I’m in my late 30s and am pretty confident that I don’t want children.

Question

I have a group of friends that just can’t seem to be okay with this mindset. I know everyone has different reasons for not having kids (ex: lack of healthcare, maternity leave benefits and conflicting school schedules) but my reasoning has always just been because I want to focus on my career and don’t really have the desire to become a mom. I’ve overhead my mom friends call “selfish” because of this and I’m calling BS.

StillClimbing@38 · Answer

If you don't want children that doesn't make you selfish.  I am getting ready to turn 39 and in the same boat.  I have yet to hear my mythical 'biological' clock.  Some of us just don't want kids and that is fine.  When I wake up on Saturday mornings and don't have to change diapers or go to soccer practice, am I supposed to feel guilt?! Please respond to those 'mom friends' by asking them how 'selfish' it is to voluntarily bring children into an already overpopulated world and have them continue to deplete our resources.  Our society likes to guilt women who are voluntarily childless.  Men are not subjected to this.  Stick by your guns girl!  :-)

Anonymous · Answer

I was ambivalent about kids--not because of a career,but because I had taken care of my mom when she was ill, and I wasn't sure I had it in me to sign up for another caregiving role. That being said, after a short window of 'seeing what happens,' I  now have a kid, and love being a mom. But before I became a mom, I also faced some resentment from mom friends and acquaintances that they were suffering sooo much and exhausted and tired and working so hard. They would say how a person couldn't really understand selflessness until she had a kid. Not having kids meant you were only focused on yourself, and therefore, selfish. This is BS, and I never understood the logic, and as someone who was a different kind of caregiver at a time in my life, it is also hurtful.  Having a kid is wonderful if it's your thing, but lets be honest -- the world doesn't really need more kids. People have kids because they selfish, and want to experience the joys that it brings (including me!). It may result in you having to care for another human being and make sacrifices and act selflessly, but the whole package is a kind of a selfish act. (This only applies if you are privileged enough to be able to CHOOSE to have a kid -- understand that many women don't have a choice.)  So...go ahead, don't have kids, but please don't ever, ever feel guilty about that decision and desire to accomplish different things.

Anonymous · Answer

I have 3 kids and I tell people who don't that it is probably better not to have any. I love the ones I have but my original plan was not to have any. Now I am dead set on not having anymore. Enjoy your freedom and opportunity to just be who you are. You are definitely not being selfish. It is not a good idea to have a kid just because others think you should. They aren't going to be the ones raising the child. I was 25 when I got pregnant with my first child but before that I was having all the adult fun. I can still have fun but mostly family fun lol. If I were you I would ignore those naysayers and just live YOUR life how you want it!

Danielle White · Answer

Moving, getting new friends, and a job outside of universities all helped me. The university environment reinforced it so that I also got it at work (with the additional annoyance of being expected to be the one to always cover for others who had to be out but not get any compensation for the significant extra work I did each year.)

Leader362265 · Answer

If you're being selfish, so what?!  I'd far rather you do so than cave to whatever role everyone ELSE thinks you should fill and be miserable at it and have a child that will inevitably feel that lack.

Anonymous · Answer

Having kids changes EVERYTHING about your life.  It is the most self-sacrificial role I can think of (other than marriage or being a caregiver, as someone earlier posted about).  Having kids because you feel pressured to do so is a huge mistake and will impact how you feel about and parent them.  
My husband and I married later (mid-30s) and our son was born when we were in our early 40s.  So we had time to be single, and to enjoy being married before becoming parents.  That said, the change is major so you need to be honest with yourself about what you really want. And don't let the comments/desires of others influence you.  Don't worry about being perceived as selfish or whatever.  There are a million opinions out there...and you can't please everyone.  Just be true to yourself, and be confident in that truth.

Goalsetter483193 · Answer

I'm nearing my 30s and my husband and I have been pretty intent on not having kids. We enjoy our lives just the two of us, both love our work, and traveling, etc. Living in a state where it's everyone's mission to have children I've received some nasty attitudes and people trying to tell me how I'll feel about my decision later in life. To them I say, get out of my uterus. It's none of their business whether or not I have kids, nor are the reasons! I also don't understand the selfish argument? How is it selfish?

Anonymous · Answer

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BeaBoss419114 · Answer

It's a deeply personal decision on deciding whether to have children or not.   Like it or not, EVERYONE has an opinion on it.  While I am not agreeing/disagreeing with your decision, I would like to caution you that your decision may never be fully accepted by you  family/friends.  It's something to prepare yourself for that you will always have to defend your decision.   I of course have no idea what your relationship status,  please remember that it may be a deal breaker in the relationship.  It's another area that you will have to prepare yourself for.   I am simply encouraging you to know your self, know what you want but as with anything there will be consequences and to prepare yourself on how to face those consequences.  'Having kids changes EVERYTHING about your life. '-anonymous .  This really can't be emphasized enough.

Anonymous · Answer

'Selfish' is a very judgmental word but any decision when it comes to procreating should be self-interested. I.e. if you want to have kids, that's self-interested. If you don't want to have kids that's self-interested. It's just a strangely negative way of framing the issue, especially from people who you would call friends....

I’m in my late 30s and am pretty confident that I don’t want children.

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