But what do I need help with?

Question

Overall at work, I'm a rockstar.  I'll plug along having many months of successes and then seemingly out of nowhere my manager will have conversations with me where he says that I need to work on my behavior which seem to come out of the blue and usually come after I've gotten glowing feedback for long periods of time. Each time, I've asked if he could be specific what it was about my behavior that needed to be worked on so I could improve it, and I never get anything specific, almost like I should know what it is, except that nothing obvious comes to my mind. I work well with my colleagues, I work well with external stakeholders, I work well with our clients, and as far as I can tell, I work well with my boss. For example, last week he told me that he wanted to position me as a thought-leader for the space in which we work and that he wanted me to take a more public facing role in the organization. Of course, I was thrilled and I felt great about getting that kind of recognition. Yesterday in discussion about a project that I'm working on, he said 'I keep trying to help you but you keep going around in circles', but again, I'm not sure what he's talking about.

Anonymous · Answer

To be frank, it sounds like your boss doesn't like you. Sometimes situations like this are simply a culture / personality clash and nothing more. In fact, the more you try to fix the situation, the more likely you are to exacerbate it. Better to leave it alone, get a recommendation letter and move on to a company where you feel more valued.

Anonymous · Answer

In addition to the thoughts above, your boss may be gas-lighting you. It may or may not be on purpose. I went through this situation during a period where I had worked for a company for several years and had been  promoted with great reviews. Feedback, both cross-functionally and from my boss was good - obviously occasional things to work on, but nothing negative. Out of the blue my boss began having conversations such as yours with me.  I thought I was crazy. I attempted to solicit specific feedback to no avail.

Long story short, the company was going sideways and my boss was on edge about everything and must have been taking out his anxieties on me.  I left the company as I didn't feel valued and the company closed its doors a month later.

Your boss could be projecting something in himself onto you without even knowing it. Or maybe his wife at home is talking in circles and making him crazy and he's projecting THAT onto you. Or maybe he feels threatened.  These are all possibilities my therapist told me at the time with my situation. Turns out the company was bankrupt and while I was striving for details and perfection, he was striving to keep the doors open.

It may not be you. And if it's driving you crazy, you may be healthier in another environment. You know what they say- people don't leave jobs, they leave managers!

Gail Renfrow, PMP · Answer

It is vital that you clarify this for everyone.  As a previous poster mentioned, ask peers/clients/coworkers for feedback on what you could improve on.  Then take this back to your manager and ask if any of that is what he is referring to.

If that doesn't work, share this article with him and let him know that you 'can take the hit' of whatever feedback he feels you need to hear.

https://hbr.org/2016/04/research-vague-feedback-is-holding-women-back

Let him know that you need specific examples and that - if he cannot think of any right now - it is important to you that he send you feedback in the future as soon as the offending behavior occurs.

Keep up your documenting and your rock-star work ethic.  And good luck!

FGB user · Answer

That is very vague, is it an option to schedule a meeting and ask face to face or over Zoom if you work from home. Say that you admire their work and leadership and want to learn and grow.

FGB user · Answer

Who is drowning in written comms, you or them?

Do all that you can to not feel powerless, nothing wrong with a low-key search, not saying leave, but do what you can to stay in control. Do not be at anyone's mercy especially someone who lacks the skill and professionalism to be clear and direct as to what the 'issues' are. You are amazing and you will get through it.

I am assuming you have asked for meetings with this person?

Does this person behave this way with others on the team or is it only you?

FGB user · Answer

This sounds off on so many levels... ask for specific examples. If this manager wants to play this game, ask for examples - you should only exit when you are ready.

Amy Fortney · Answer

It sounds like you have tons to offer and much potential!

Thought leadership is about being authoritative and influential, but knowledge and good communication skills aren't the same thing. From my perspective, he's giving you criticism on communication so you CAN be a thought leader.  Sometimes we get nervous when presenting our ideas. As others have stated, ask him for examples and how to state things more effectively. Personally, I see things at a high level and can capture a lot of detail at the same time. That means that I'm usually perceived as a high performer, but I CAN sometimes feed too much information. Others can be put off by a stronger personality and blunt speech. Depending on his answer, consider joining a Toastmasters group. I don't care how adept anyone believes they are at a job or how high they rise, everyone can benefit from more focus on communication skills.

Behavior is a different conversation. What are your relationships with your coworkers like? Do you always come off as if you are the smartest person? Do you make others feel like their contributions aren't as valuable? Sometimes that can be subtle things. Being a rockstar is one thing. Being humble and considering what others have to say is another. Thought Leaders are smart and know a lot, but they are also usually humble in their delivery, considering that there is more to learn. Thought leaders are good listeners, first.

Your manager's message seems to be about the quality and style of communication. Ask for specifics so you can adjust. Find some other thought leaders out in the world (so many!) and emulate the ones you like best. See how that helps at work.

Emma Cowling · Answer

It sounds like he's seeing something, but isn't clear on how to communicate it to you. It also sounds like he genuinely wants to help. I guess the question is whether you want to know and are open to listening and finding out. 
If you do, maybe set up a meeting and approach what he has to say with curiousity and interest. This could draw out something useful for you. Be clear with him that you're aware he's trying to give you feedback and that you aren't getting it yet - but that you want to. 
I've been there with someone I managed - I could see something that they weren't doing that could really expand their recognition, but what I was talking about them was outside of their world (in the blind spot of their Johari window). They got quite defensive about it at the time and in the end I think I gave up. Frustrating as they had so much potential and it wasn't anything huge either. 
Seeing that he has good intentions, that we all have blind spots and not to take it as criticism, but to see it as a chance to grow can really help.

Anonymous · Answer

Jennifer, thank you for the suggestion, I think I'll try that. Hopefully, if I reframe the question that way, I'll get more of the actionable feedback that I'm looking for.

But what do I need help with?

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