Frustrated, Abused and Uncertain

Question

I’ve been at my current job for 8+ years and am one of the top 5 sales reps. I generally like what I do, I’m very good at my job and my customers love me. My problem is with my boss. He’s what I would call “explosive”. He manages me, and everyone else, by fear and intimidation and often screams and yells during discussions. I asked to meet with him recently because there has been a severe shift in the attitudes of the customer service team, and these (negative/unhelpful) attitudes are affecting his customers. During our meeting, I started to show him a file I created  that included  20+ emails from several different customers, and as I was explaining the context of each situation, he started screaming and yelling at me and  said “the people in the office think you are “privileged”, “condescending” and think you have an attitude of “entitlement.”  But he did not provide any context around these statements or provide any voicemails I had left, emails I had sent, etc. And no one at the office has ever approached me or asked to speak to me about my behaviour towards them.  Personally I think that’s what he feels about me, not them.  He went on to say, “there are things that you are good at, but there are lots of things that you’re absolutely terrible at,” but he did not explain what those terrible things were. He then said “I’ve always tried to help you” (which he did as he gave me a lot of accounts and helped me with my personal financial investments), “ but you don’t want to listen to what I’m telling you”.  From my standpoint, I don’t see how helping me with accounts and investments gives him the right to scream and yell. I see these actions as verbal abuse and assault.  I’m a top producer and deserve to be treated with respect and appreciation. This was also not the first time he exploded on me. There have been several other incidents, one of which  he told me to go look for another job after I proved to him another rep got paid for my sale and lied about it. Screaming, yelling, and manipulating are his management styles. Ive now reached my abuse limit and feel my only choice is to look for another job, or hope I get a package. I’d like to be able to talk it out with him, but highly doubt he’ll be receptive to any input I have. What are your thoughts? What do you suggest?

Lady GotThere · Answer

It is not ok for him to yell and scream at you, and you are correct that an explosive demeanor is destructive to groups and productivity. Plenty of research says you are right.

However, I challenge you to think through the implications of the things you are correct about so you can clearly see your path going forward, and that your future feedback endeavors will be more successful.

' [what he feels about me:]  “privileged”, “condescending” ... have an attitude of “entitlement.”

Entitled-- to give him unsolicited feedback
Privileged-- you had someone to teach you the right and wrong way to behave when he did not, and potentially circumstances where the right way was rewarded not punished
Condescending-- that his ways (the flips side of the bad behavior) have no context  or redeeming value

These things will never go over well with a colleague, boss, or subordinate (I am sorry you learned it the hard way):
* Collecting a files worth of data on them
* Letting them know you collected information on them (no matter how well intentioned)
* Unsolicited feedback
* Feedback that does not acknowledge their intentions, merits or strengths
* Feedback that puts down or denigrate's the other person's value set
* Feedback that does not align with  or contradicts that person's experiences/worldview without recourse

“I’ve always tried to help you”

This is a statement about betrayal. Values clashes always go both ways. But currently, in his view, he sees that he dealt with his clash constructively by helping you, and that you dealt with yours destructively, by brutally tearing him down. He did not get the message that his yelling and screaming is inappropriate and most importantly, avoidable. He did not get the message that it would help him and everyone else if he did not scream and yell. He got the message that you hate him.

'I see these actions as verbal abuse'

'I’d like to be able to talk it out with him, but highly doubt he’ll be receptive to any input I have. What are your thoughts? What do you suggest?'

You absolutely should not tolerate abuse, and should find a job where the supervisor does not abuse you.

Unfortunately, the talk it out train has left the station. I mean, can you really imagine yourself apologizing for the way you handled things when you believe his wrongs are so much greater than yours?  And if you could do it-- Should you?  Especially when your position as a subordinate makes you comparatively vulnerable? Do you trust his good side enough to do that?

I think by identifying your boss as an abuser of you, you identified (but did not recognize) that you were not in a position to successfully deliver feedback.

I think the only thing you can do is leave for another place. In the future, consider that the feedback you had to offer is the stuff of exit interviews, anonymous company reviews, and resignation letters. I am sorry you went through this.

JYJ · Answer

Wow. I am so sorry that you're in this mess.

He is abusive and sounds mentally unstable. You have to document all your communications and conversations with him. You may even need to record him on your cell or laptop when you're speaking. I had to do this when I was close to litigation with a former employer. Luckily, they let that person go. Please consult an employment lawyer.

A hostile work environment has legal ramifications for the company. His words and actions are impacting your performance and therefore the profits of the company. Be careful with HR. They are there to protect the company's interests-not yours.

KX123 · Answer

Unfortunately, I do not think having a verbal conversation will be helpful, especially if he is as manipulative as you describe. If you truly are at your wits end I would advise that you highlight some of the most unprofessional comments that are both related and unrelated to your job performance and bring them up to HR and ask to address them formally. Stray away from bashing him, instead focus on how his comments make you feel uncomfortable and request that future feedback be provided to you in a constructive and professional manner. Depending on the company you work for, this action will either create a focus on him to change his behavior or put a target on your back where you will be considered a liability and they will either push you out through performance or a severance package. I would also say that if any of his comments or actions towards you are harrassing or discriminatory, you consult with an attorney before you do anything.

Frustrated, Abused and Uncertain

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