© 2022 Fairygodboss. All rights reserved.
The negative side of attractiveness
I am not a beauty. I am cute and fit.
Early on in my career I am sure I received more attention and accolades than others less attractive, but I always attributed it to my personality. Aggressive, outgoing, a wicked sense of humor, and a thick tough skin to work in large ticket acquisitions ($15million-$3.5billion) all in a man's world.
Now that I am 55, that same personality doesn't work as well. I realize now that female, aggressive and cute is a great combination for a male industry. You just aren't competition.
Female, aggressive, experienced and 55 - all of a sudden your male mentors are competitors, and men compete to win. Men are less likely to show sympathy and they aren't apologetic for backstabbing to get what they want. They view fighting for a job like fighting for their family and all weapons are out.
Women have to learn a tempered ruthlessness. Otherwise we will continue to be shut out of the top roles.
Jacqueline Biollo, MBA
Community Leader | Social Advocate | Strategist
55
10/27/20 at 9:40PM UTC
And why do we care what anyone else thinks? #BeYou #LadyBoss
Anonymous
10/25/20 at 2:31AM UTC
Having been overweight since age 6 until losing 160 pounds in my early 30s, I was not prepared for how much differently the world, and especially my boss, treated me at a size 4 than 24. Just another reason we need more women in leadership positions.
Anonymous
10/23/20 at 3:52PM UTC
There's another side of this coin. I'm a 43 year old biracial woman, a Director in the HR field, working at male-dominated tech companies. I've always been a high performer, knew my sh*t, and delivered. I've also always been pretty, though now as a minivan driving mom of 3 I don't really turn heads these days. Everyone tells me I look way too young to have a 15 year old.
When you're someone who looks young and people consider pretty you become hyper aware of being "too pretty" and that you won't be taken seriously. 6 years ago when I was interviewing for a job at a well-known tech companyI decided to chop off my long hair and wear glasses instead of contacts so I would look more experienced (though my resume and interviews should have said it all). I got the job. Now I am maybe more confident to be myself, or maybe I don't feel that I have to try as hard to look experienced because my face is showing it.
As much as I hate it, in society beauty is valued in women (and men!), and yes I believe it can help in your career and life. But make no mistake, the attractiveness bind cuts both ways. As others have said, all beauty fades or changes over time, but even in the "good years" there is a price to be paid.
Stephanie AndersonI love good CRE deals, from 5mm to 3.5bb
86
10/23/20 at 8:53PM UTC
Very true
Anonymous
10/23/20 at 3:19PM UTC
As a 30-something in a male dominated industry this is a really interesting perspective and good to know as I plan ahead. I do feel like I've started to get a taste of this already. In my 20's when I was seen as cute, eager, and a go-getter, male execs found that endearing and generally seemed happy to encourage it and take me under their wing. As I've risen up in rank and am just starting to cross that line where I could be seen as a competitive threat, or going up against them for projects/domains of influence, I've had my first tastes of how quickly they can turn nasty and straight up attack you when you're not the cute harmless understudy anymore...
Diane Carl
12
10/24/20 at 5:26PM UTC
If I could go back to my 30 year old self, I would do the entrepreneur route which would mean 5-10 years of low pay and building, to then be in full charge and reap the benefits.
I don't like being pushed out, excluded, but that is what came for me by staying in med-large corporations past age 35. I'm scrapping to get back in after a long break (kids, parents, support husband's career, etc.). Starting a business now is doable, but I won't reap the same rewards and leave a legacy as you might.
Anonymous
10/24/20 at 8:19PM UTC
Thank you! Really appreciate the perspective. Having put some time into corporate life, I was already starting to lean towards a startup or going the pure entrepreneurial route in my next step in my career path, as other aspects of corporate life are weighing me down as well (looking for more freedom/autonomy/decision making power without the bureaucracy, more skin in the game in the form of shares/equity, faster paced/innovative culture, etc).
Didn't stop to consider that the pushing out/exclusion could start as soon as 35, so thanks for the heads up!
Karen KelemenBenefits Administrator in New York
63
10/23/20 at 1:50PM UTC
Always assessing. That's the way you have to be at work. Co-workers are always primarily co-workers. Doesn't mean you can't be friends. Means you need to be cautious.
Nora Sist
87
10/22/20 at 8:29PM UTC
Lots of insights from the above posts and 50+ strong-willed women. I work in a male dominated sector too. Some days,
I do feel like I need to put on my shield (or armour) to work - it could be starting the day with a positive self-talk or
“dress to kill”, especially on days when I have to present or “sell” my ideas to management.
Anonymous
10/22/20 at 3:45PM UTC
I really wish we could convince more men to behave like women, instead of women feeling they have to compete the way men have been trained to. Wouldn't it be great if we joined forces, intellect, experience, and ideas cooperatively instead?
Jennifer A
968
10/22/20 at 3:28PM UTC
I agree with the original poster and many of the comments made in this post. I am now over 50 and can relate to much of what was said. There is one point I would like to comment on.
"Female, aggressive, experienced and 55 - all of a sudden your male mentors are competitors, and men compete to win." YES and not just because of what you said but also because the path to success is comprised of smaller and smaller options for opportunity. There are many positions for a purchasing clerk but quite a few less for director or purchasing and even less for a VP of purchasing. The path to ascension is a triangle and as a person approaches the top, the competition becomes more fierce and more subtle.
Lael Beckwith
59
10/22/20 at 2:12PM UTC
I have found that the issue of how attractiveness effects treatment is not limited to just interactions with men. There's some evidence to suggest that many of the things we associate with beauty were ingrained in us through evolutionary biology (some of the items we find attractive correlate to health for example), and as women we are prone to this as well. It's important to reflect on our initial reactions to others. We need the value that each person brings, and might miss out if we're not careful!
Leader554050
14
10/22/20 at 2PM UTC
I completely relate. I am at the end of my otherwise highly successful career, 31 years on the job, and age 61. I am a PR Director for a large non-profit with regional responsibility. To the unknowing, PR is a glamorous, "cute" job where you "pretty-up" messes. It is not glamourous. It is not easy. It is not fluff. Especially when it involves health care. Suddenly, now that I am seasoned and know my job like the back of my hand, my younger, rising boss(es) - one who is male - treat me like I don't know anything and discount me more times than not. I was that attractive, size 6-8, 5'5" tall, Talbots-wearing mid-level exec. who graduated college magna cum laude, had a career in journalism right out of college, and never compromised my integrity or work ethics to climb the career ladder. I know my stuff and do it well! Now I am old, marginalized, and dispensible.
© 2022 Fairygodboss. All rights reserved.