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"Rude" emails
What are your thoughts on the following?
A cohort of mine posted on FB today that her email tone (communication) was coming across as rude.
I have heard this from time to time from people that I've worked with as feedback from their counterparts. As women, do you think we hear more of this when we're being direct as compared to our male counterparts?
Is "friendliness" a necessity?
https://www.thebalancecareers.com/communication-skills-list-2063779
Tarah KeechLife Coach, Leadership Coach, Retreats
559
07/05/19 at 8:31PM UTC
Interesting conversation. It is so tricky.
I am a recovering emoticon user and at least once a week resist the urge to insert exclamation points.
My only advice and self-observed best practice is to be consistent with everyone with whatever your friendly preferences are.
Anonymous
06/28/19 at 7:32PM UTC
Ugh. I definitely think there are gendered communication-based tropes at play here, yes. I'm often finding myself going back through emails to sub out periods with exclamation points in order to lessen my perceived bluntness before hitting send. Wish I had a better solution for this, but that's where I'm at currently!
Anonymous
06/27/19 at 9:52PM UTC
I hate when people read into "tone" of an email. It's so hard to tell, so I just try to not think too much about it.
AlisonDismantling the patriarchy - one bro at a time
684
06/27/19 at 9:42PM UTC
Unfortunately, I think this is a gender stereotype women hold women to that we don't hold men to, and that men also don't hold us to. I empathize for your cohort - she is most likely a go getter at work who prefers to communicate quickly and directly to make the most impact in getting things done. If she were a man who acted the same way, people would probably refer to him as a driver, and celebrate his open, no nonsense, and to the point communication style that showed leadership. But because she is a woman, she is now rude and has to watch her tone.
I personally have been told I have come off as short/rude/demanding when sending a brief, pointed email, IM, or Slack message to other women at work. When I had sent the same exact message to men, they just responded no problem. Women describe the issue as tone, but the caveat here is that when someone says they don't like your tone, it is important to remember that tone is open for interpretation in the written word, and the receiver often creates their own tone around the message and how it makes them feel - not how it actually reads. So it can be less about what you actually said and more about how they chose to receive it in that moment, or what else they had going on when the message came in.
Several times when a female has said that to me, I have showed the exact same message to a few male coworkers or men in my life, and they just shrugged, and said something like, "I don't know what the problem is. That's not rude, you are just direct and to the point. You are asking for an update. You are just gathering facts, so why is this upsetting in the workplace again?"
I don't know if I have an exact answer for this, but this is a double standard reality of how we engage at work, the expectations we hold women to in their communication style requiring them to be polite and more accommodating in their approach, and the level of direct communication and ownership we are uncomfortable with women portraying.
While I struggle with the reason we have to accommodate this double standard, something I have done to mitigate this situation is add the "expected niceties" to my content to buffer it.
Instead of saying what I would want to say to my female colleague, like, "Jennifer, I need an update on that new customer contract - where are we at with signature before end of quarter? What do we need to do to get this across the finish line?"
Now I say something like, "Hi Jennifer, I hope you had a nice weekend. I know you've been working hard on that new customer contract - how is it progressing? Given that time is short here at the end of the quarter, I want you to know I'm here to support you, so please feel free to engage me. From your conversations with the customer, what are your thoughts on a timeline for signature based on where we are now?"
It's a lot more work on the delivery side to ensure that you are buffering and meeting expectations, and I have to remind myself to do it because if I'm tired, stressed, jet-lagged, multi-tasking, etc., I could slip up to just being direct and to the point. But I will say since I've started communicating with this new way, my female counterparts have responded much more positively to my communication style, so much so that some of them have told me they've really noticed a difference in how I communicate and praised me for it. So I guess with some work, I'm living up to the stereotype of how women should communicate after all...
Good luck to all of the women struggling with this out there - I hear you!
Anonymous
06/27/19 at 7:54PM UTC
No. I hear more of this from female counterparts than male. Men do not need lengthy emails with the intent to portray "friendliness". They only need information. Women on the other hand, are different. Most women want "friendliness" and can easily misconstrue the context of an email based on their emotions. I've done this to others and have had the same done to me.
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