© 2022 Fairygodboss. All rights reserved.
This is a cry for help & support from others who might have been in my situation.
Hi all, I've never done anything like this before, but I'm trying to find help/support anywhere I can as I'm in a desperate situation that's been mounting for ~2 years. I work for large very famous company who publicly touts being "diverse" spends a great deal of time & money on PR on how wonderful it is for women working here. My personal & horrifying experience has been the exact opposite. I have volumes of documentation and am now starting to (re)engage with HR & attorneys. I've tried to avoid this and worked extra hard in the past year to manage/repair this myself. As many of you might nod to this, the little incidents in isolation may seem small, they're insidious, and the entire narrative and flow of information is controlled by the leadership (all men, of course). I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, facing serious damage to my career if I take action when the odds are heavily stacked against me. There is also a huge chunk of money at stake. The leadership team (aka "The Boys Club" internally) has done a pretty good job of painting me with the 'hysterical woman' brush already, so I need to be extremely cautious about how I do this. I also really need to talk to other women who may have been in similar spots... just for support. My friends & relatives are getting quite sick of hearing about it by now. :) I obviously need to post this anonymously, despite how badly I want to call BULLSH*T with a megaphone every time I see a nauseating corporate blog or press release on how great it is here for women. I'm stunned at how I got here and. Now that I've finally chosen to speak out and take action, I'm terrified & overwhelmed at what's before me. I would very much appreciate any advice, empathy, or any kind small words might help a person feel better when she feels so effing isolated and scared. Thanks in advance to any kind anonymous stranger who can help a little. For all the bad stuff that happens in the internet among strangers, I think there's some genuine human goodness here. -Jane Doe
Julia Moreno Perri
Creative Doer • Misfit • Creative Being
33
07/02/19 at 5:44PM UTC
You are courageous for talking about sexism at work. I admire your ability to persevere in a toxic work culture. So many of us have faced the same or are facing the same. There is so much great advice and support here from this community to lend you support. I hope you find another work situation that will recognize your experience and skills.
If you haven't already done so, contact the ACLU to find resources related to fighting your case. Seek the advice from an attorney regarding recording meetings. Federal law differs from state laws and without the right legal guidance it can be detrimental to your documentation efforts.
There have been several articles recently about women whistleblowing about sexism in tech. You may want to reach out to those women who have gone public and even litigated their cases.
And lastly, here is a hug from me to you.
Bosslady143126
14
07/02/19 at 2:35PM UTC
Dear Jane Doe-
You are not alone. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.
I am currently in the process of legal negotiations for a separation agreement due to blatant disparate pay- the men in my company who do my type of work are all Sr Directors while the women are Sr Managers (is. men are 2 full pay grades higher, have offices with door instead of cubicles, parking privileges, actually allowed to manage the employees who report to them including setting pay with HR, stock options, higher cash bonus...... on and on). I have more credentials than any of the men.
For questioning the pay differences I was retaliated against with false performance accusations and placed on a “performance improvement plan”.
It’s a female executive who is doing this and HR & Legal are just cover up organizations. They do nothing but deny and create an illusion of doing the right thing. They lie so much that they actually believe their lies.
I have nearly a dozen past and present employees ready to testify that they have been subjected to similar bullying and/or discrimination by the management of this well known company. In the case of those who are too scared to speak up, I know their stories well enough to be able to give my attorney the right people to depose and the right questions to ask to get the truth out.
All this and I can’t sue because this company included an arbitration clause in their pre-employment agreement that covers “all issues arising out of employment with them”. They have used this loophole in the law to be able to break the law against their employees with impunity while minimizing the damages that can be collected by anyone brave enough to stand up.
I’ve worked in high tech for more than 40 years and I just had the epiphany that I’ve been fighting this same battle over and over for my whole adult life!
When I started in engineering they didn’t even have women’s bathrooms on the same floor of the building.
I’ve worked for some companies that were less blatant than this current situation but I’ve never worked for any company that really embraced fair and equal.
I’ve had good experiences in my career too. I’ve worked on some really amazing technology and literally been in the forefront of changing the world. I’ve worked with some wonderful, kind, and incredibly smart people who have become lifelong friends. I’ve influenced entire industries. Those are the things I try to focus on.
When the stress of battling for fair treatment gets overwhelming and the anxiety starts to rise I do a lot of self talk. I remind myself out loud “they do not have the right to make me feel this way!” and “It’s them and their issue, not me. I’ve not done anything wrong!”
It is exactly the same emotional game as leaving an abusive relationship. There is risk in fighting back. It can be costly but it can also be beneficial.
Be more cunning in your negotiations than they are. Calculate every move in your exit long before you begin taking action. Take action when you are ready and prepared for their reaction.
Keep your perspective- you are not going to change an abusive company but they do owe you reparations- make them pay as much as you possibly can and as much as you can, expose them for what they are really doing.
They will shut you up with a gag order but they will pay for that. They will try to discredit and disparage your credibility- and even try to convince you they are right but you know who you are and you know the truth. Hang on to that!
You are fighting the battle not only for yourself but for all the other employees past, present, and future who weren’t able to make a stand.
Vanessa175Tech entrepreneur, traveler, HR professional
87
06/27/19 at 3:11AM UTC
I worked in several organisations where bullying was common. It involved women bullying other women. As if sexism from men isn't bad enough!. I wasn't the victim, but I spoke up on several occasions when I saw others bullied and visibly upset. I got comments from other co-workers ranging from telling me I shouldn't get involved to letting me know they wanted to say something too but were worried about damage to their careers. I was in my 20s at the time, in junior roles and didn't have much to lose. I would still do the same again now at 40. If no one speaks out nothing will change. Several of us tried speaking to management, but unfortunately in those situations, the senior leadership team were more interested in denying there was a problem than trying to fix it. Some victims got money to keep it quiet. I just walked away and moved onto other jobs. Life's too short to work with nasty people.
Leader757947Cross-Cultural Understanding
129
06/26/19 at 5:46PM UTC
Thank you for standing up. More women need to follow in your image. You are a role model. Stay strong and let Lesley Gore provide you a little smile: https://youtu.be/JDUjeR01wnU
Tamara R.
118
06/26/19 at 2:40PM UTC
There are lots of great suggestions in these posts and I don't have anything new to add. Just know that you are so strong and brave for trying to make a difference. We're all cheering for your success! Be sure to check back in and let us know how you're doing. Good luck!
Donna MacdonaldWriting to a woman's heart...
223
06/26/19 at 12:38PM UTC
I am sorry you are going through a situation that happens more than people realize in our work environments. Most women don't speak up. It's hard to comment specifically because you haven't revealed the particulars of your situation. If you want to buy time there, I suggest an EEOC Claim. Usually, HR sides with the company - their job is to protect the firm's interests. As for day to day, self-care can help and talking it out with a therapist. Best wishes for an outcome that suits you.
Anonymous
06/25/19 at 5:33PM UTC
Hey ladies, Jane Doe here, who started this post. As you might imagine, I'm spinning & tied up in all sorts of ways, kicking into a process that will be my temporary new full time job. I just want to shout massive THANK YOU to all of you for this outpouring of support, empathy & advice. I am moved to tears. It's been so incredibly helpful to be seeing these updates keep coming in the background while I'm starting the nasty foreground work. It's like I have dozens of little angels on my shoulder whispering goodness into my ears, which is exactly what I needed. I may not be able to respond to each of you individually here and I agree that posting anything anonymous or otherwise is very risky, so I'm going to have to keep it to a minimum. Perhaps this thread itself serves as my 'pay it forward' advice to anyone else who ever gets in this spot. Do what I just did... seek support & understanding from anyone you can, even if you don't know them. You have no idea how tremendously helpful this has been for me and I'm eternally grateful to all of you lovely people. It also restores my faith in humanity, which can also become soured when you encounter so much bad human behavior for a long time. SO MUCH LOVE AND THANK YOU TO ALL!
Anonymous
07/03/19 at 4:06PM UTC
Good luck to you! I don't know your circumstances exactly, but I have gone through a very similar situation (from the sounds of it) about a year and a half ago. It wasn't pleasant, but what helped me get through:
1. One very supportive person at home (even though this person was probably tired of hearing it all, they were my sounding board and a place of comfort and acceptance). You need one person who can be that constant for you
2. Very good documentation. I didn't think I would need it, and I didn't document things intentionally, but once I sat down to put the timeline together, all pieces were there from emails/chats/conversations.
3. Good lawyer. I actually had a lawyer on contingency, so if I walked out with nothing, they would get nothing. First, the fact that people were interested in taking my case on contingency proved to me I had a good case. Second, the lawyer was interested in winning the battle with me, rather than bill be by the hour.
If you want somebody to talk to, I am here. I know I am posting this anonymously, but if you want to connect, let me know and I will reach out.
Anonymous
06/25/19 at 4:41PM UTC
First off, thank you for speaking up, even if it is anonymous. Sometimes that is half the battle! I do have a similar experience and am going to make my comment anonymous as well so that I can feel free enough to tell my story without fear of retribution.
I work in sales at a large company who also preaches diversity & inclusion and for the most part does an awesome job. We have mandatory training for managers on unconscious bias, we have programs in place to intentionally hire more women, people of color, the LGBT community, veterans & those with disabilities. From the outside looking in and most of the time from the inside looking out, our company is doing all the right things.
But even then, there are situations that do not fit our culture - sometimes it's a rogue employee who just needs a wakeup call from HR (or a boot out the door) but other times it's leaders having blinders on to bigger systemic issues.
A few examples: I went though a long training program to go from inside sales to outside sales. As I started networking & talking to hiring managers I learned from a coworker that one of the hiring managers had asked my coworker if I was "pretty" (essentially saying "is she good looking enough to get in with customers"). This was a kick to the gut and a big wake up call that I'm still in a male dominated world that puts a woman's looks before her abilities to do the job. It gave me a terrible taste in my mouth for the career transition and I started looking for employment withy another company at that point - all because of one rogue employee who did not adhere to the same principles that were being preached from the top.
Another similar example is that there are entire teams within our company (primarily customer facing teams) that are made up of middle aged white males - and because they are customer facing it tends to give off the perception that our company is not committed to a diverse workforce (when in reality our inside, non customer facing teams, are very diverse). I wish our company did better in this area and it is something I bring up whenever I get the chance.
Lastly, at a recent sales conference I watched upper leadership boast about how many women they had promoted over the last year and then they followed it up with thanking the entire leadership team - who was made up of at least 90% males (only a couple females in a team of over 20). It's those kind of disconnects that people notice and that minimizes all of the actual good work being done.
I also understand the fear of speaking up and I think a lot of it comes down to if you feel the company is really capable of change or not. If you don't feel they are open minded enough to listen to your concerns and make the necessary changes then why bother making yourself the martyr? Just find a job elsewhere and once free of that toxic situation post your reviews to warn other women to steer clear. If, on the other hand, you think there is the potential to make a difference, even if it poses risk to your own career - it may be worth it on the grander scale. No one can make that decision but you. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck and glad we have this outlet to share our experiences & struggles anonymously when needed.
Focused807711
13
06/25/19 at 4:20PM UTC
It never ceases to amaze me the atrocities that continue to be committed against women around the world and in the USA too! I think you are right that you need to find the best attorney you can to defend yourself and seek restitution. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I suggest finding a good church and/or counselor to help you sort things out. Best wishes! Lisa Maloney
Anna Conti
28
06/25/19 at 4:02PM UTC
Try to find a journalist who will could write an article, do more research into the company, i'm sure there are other women in your company who have had similar things happen to them. The more women unite around these things and support eachother, the more power we will have to change the way things are. Always remember that you are not alone and that you aren't what they say you are "hysterical woman". Stay strong and do everything you can through HR/Lawyers, etc. If they don't can't help you, try to leave the company and then go public with it. Only public shame will change their behavior, or at least will hurt them financially. Goodluck!
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