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Anonymous
10/15/20 at 5:09PM UTC (Edited)
in
Management

Toxic Manager

I’ve been working for the same company for over 5 years. I work in a male dominated field, but for the most part, have navigated my way through. I have been in my current position for over a year. A few months back I was approached internally about an opportunity in a different channel at my company. I went to my boss, who I had a good relationship with, to get his advice/be respectful about being approached. He blew up. He yelled & screamed & put me down. He ended up blocking me from the position because I am one of his best performers and he did not want to lose me. Ever since that, he has had a vendetta against me. He’s made my work exceptionally harder by trying to make me “look bad” in front of senior leadership and overall making things more difficult because he felt that it was “unfair” for someone to approach me about a job because it wasn’t in “his control”. He has used my upcoming wedding as a reason he felt “I was checked out” even though I had plenty of work to prove how hard I was working, he put extra work on my plate vs my male teammates, and has pinned emotional decisions he has made onto me so he didn’t look unstable. I had a major meeting recently with a client that showcased how hard I work and received tremendous praise from the client in front of my boss and senior leadership. & now my boss is telling me how great I am/my work is. I am desperately seeking advice on what I’m supposed to do. I’ve gone to HR after the first of two times my boss has yelled at me, which I was told from HR that he was emotional and to lay low... Senior leadership recently got wind of how he has been treating me but I haven’t been talked to about it. I am activity looking for a new job elsewhere but until I can change companies... how do I keep my sanity?

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Tami Brown
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367
Manager in Chilton, WI
10/21/20 at 2:08PM UTC
I was in a similar situation before the recession hit in 2009. The family friendly company that I was working for was bought out by an unethical company that proceeded to bleed the company dry and within 2 years, the doors were closed. There were so many stressful situations, the removal of our 401K, direct deposit of our paychecks and the race to try to cash our checks before the account was empty. BUT, I also gained a lot of travel / customer facing experience that I may not have gotten with the former management in place. Not to mention the additional management experience I gained as well. As toxic and stressful as the situation was for months, I refuse to let it cloud over the benefits I gained over all. Most importantly, how to more quickly recognize that I am in a similar situation and how not to let it define who I am in that position and what my future holds for me. It may be difficult now, but find the silver lining and take care of yourself!
Elise Pilkington
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261
10/18/20 at 6:19PM UTC
First, I would say stick to your job search and don't change your mind, at least while this individual remains your boss. He has shown he's willing to torpedo your career opportunities for his own perceived benefit. NOT someone you want influencing your future prospects. Second, do make him aware that you're onto him and his tactics. The experience with the customer should have put him on notice that others in your company respect you and value your work. When you leave, people are going to notice, and if he has been badmouthing you and treating you poorly, it will not be a good look for him. BTW, HR's normal mode is to look out for the company and not the employee, but yours is doing a poor job of even that. Telling an employee that they have to put up with being screamed at because "he's emotional"...I can't even! Don't bother with them, they are worthless. P.S. Congratulations on your marriage. Don't let this get you down!
Amy Carissa Oliver
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644
10/17/20 at 3:52PM UTC
It's time to have a meeting your boss, his boss and HR. This is not the time to have a meeting by yourself with a verbally abusive and belligerent boss. Before you go to this meeting think about all of the stakeholders and answer these questions for yourself: (1) what do I want? (2) what do I not want? (3) how can I get what I want without also getting what I don't want?
Anonymous
10/17/20 at 2:48PM UTC
This is a form of Harassment. Your HR department should have an interest to help you (and prevent you from filing a lawsuit).
Anonymous
10/17/20 at 2:20PM UTC
Since this started after you were offered the internal transfer, this definitely meets the criteria to be called retaliation, which most places call out as forbidden in their Code of Conduct because allowing it sets them up for a lawsuit. Your boss made a huge mistake - as a manager your job is to grow your employees and it's always better to let them transfer internally because then you have an ally on another team and you can generally still access that person for help when needed. By blocking the transfer and retaliating against you, basically your only option is to leave the company entirely so he's going to lose you from his team and have no access to your skills going forward because you'll be working somewhere else. I agree with others that it's worth checking to see if you can transfer internally, but if it were me I'd probably just prioritize finding a job at a different company and leaving this one in the dust (unless I really loved working there other than boss's current lousy behavior). Sorry you're in this situation and best of luck that you get this sorted out soon.
Anonymous
10/17/20 at 1:36PM UTC
Thank you so much everyone for the advice & guidance!! This is extremely helpful. It’s nice knowing I’m not alone!
JYJ
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2.26k
10/16/20 at 1:27PM UTC
Definitely stand up for yourself! I also wonder if changing your vocabulary with HR would make a difference. You are now working in a hostile work environment and his behavior constitutes harassment. Just a thought...
EmpoweredGirl180418
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145
10/16/20 at 6:46PM UTC
It was the consistent complaints from multiple co-workers using "the work environment is a hostile work environment" that caused my friend's bully/boss to be escorted out of the building with absolutely no heads up warning.
JYJ
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2.26k
10/16/20 at 6:54PM UTC
Yes! Legal language usually gets any HR person with half a brain to do something.
Anonymous
10/16/20 at 1:05PM UTC
Really sorry to read about your scenario. Do you have regular coaching conversations with your boss? He could just feel threatened / disrespected, even though you didn’t intend for that, so may just need to have a conversation with him on instances you’ve noticed recently and that you’d like to discuss opportunities to ensure you’re continuing to progress. At the same time, if you have any champions / sponsors in your organization, I would also connect with them on how to navigate your current environment, especially since they may have more clout within the organization to help you grow. I totally feel for you and hope things get better soon!
Anonymous
10/16/20 at 1:04PM UTC
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I would agree with others to stand up for yourself and if the internal job is still an option- go for it or leave the company. When people show you who they are, believe them. Your boss is a bully and I know he would not have reacted the same way if you were a man. I had a boss do the same thing to me and I stayed for 5 years- miserable! Good luck!
BeaBoss401148
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22
10/16/20 at 1:01PM UTC
I agree that sometimes confronting it head on can be the best approach. I’d suggest preparing for the discussion with some bullet points on what you want to cover and how you’d like to see things going forward. You can start by telling him that you’re disappointed by recent interactions between the two of you and want to focus on improving your relationship going forward. Focus less on blame and more on resolution. Being well prepared will help if he gets emotional again because you’ll know what you want to cover and won’t get sidetracked by his emotions. If it gets too off track, you can always excuse yourself from the discussion and revisit it at another time when he’s in a better place to discuss in a professional manner.
Kelli (McGarry) Brezovsky
star-svg
53
Senior Diversity Advisor at Fairygodboss
10/17/20 at 12:55PM UTC
This is gold! Great advice!

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