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Anonymous
12/26/19 at 10:08PM UTC
in
Lifestyle & Relationships

Asked to Borrow Money

I was recently asked to borrow $2,800 by someone I used to be friends with. She and I just started talking about 6 months ago. I've known her for 27 years, and I thought we were friends. There were many scenarios that happened over the past 10 years that made me rethink our friendship and decide that she's really not the type of person I want to hang around. There were several smaller offenses that I ignored or chalked up to it being bad timing and what not. The final straw for me was when my mom suddenly passed 3 yrs ago, and she called to "check on me," but started to immediately complain about her job and how all of her co-workers were jealous of her. In my time of need, she wasn't dependable and was nowhere to be found. And when I did hear from her, she only talked about herself. So I slowly stopped calling, and missed a phone call or two and that was the end of it. I heard from mutual friends that she was upset w/ me and felt that I wasn't there for her when she was going through a crisis-breaking up w/ her then boyfriend and how I was selfish because I was acting like I was the only person hurting or dealing w/ a crisis. I had tried to reach out to her to discuss the issue, but she wouldn't answer or call me back. I gave up because between my mom passing, her asking me to borrow money 5 days before my wedding, and all the drama she caused at my wedding between herself and the other bridesmaids, I had had enough. So 6 mos. ago, I heard her grandmother had passed. I reached out to her to offer my condolences. We then ran into each other at church (she moved away years ago and lives in another state) over the summer, and at a mutual friend's BBQ and she was super talkative and acted like nothing had ever happened. Since then she's been reaching out more. So today she texted me and the conversation was pretty normal; how are you? How was your holiday? She tells me she's flying out tomorrow to go see her boyfriend who lives in another state. Then an hr later, I get a very long text message and she asks me if I can loan her $3,500 and that she'll pay me back over the next 6-12 months and make monthly payments. She stated that it's an emergency and she's knows it's a lot considering all we've been through. My initial reaction is no and my gut says no. It has nothing to do w/ what we've been through, but lending money doesn't make for a friendship in my opinion and I'm not a bank. I don't have $3,500 that I can give away because when you lend money, you have to be prepared to not receive any of it back. Now if I'm going off of past history, in our 20s, I lended her $1,500 over the course of a year or two, and never received a dime back. When I was down on my luck and out of work, she never offered any assistance or attempted to pay me back. So our past interactions make me want to say absolutely not. I think I'm so uncomfortable w/ the request because of our relationship now. I don't consider her a friend, and don't feel obligated to stick my neck out. I'm also uncomfortable because she asked me via text message. I know we're in the age of texting and DM'ing each other, but I don't feel that it's appropriate given the nature of what she's asking. If it's such an emergency, pick up the phone and call. Not sure how to handle this situation. And it's a little fragile/delicate given our broken relationship.

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Anonymous
01/07/20 at 6:07PM UTC
I would offer to pay for a class on money management for her. While $3500 and even $2800 may seem like a lot of money to many people, in truth more than that should be saved in an emergency fund for emergencies. I know so many people are living paycheck-to-paycheck, and what is going to get them out of that cycle is financial education and accountability- borrowing money is not going to help one bit.
Anonymous
01/06/20 at 10:09PM UTC
I agree with everyone above, trust your gut and say no!
bfazi216
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81
Strategic Merchant
01/04/20 at 3:59PM UTC
“Loaning” money to friends or family can be a very delicate situation. Over time, the relationship can be compromised, become awkward & can have a damaging effect IF each party has a different expectation. Personally I never “loan” money for these exact reasons. I will however, “give” money IF possible with no expectation of being repaid. No expectation, no issue & no disappointment! If history has proven this to not be a good idea, then don’t! Listen to your gut. You’re not an ATM machine.
Corrine Taylor-Chin
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108
Writer & Web Production Professional
01/02/20 at 3PM UTC
Definitely a big NO on this, especially for "someone I used to be friends with. " Trust your gut and your experience with her when it comes to $. And I agree, if it's such an emergency, picking up the phone is the least she could do. Also, the very fact that she has $ to fly out to see her boyfriend...unless he's the emergency, she's already wasting money there. Keep your hard earned cash and decline to help. Offer your help in any other way possible, if you want her to know that you're there for her. But, since this doesn't appear to be the friendship that it was...i'm not sure you need to even put in that effort? I often ask myself, when making a decision, what would you feel worse about doing -- loaning her the money or telling her you're unable to help? If you do decide to loan her the cash, do so with the mindset that you'll never get it back. Otherwise you'll beat yourself up about the decision when a year rolls by and you're still out of the money.
Chandra Gupta
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98
P vs NP solver, Scientist, Software Engineer
12/30/19 at 8:14PM UTC
This has happened to me with the simple difference that a good and close friend asked me for money right after I had gotten married. So it was quite easy to say no as we were starting out and needed to plan out our finances and expenditure itself so loaning while in debt was out of the question. In general, I would separate out the money aspect of - any relationship - from friendship and relationship. Be clear that you like a person and the relationship is important and be equally clear that you should not be approached for money because that's your perspective of relationships - money is a troublemaker in your view of relationships. See how that goes; hopefully it will clear the path for a clearer and firmer basis for friendship and relationship.
Doxygal2
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31
12/30/19 at 6:17PM UTC
This is not a friend this is a toxic narcissist user —she has shown you who she is /you sound like a very nice ,kind ,understanding person And someone who would be a nice friend -unfortunately people like her just view you as someone to use-she has shown you that she has taken money from you and not paid you back now she has asked you for an even larger sum-you need to cut her out of your life and don’t look back and whatever you do do not lend her any money
Kimberly Mc
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613
IT Engineering Manager, DoD
12/30/19 at 4:55PM UTC
Please do NOT "lend" her this money. Unfortunately, all of her buddying up to you that she has done recently is probably because she remembers you as an easy "mark". This person sounds like a narcissist, and will only take take take - for as long as you're willing to give - whether it be time, money, friendship, whatever. She is only interested in what the relationship can "do" for her. not in having a normal symbiotic friendship. If all else fails, Just say no, because you're still waiting for her to pay back the money you lent her in XXX year.and she's proven to you more than once that she can't be trusted to pay back a loan.
Lisa Leslie Hefter
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226
Banking professional
12/30/19 at 4:49PM UTC
Definitely no! Cut this person out of your life. She is a user and will only bring grief to you. I wouldn’t feel bad about it at all!
Kaleana
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152
Wellbeing Director @ Sequoia
12/30/19 at 4:39PM UTC
I agree with some of the comments above - I think there are so many ways to get a loan these days, that you can still help her without being the one fronting the money. If you want to help, take some time to research different loan websites or offices and offer to connect her with one that seems like it has low interest rates and will be best to help her out!
Anonymous
12/30/19 at 3:39PM UTC
Blessing in disguise that she texted instead of called because who knows how uncomfortable that conversation would of made you feel and having you regret saying no or even yes. On the plus side now you can text back. I would first offer condolences that she's going through a rough time (ease the blow.) Then explain you don't have that kind of cash to lend freely. Then lastly I would say something on the lines like "I'm sorry you are going through a tough time.It takes a lot to ask me considering what our relationship has gone through so I definitely feel for you but at this time where we stand I'm uncomfortable with you asking me for money. If you need a friend to talk to though I'm here." This way you are offering help on your terms. Then phase her out and RUN.

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