295
© 2022 Fairygodboss. All rights reserved.
CHOOSING NOT TO MARRY
I was recently on a press trip to Vienna (and Munich), and visited the Upper Belvedere (art museum). A theme of some of the Austrian artists and bourgeoisie at the time was to practice "connection without commitment" in their romantic relationships. Interpreted as a decision not to marry, I also choose not to do so. I'm in a long term relationship, and both of us share this belief. Yet I find even in present day New York City, that some folks (men and women alike) still react negatively to this choice. Anyone else choose not to marry and/or experience this kind of prejudice?
Daffeyo TubmanTransformational Program Executive
54
08/07/19 at 8:55PM UTC
Woohoo!! I applaud your decision.
I have the greatest respect for people, especially those who are younger adults who know that they do not want to marry (or do not want children). I am divorced, have been for 18 years and have NO INTENTION of ever getting married again (and if I could re-do the past would have not married ever, at all).
I have been with my sweetheart for 5 years and he shares my feelings on the subject (he is divorced also, 10 years).
All I can say is be your authentic self and hold to your plans/desires...do not let others' expectations define what you do. You are awesome for knowing exactly what you want and do not want and having an SO who shares the same!!
Surprisingly, I am often asked why I have no desire to ever re-marry (??). And these people often note that I should get married; I politely respond, by thanking them for their opinion, then let them know that while their opinion is appreciated, I choose to live by my own dictates and by no one else's. ??
DiamondslsNew York City Woman
12
08/07/19 at 8:14PM UTC
The goal should be happy together not marriage. If you not happy in a relationship being is not the answer. Marriage adds responsibilities to a relationship which can cause a lot of relationship not to be successful.
fletchcoach
16
08/07/19 at 5:09PM UTC
Alas, when mature women look back over their careers (especially if they've taken off time for children), or find they've earned less than men doing the same jobs so have less in pensions, savings and investment, the vista may be different. Too many mature women are discarded in later years for a "younger model", leaving them financially far worse off than the divorcing husband. Historically women married for financial security; I sincerely hope our single-by-choice commenters are socking every penny they can pinch away!
Jody PellerinYou Need Content? I Write Content!
90
08/07/19 at 4:08PM UTC
As Anonymous points out, if you are not going to get married, make sure you have all the other legal stuff worked out, like next of kin decisions, wills, powers of attorney, etc so the person you want to have those roles and abilities can do so without being pushed aside by family or lawyers.
Anonymous
08/07/19 at 2:59PM UTC
I've worked in health care, so next of kin decisions was a factor in deciding to marry my partner of 10 years. We eloped....didn't' say anything for a year. There was no huge change in our lives or crippling wedding party debt. We're four years in and just as happy with each other. Also, at ease knowing those medical portions of life can be handled by the person we trust most.
DiamondslsNew York City Woman
12
08/07/19 at 8:12PM UTC
Can you appointed the person without them being your spouse
Anonymous
08/07/19 at 2:02PM UTC
I experienced a lot of judgememt and criticism for not being married to my partner of 12 years, mostly from people who were getting married or looking to marry one day. I am African and in Africa marriage and kids are a huge deal. I had never seen a marriage that "worked" so I figured why put myself through the stress. Then one day it just felt ok to say "I do". It wasn't because of anything anyone said to me and my then boyfriend now husband did not put any pressure on me. I just got ok with it and we have now been married 4 years. No regrets on either of our parts but I still believe marriage isn't for everyone. It can be a beautiful thing but also a very ugly thing when its with the wrong couple.
[email protected]Supply Chain Professional
302
08/07/19 at 12:31PM UTC
Marissa I am also childless by choice and have dealt with the same thing. People (usually men) insist I will regret it one day. Well, at 39 years old I still don't regret it so I'm not sure what that "magical" number is! My husband and I also ADORE children but don't want or need the responsibility of having our own. This allows us to assist our close friends who have toddlers and infants and need someone to help them go to the grocery store or have a date night. Remember, it takes a village to raise a child. If you don't have children, you can be someone else's "village". Above all, remember your decision is yours and yours alone!
Jennie Vila
18
08/08/19 at 2:30PM UTC
Yes!! I love this!! I love being an auntie to all my friends’ and siblings’ kids. My husband and I agree that we do not want the responsibility of 24/7 childcare, but we love playing with them, feeding them, reading to them, even changing diapers (ok, maybe we don’t love that part), but we know how exhausted we are after just a weekend, we don’t want to feel like that all the time. Maybe someday having kids might become something we want, but for about a decade now, it has not been something we want or prioritized. We have other life goals, including being part of the village. :)
Chandra Roxanne
17
08/07/19 at 1:02PM UTC
@[email protected]: "This allows us to assist our close friends who have toddlers and infants and need someone to help them go to the grocery store or have a date night. Remember, it takes a village to raise a child. If you don't have children, you can be someone else's "village". Above all, remember your decision is yours and yours alone! " Exactly!
MarissaThePetsittaProfessional Petcare Extraordinaire
45
08/06/19 at 4:58PM UTC
I am this way with having children. I've made the decision (at age 20, I'm now 35) that I wanted to opt out of having children. Many people pressured me, also saying that I'm too young to make that decision and I would change my mind. But 15 years later and I'm still feeling the same way. I love kids! I've been a professional nanny for years and years and my first job was very child-centered. People sometimes treat me differently, as if I am not bringing as much to the table as them or that my life is "easy" because I dont have kids. Or that I will never truly experience love if I dont have a child. Please dont ever say these things if you have someone in your life who is childless! It's so rude and hurtful! I think the main takeaway is that as humans, we have free will to choose our path in life, and because of the unspoken rules of conformity, some people have a hard time digesting others' decisions that dont align with theirs.
Jennie Vila
18
08/08/19 at 2:26PM UTC
MarissaThePetsitta, I thought I was going to have kids in my early 20s because “that’s what you do,” but I’ve done a lot of work on my mental and physical health and my husband agrees that having kids is not something we want. I’ll be 35 in November, he turned 35 in January. My MIL keeps asking when we will have a baby, saying “come on, girl, you should have at least one,” in her Spanish accent. When she does that, all I can think of is talking to a little kid about trying broccoli. If I get pregnant (which I have zero desire to do) and decide I “don’t like it,” I can’t just return the baby to the baby store. A handful, literally less than 5, people we’ve talked to have supported our decision and commended us for having the insight to know ourselves well enough to not have a baby “just because that’s what you are supposed to do.”
FeministFirst, I had not thought of marriage in that way, but given how I feel about childless by choice, I can understand your perspective. I do have an aunt and uncle who never got married, they had a son, and now a grandson. That doesn’t make her any less my aunt or take away from their commitment to each other. I have always wanted to get married, but I’ve also never told anyone they have to get married because I did or “it’s the norm.” I feel more enlightened by your post and this thread, now that I’m thinking about marriage and relationships from a different perspective. Thanks for sharing and getting me thinking!
FeministFirstWriter | Storymaker | Content Creator | Mentor
295
08/06/19 at 11:08PM UTC
I am also "childless by choice"!
MarissaThePetsittaProfessional Petcare Extraordinaire
45
08/06/19 at 4:50PM UTC
We dont need a piece of paper to show commitment!
Maria RuizGraphic Designer. Calligrapher. Feminist.
168
08/06/19 at 4:51PM UTC (Edited)
Sorry you're experiencing this kind of prejudice. I do want to marry my partner someday, but I have many friends who have taken non-traditional paths in their lifestyle with their partner and building a family with them, and I always support them as long as they're happy. I have friends who have children and never want to marry or friends who did things kind of opposite order (kids, house, then marriage). Even though these topics have been discussed for decades it's still pretty alien to some folks who think they have a right to judge your lifestyle. I would approach these people with patience and it might get tiring but explain to them your decision not to marry. This isn't because you should defend yourself (because you don't have to), but a way to educate more and more people. I find that once you take the time to help someone understand something new, it makes for a more open mind. Of course if they're being meanies about it, just move on. They aren't worth the energy if they are not willing to try to understand.
FeministFirstWriter | Storymaker | Content Creator | Mentor
295
08/06/19 at 11:15PM UTC (Edited)
I do not feel the need to explain my decision to not get married to anyone, as much as I wouldn't expect an explanation from someone choosing to marry. I have no interest in "wedding culture" and am an atheist, surrounded by equally as progressive (often radical) friends, so I rarely get judged but when I do, I find it so narrow minded given that it is 2019 not 1919!
Maria RuizGraphic Designer. Calligrapher. Feminist.
168
08/07/19 at 12:14AM UTC
FeministFirst, I totally agree that you do not have to explain your life choices to people, especially when they are being narrow-minded and mean about it as I said in my comment. My point is just that interacting with someone not used to your lifestyle is an opportunity to engage in conversation so they can maybe learn and be open-minded with those who choose a different path than they do. You should never have to defend how you live your life, but if you think someone would be receptive to a conversation then that's a great chance to broaden their scope of how one can live their life and it can help end that judgement.
© 2022 Fairygodboss. All rights reserved.