into it once. It was a fast food restaurant and someone upfront decided to make an order without asking me about the special request note on the screen. In her haste, the manager assumed that I hadn't put the note there and ripped into me in the middle of the kitchen--right as I was coming up to explain the note. As soon as she stopped yelling, accusing me of not doing my job right, wasting time/materials, etc. etc., I yelled right back. I told her that I had put the note on the order and that, if the people upfront bothered to read the screen, they would have known that. She took a second look at the order and apologized. Then, she lit into them--albeit much less loudly b/c it was on front counter and she was embarrassed. Most of the time, she and I got along beautifully--precisely b/c treating people badly was not "just who she was." It was who her supervisor was and that tends to trickle down. Last I heard, that manager quit.
From your description, your manager's motives may be different--as motives vary among all abusers--but it's toxic nonetheless, possibly worse so for her as this manager's personal assistant. Practically-speaking, it doesn't matter whether or not her methods are the same. Whether you kill a person with a gun or with a knife, they are equally dead. Likewise, whatever method an abuser chooses, it is still abuse and it is still damaging to others.
Anonymous
06/25/20 at 1:51PM UTC
This happened to me once. I'm still resolving it personally with the emotional scars it left.
Dana FelixBenefits and Onboarding expert
25
06/29/20 at 4:51PM UTC
I feel you. I'm still dealing with the emotional scars from my last boss, too. It's so unfortunate but now I know what signs to look for now that I'm interviewing for a new job.
Madam anon663Learner, skeptic, direct.
1.5k
06/25/20 at 1:13PM UTC
I feel so sorry for her, she jumped out of the fire and into the frying pan. Toxic bosses are not "just who they are" they are toxic! Period! Making excuses for your boss to this new soul is the absolute worst way to help her. It's too bad those of you who "just deal with it" don't have the courage to band together and ask for change, you are not helping at all.
Anonymous
06/25/20 at 2:36PM UTC (Edited)
I see your point. My husband tells me often to look for another job. My boss is the CEO and we have undergone corporate training with a consultant to help our team, but ultimately she is the worst. I have a lot of autonomy and am able to function well, when she is involved minimally. At times she wants certain things done that I dont agree is the right direction. She is my boss, so I must do them. I just roll my eyes and proceed. You have to deal with a variety of personalities. Just because I think she is inept, doesnt mean Im ready to leave a great company. When I get to the point that I have had enough, I will leave. Im just not there yet.
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