Help vs. Partnership: Gender Roles Redefined

HELP On May 7, 2020, 6-7 weeks into the COVID shutdown and quarantine, Facebook’s & Lean In’s Sheryl Sandberg published an article which is exquisitely indicative of her (at times) anachronistic perspective on issues of gender roles and equality. It illustrates perfectly my struggle with her prescription for aiding in women’s success. “Women are maxing out and burning out. Getting through this crisis means helping women get through it too. All of us—employers, managers, elected officials, and spouses—need to help lighten their loads.” — Sheryl Sandberg I really take issue with the continued use of the word "help" when it comes to anyone aside from women putting in their share of the team work (at home or elsewhere). This framing is incredibly detrimental. The reason for this is that it assumes that the base level of responsibility for performing in all arenas (paid work, household administration, childcare) somehow inherently lies with women, and is to be done before they prioritize their own needs (as if there were enough hours in the day). It removes their agency to accept or reject roles on the basis of what is doable and equitable, and casts them as needy recipients of charitable giving at the whim of others who should be doing their part anyway. Other adults (and even older children) living in a household are not "helping" women by pulling their weight and sharing in meal prep, cleaning, planning, educating, childrearing tasks - they are simply participating in an appropriate way that modern society demands. Women need not beg for help with unpaid work that was never their sole burden in the first place. Until we start using more accurate language to discuss the issue, we cannot fully grasp the implications and address them in a productive way. VS. PARTNERSHIP Some couples have duties split (one works outside the home and one manages the home/family). If it works for both parties, cool. Raising young children and managing the home are a full time endeavor, one that is unpaid and often taken for granted, but that’s a whole other blog post. If you’re one of the brave souls pulling all of this off as a single working parent, you’re crushing it, and hats off to you. If you’re managing the household as part of a pair, here are a few basic strategies we use. I offer them because in my experience, in the absence of structure, the default solution often falls to the natural gap filler, noticer, etc. Often mom, but not at all always. Structure helps keep everyone pitching in and reminds us all that it takes a team to run a household (and beyond)! I also don’t have to constantly ask/delegate/nag/be annoyed. Dinner schedule (one team cooks and the other cleans). Kids can team up together if they’re old enough, and have fun planning and making a meal. Okay, they may not thank you right away, but they’ll feel pretty good about themselves when they pull it off and bask in your appreciation. And, they’re learning life skills! Bonus - they can avoid being the kid in college who breaks the dishwasher by using Dawn in the dispenser or never changes their sheets since they’ve never done their own laundry - yuck. Chore chart (not even a remotely original idea, I know, but sometimes the tried and true sticks around for a reason). Chart out the weekly tasks and assign them in age appropriate ways. We’ve actually renamed our chore board “Life,” since these are things they’ll be doing for the rest of it, unless they make enough dough as adults to hire it all out. Fun chart (list the days of the week and have each family member sign up for a day to plan a fun thing they want to do together). You don’t have to fill all the days - one day per week per person is cool. The other evenings can be left open for solo or spontaneous pursuits. This is a low effort way to infuse some joy into the routine. Isn’t it more fun to do family things you get to pick sometimes? My kids would surely say yes. Each person gets to choose whatever they want without forcing consensus, having the adults pick everything, or doing nothing fun because no one thought of it and now it’s bedtime. Some examples of stuff our crew has come up with: games, movies, house dance party, go for a walk/hike, art project, puzzles, and even acrylic painting (free videos on youtube you can follow). When it comes to nurturing a home and a life, it’s all hands on deck to keep everyone fed, dishes done, and fun high on the list of priorities. When framed as “help,” there’s a root lack of understanding of roles and work in modern life. When framed as “partnership,” all are empowered to play meaningful roles in all arenas of life and the burden is equally shared. With this tension removed, we make way for mutual respect and joy.