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Is it ever ok to be GOOD friends with an ex?

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Anonymous

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I know the typical answer is NO, but I wonder if time, distance, maturity or any other factor can make friendship with an ex acceptable.

This might seem nuanced, but I'm struggling with the idea of going from being just "friendly" to being real friends with my ex - the kind of friends that don't only hang out in groups but meet up one on one and talk and support each other.

Some details:

I've been on good terms with my ex for years. We have mutual friends and common interests so we see each other at birthdays, dinners, etc. My spouse has met the ex multiple times.

Our romantic relationship was both significant and long ago. We dated throughout college. It ended 9 years ago.

It recently came to my attention that the ex is going through a hard time and definitely in need of a friend. It made me realize that I want to be this kind of friend to him. I think we've demonstrated that our personal, non-romantic connection stands the test of time so I feel qualified and almost compelled to try to support him. In general, I want to reconnect in a more substantial way. We made plans to meet up one-on-one.

When I informed my spouse I planned to meet this person, he let me know he disapproved and felt uncomfortable with the idea. His issue seems to stem from the fact that the ex is "a single, lonely guy in NY" and of course, that there is a romantic past between us.

I want to respect my partner's wishes. I also want to be a friend to someone who needs one who I care about.

What do you think, FGB'ers?

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19 Comments

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  1. R.E. Gast

    I'm coming from a position where an ex (seven years ago, dated when we first started college) is one of my best friends. He's also grown to be my spouse's friend. Additionally, I'm distant friends with another ex (dated during the brief period my spouse and I split up while dating), but I am pretty open when we message and what we talk about because I know it's something my spouse felt insecure about in the past. The openness reassured him.

    While I think it's unfortunate that your spouse feels insecure about the situation, it sounds like you need to sit down and come up with a solution that works well for both of you. You intend to be there for your friend. Your spouse wants to feel secure in his relationship with you. You also want your spouse to feel secure. It sounds like a problem that could be solved with a good discussion between the two of you and an honest look at both of your feelings / worries.

  2. Anonymous

    I think it's totally possible to be friends with your ex, but honestly, it may be easier when he is in a relationship. Your spouse may have a point about him reaching out to you when he's vulnerable...

  3. Anonymous

    I agree. These situations can be tricky, because exes can make your significant other very jealous, even if you know they have no reason to be jealous. That's just the way it goes. I tend to think if I were in your position, my ultimately loyalty/responsibility would be to my spouse, and I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable by spending time alone with my ex if they weren't comfortable with it. Your ex hopefully has other people he can lean on for support during this time, and while I think you can certainly be friends, I don't think you need to be the person who's there for him when he's particularly vulnerable. It's just complicated.

  4. Anonymous

    I've been on the other end of this. My boyfriends ex recently lost her grandmother, who she was extremely close with and my boyfriend had spent quite a bit of time with. She reached out to him looking for comfort as he recently went through the same thing. While I wasn't thrilled about it (and definitely was a little jealous), I had to remind myself that her reaching out to him showed that he is a compassionate person. Just make sure that you set boundaries with your ex so no lines are crossed.

  5. Courtney Klein

    Personally, I think it's fine but, obviously, you'll need to help your spouse understand that, regardless of your ex's intentions, yours are strictly friendly. Even if he is a "single, lonely guy in NY," you're not. You are (I assume) happily married and in love with your spouse and, in reality, that should be consoling for him. He should be able to trust you. You're married, after all.

    I say this, too, having a significant other who is still in regular (albeit digital) contact with his ex. Like Anonymous above me, I'm not thrilled about it, but I realize that it's indicative that he's a good person. My jealousy flares up, yes, but I also trust him. Regardless of what her intentions may be, I don't think my S/O is going to do anything untoward and, quite frankly, if he does that means we're not meant to be. Reassure your husband that there is no threat and be open about what you two do. It may be worth it to avoid going to "date-like" places (maybe pasta by candle light isn't the best idea), but you should feel comfortable being a good person and supporting people you care about.

  6. Anonymous

    I have been very very good friends with one of my ex's. He and I were friends for a long time and on and off romantic for many years until we tried out a relationship. This didn't last because I was still in college and he went to school in another state; however, we still remained friends and for a period of time when I was seeing other people, we lost contact.

    But now we still see each other, my significant other has met him a few times, and they get along quite well. I think it varies from situation to situation and depending on how your spouse or significant other feels about the situation. I would also advise being completely transparent about the conversations between you and your spouse to make him feel included at least at a certain level.

  7. Melinda Girard

    Good, solid, close friendships with former loves are absolutely possible. The key here is to ensure your spouse feels comfortable and secure. Sit down, talk it out and keep talking about it. I also think one of the previous posts here said to choose non-date locations to meet up - excellent advice. I am friends with more than one of my ex's, and close with one in particular whom I was very serious with. My husband is secure and knows our friendship is nothing more - and my ex's wife knows as well.

  8. Lady Pele

    Agreed that it's possible. Just be sure to put your spouse before your ex.

  9. Maggie B

    I think you'll know a lot more about his motivations after a one-on-one coffee, and not before.

  10. Lori Schmitz

    This is a tough one... I think your husband's feelings on this should be in the forefront of how you proceed.

    My husband is very close friends with an Ex and in fact she was over here last night as they share a mutual friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer and went to visit him together.

    I "get" their friendship but at times it is hard for me to support it. :). I know they are just friends; but their emotional connection sometimes make me feel like an outsider (they have known each other for 35+ years; I have know my husband for 6 years).

    Maybe have him come to your home vs. meeting at a neutral place; your husband doesn't need to be a part of the conversation but he might feel better being in the house while the two of you are meeting 1:1.

    I applaud you for sharing this with your husband vs. not... this speaks to the respect you have for your relationship and I am sure you can find a way to support your Ex in a way that doesn't leave your husband feeling outside of a significant relationship in your life.

    Good luck!

  11. Candice Davidson

    Im good friends with most of my ex's, two of them I consider my best friends and I'm upfront about that when I start seeing someone to make sure it's not going to be an issue because they are an important part of my life. I know it's unusual, but for me, even though things didn't work out romantically, that doesn't take away from it that they are good, amazing, genuine people. Being there for them during a difficult time in their life, and them for me, is just a natural part of our friendship.

    The difference here, it seems, is while you've been friends with your ex, you're not that close and being there for him during his breakup would change the dynamic of your relationship enough that your spouse is uncomfortable it. I can totally understand that, and personally, I would respect their feelings and not change things from casual friend to close friend.

    I would probably just sympathize with the breakup, offer encouragement and suggest they meet up with someone you know they're friends with locally to talk to. You can't possibly be your exes only friend and you're not his best friend, so don't feel like it's all up to you to get him through this.

    Just be a friend, be kind, but keep it light, and maintain boundaries.

  12. Anne Claudel

    Support works by phone too, not only meeting physically. My ex and I support each other via chats and phone calls. Might be less threatening to your husband

  13. Anonymous

    As a married woman of 25 years, I think it's dangerous to be GOOD friends with the ex. We are sexual creatures by nature, and temptation will come. It may not come right away, but it will eventually rear its ugly head. Protect your marriage. Ask yourself how you would feel if your husband was meeting an ex for coffee? Being friends with him is one thing, but meeting him alone is dangerous territory. Needless to say, I'm very conservative, and my values are like those of my grandparents. :-)

  14. Tricia Fleisher Willhide

    I believe the answer starts with you.
    ONLY YOU know how you really feel about your ex and what your intentions are. I don't want to go on vacation with my ex but I invite him to the annual holiday parties that my husband and I have. In the last year, I do regular check ins with him via text because he is going through lots of behavior health problems and does not have family close, doesn't have many close friends and is not married. I want him to be well and I want my kids to see that sometimes marriages don't work out for a number of reasons. We are all growing and on our own journey. Divorce even in the best circumstances is not fun or easy but that doesn't mean that you need to carry the negative energy with you. I am not at all attracted to my ex. I don't reminisce about the past with him and have zero concern about putting myself in a conflicting position.
    I realize that is not the case for everyone and therefore that's where you have to be honest with yourself.

  15. Balanced604777

    I’d personally say you need to respect your spouse’s feelings. There’s no reason why you can’t support your ex, but a one on one meeting when there’s strong emotions already involved isn’t actually necessary. There’s chat, there’s text, there’s phone calls. Hell, there’s all three of you going out for dinner—perhaps a male POV might be really useful to your ex.

    If you have strong objections to supporting your friend in those ways and not face to face, in order to respect your spouse’s feelings, I’d strongly advise double checking your own emotions and motivations. If you are 100%, stone cold sure that your motivations are pure and so are the motivations of your ex, well, it’s your life, and you have a right to it, and you can choose for this to be a hill your marriage may possibly die on.

    Should your spouse be grown up enough to deal with you having a life apart from your marriage? Yup, he should. (That the situation should be exactly the same if it were his ex goes without saying, of course.) But no one is perfect and we all have our emotions. How would you want him to proceed if the tables were turned?

  16. Kim Beasley

    Her spouse is trying to protect his marriage; he's not being immature or insecure. He knows it could easily get out of hand and that if she cares about her marriage, she will let it go.

  17. FGBEnthusiast

    As someone who has been in a very similar situation, and made mistakes, my advice to you is - don't do it.
    Respect both your spouse's feelings and the fact that this is a tricky situation.
    If you think objectively about it, there is no real need to be a more significant friend for him and he is clearly vulnerable. As a matter of fact, so are you. You mentioned that the relationship was significant. So there are feelings (albeit submerged), so don't go there again. 9 years don't matter, neither do 20 years.

    We rationalize our emotions and think we can handle it. The truth is, its very easy to get caught up in a web of confusing emotions. And takes a long time to extricate yourself from it.. with all the tools we have going for us these days..
    Spend time to reflect why he wants to meet 1 on 1 with you. Why not the three of you? As others mentioned, the three of you getting together might be a great idea and you may be able to help him out that way.
    Your spouse is right. At the end of the day, its really about prioritization, whose feelings you put first. Respect your marriage and let it go.

  18. FGBEnthusiast

    One more thing. You wrote you feel 'compelled' and this keeps haunting me because I can relate to it. In fact its a red herring. Remember, there is no compulsion and its always a choice you make.
    Support your friendship by keeping things in the open via phone calls and chats. Like with other good friends. Let him know you care about him and he can count on you as a friend.
    You can be a good friend by supporting through phone calls and chats with special emphasis on when you do it...like when your spouse is around.
    Spend more time chatting and being a companion to your spouse. The lines are not blurry and don't let yourself forget that. Don't analyze. Keep it simple.

  19. Kim Beasley

    You want to be too much of a friend to your ex!! No way, sorry. I'm not going to give you that pass. Why are you so obsessed with being a "substantial" friend or providing him "substantial" support during this hard time he is having? Nope. You are going too far. You spouse/SI is right: it's disrespecting him and your relationship with him. Back off.

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