How to break the cycle of going from one toxic environment to another.

Anonymous

October 12,2021 at 2:12AM UTC

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

How to break the cycle of going from one toxic environment to another.

Hi all, I have a resume that shows I was in one place for 2 years, another for 1.5 years, another for 2.5, etc. The reason I have resigned every time is a toxic environment. I worked at an organization where colleagues used abusive language to talk about and to one another, a place where I was bullied for accommodations I needed for my disability, and another where topics that violated my boundaries and were highly inappropriate we brought up during a performance evaluation, among other things.

I'm now in an environment where my supervisor (who is also the head of the organization) is gaslighting me when I voice their impact on me, assigns duties to me and then circumvents the process I create which causes unnecessary work for me and others, commits our team to things we don't have the resources or capacity to complete and consistently doesn't deliver at the level we promised our clients. When approached about these issues, they don't acknowledge their impact but turn it around on whoever brought it up and criticize them by leveling inaccurate accusations.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection to try to figure out why I keep choosing highly dysfunctional organizations and I wanted to reach out to this group to see if you all have advice or experience that might help me in making a shift.

I'm also wondering if my expectations of a workplace are unrealistic. I want to do work I care about in an environment where I am respected. I feel like that's not a ridiculously high bar, but would like to know if I need a reality check. Thank you for any advice, recommendations or experiences you are comfortable sharing.

Why women love us:

Daily articles on career topics
Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
Advice and support from an authentic community
Events that help you level up in your career
Free membership, always

14 comments

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

14 Comments

Join the conversation

FGB userOctober 12,2021 at 2:38AM UTC
I have been through similar things, and your expectations are not unrealistic. I have come to conclude the toxic environments are the norm. I feel like asking better questions are an interview could help, but we can't always prevent walking into a trap, I think the best thing to do is walk away as many times as you need to, have a good reason for leaving, and keep looking. And start a side hustle if you can so that you don't have to rely fully on them for your income.
AnonymousOctober 12,2021 at 1:02PM UTC
Research the job prior or define what "toxic" is in REALITY
I love my work, but I do work with a toxic person THEY ARE EVERYWHERE
The last thing I'll do is quit. This girl knows everything, everyone, and loves starting drama. I ignore her, stay away, and let my accomplishments speak for themselves.
I'm not running to HR, I'm not complaining to my boss. I'm not calling in.
I'm not saying you are doing these things- I'd just define what toxic really means
Amy GeffenOctober 12,2021 at 5:18PM UTC
If it is really toxic you need to start looking for another job. During the interview proess you need to assess the pros and cons of working in the new environment. Talk to as many other employees inthe company before you accept a position. Try to find out the "inside scoop." Then you won't be blindsided once you start.
Brianna KingOctober 12,2021 at 5:44PM UTC
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry! I have been there and it's difficult. It's the biggest reason I left the hospitality industry after multiple awful experiences.
I think you could really benefit from coaching around this issue...focusing on your game plan going forward and taking back the power that you do have. You have identified that this work environment is toxic, now you need to figure out what it looks like for you to be in a non-toxic environment. Then you can look at the steps it would take you to get there. These are big questions so that's where the coaching comes in and it doesn't just have to be career coaching. I offer a free 30-minute coaching call to see if we're a fit. Please message me if you're interested. :-)
Robyn McCabria KelsoOctober 12,2021 at 5:46PM UTC
At least you recognize a potential issue. I didn't realize I was IN a toxic situation until I left for a different job. I was gobsmacked.
Agree with below - define toxic and then break it down - is it the climate or just one or two people (yes, I know one-two people can influence climate ).
KelliOctober 12,2021 at 6:32PM UTC
Good for you to realize there is likely a pattern that you can break here. It's probably not surface-level but probably goes back to these work environments being your "default". It's what you know to be the norm (even though it's not). It's about taking a look at the command denominator between each of them and figuring out how to avoid that in the future. Happy to help if you need some help working through it.
AnonymousOctober 12,2021 at 7:06PM UTC
I’ve dealt with this too. I’ve worked for 4 different organizations with very similar bosses/structure and get burned out quickly, typically being there for a year to 14 months. In the case with my last job, my boss had quite a bit of power and decided to fire me out of the blue without much of a paper trail. It’s hard, but if you are not already, I suggest going to therapy. Surprisingly, I found that I pick these organizations not based on professional reasons, but personal reasons. There will always be people like this, and you have to learn to avoid them. Happy to talk on a more personal level as well!!
AnonymousOctober 12,2021 at 9:28PM UTC
Patterns are personal choices so you'll need to speak with a therapist to get to the bottom of why you are choosing these environments or people. Finding out what draws you to them will help you avoid them.
MonicaOctober 12,2021 at 11:41PM UTC
Sometimes our expectations can get in the way. There will be something in every work environment that we don't like. One has to determine which of those things we can live with or work past, and those we can't. Don't be hard on yourself - at least you are doing a self assessment before making a decision. Hopefully you will find an environment that is a fit for you.
Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistOctober 13,2021 at 2:13AM UTC
I would suggest you go back and examine your interview process for these last couple of positions. Not your interviewing WITH them - your interviewing OF them.
What kinds of questions did you ask about culture, management style, how they deliver feedback, etc. Knowing what you know now about those companies, what would you/should you have asked that you didn't that would have helped you maybe make better choices?
AnonymousOctober 13,2021 at 12:40PM UTC
It could be the field you've chosen. I have no words of encouragement, but I feel your pain. I hope you can find a better alternative.
AnonymousOctober 13,2021 at 1:47PM UTC
You're definitely describing a pattern, and you're wondering if it's you. Good for you for considering all angles. That's something you can easily explore with the help of a trained professional, as others have suggested. From personal experience, I highly recommend finding someone to explore what might be going on with your choice of employer and how to break the cycle. Then you'll know what your next steps should be. This is a fixable issue!
Valerie EdenOctober 13,2021 at 2:19PM UTC
I agree with everyone who has commented before me, and I want to congratulate you on the open-minded, brave journey to recognize your patterns. I'll add that it's hard to get healthy in a toxic environment so acknowledge where you can change, but also that you're limited unless others are also willing to hear you and change their impact as well.
AnonymousOctober 13,2021 at 7:23PM UTC
Thank you all so much for the wealth of knowledge and experience you have shared with me as well as the encouragement! I'm currently working with a coach to help identify questions that I can ask and try to be more aware and in tune with the responses that I get in the interview process. It's so encouraging to know that I'm not alone and I'm very grateful for everyone of you who responded to my post!