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Need career advice
I am so frustrated with my job lately! I have worked there 14 years and done my current job for 9.
In the past 9 years I had two kids and the dept. re-structured so bosses who trained me left and I am supervised by all new people who do not know me or my work history. My co-worker has an almost identical work history to me but started 2 years later.
He has a SAHW and was given more opportunities to train on software. I have an employed husband with an erratic schedule. Our job requires travel, often overnight.
Since we re-structured my co-worker has been sent on any new large assignment in the area. These losses were split between us before my old boss retired. So after 2-3 years of all the new, large assignments going to my co-worker, I am now having to “train” with him to learn how to do the work (even though I used to handle this independently).
I have three bosses and expressed my frustration to one who said there is no issue with my work. I feel like he is just giving my lip service. I am so irritated and really don’t know how to handle this! I really feel like the bosses have all made a lot of assumptions about my experience and invested in my co-worker’s development at my expense. They all assume he has done the job longer and act like he is the authority on everything. Meanwhile, they treat me like I am incompetent.
I would appreciate anyone’s perspective who can relate.
Anonymous
12/15/20 at 7:33PM UTC
I relate. I was told point blank: your [male co-worker] will always be superior." And although this co-worker had followed me onto the team, my boss had it in mind that the co-worker had seniority. Crazy making. Yes, the big accounts go to the favored; I am not the favored. Even so, I had a male co-worker without big accounts who was respected. He was called "the Wizard". When he left I assumed some his responsibilities and started an initiative to improve on operations and was given ZERO credit. I'm pretty sure they think of me as the "the Witch". I spent some time ensuring I had done my part, but it's way bigger than me. I'm out of here. I have a stay-at-home husband (part-time) and still I face bias. You're situation sounds like something straight out of the book "Lean Out" and similar books. I couldn't turn it around at my company; good luck at yours (or elsewhere).
Anonymous
12/16/20 at 8:01AM UTC
My field is 80-90% men and all my supervisors had SAHWs when their kids were small. That was their choice but feels like I am being judged by the same standard.
Knowing you are being negatively talked about and incorrect assumptions are made about you does make you feel crazy.
My co-worker is the authority because he is loud and pushy. I am a quiet doer. It is obvious my company values his way over mine.
Anonymous
12/16/20 at 3:25PM UTC
Your last sentence is important even if the situation is not directly translatable. For 10 years I had an amazing boss and wildly enjoyable position. And I was good at the job. Then my dean retired and the department (very lucrative) was parsed out to different divisions. This meant a new dean. Now I'd known this person for years but they had very little idea about what I actually did. For those 10 years I 'let' the quality of my work speak for me. But I also should have been strategically informing other key decision of my skill sets and value. Being a quiet doer is good but it also means that not everyone will be aware of your competency.
Malissa 
Controller in the Agricultural Industry.
819
12/16/20 at 4:51PM UTC
Yes. Learn to toot your own horn. More than once I've had to look at a male coworker in a meeting and say, "We?" Delivered right you can get an admission that yes, you did indeed do all of the work.
Alisa BlumEnhancing Individual & Organizational Success
67
12/15/20 at 6:04PM UTC
Have you considered looking for a new job? You may be able to find an opportunity where your skills will be valued.
Malissa Controller in the Agricultural Industry.
819
12/15/20 at 3:41PM UTC
You mention the differences in home situations between you and your coworker. I think this is affecting more than you want to say. And I think you know that on some level, otherwise you would have never mentioned it.
I can personally attest to how useful it is to have a partner at home to handle things so that I can be more present at work. There was a conversation long ago in my household about how to balance out the work loads so one of us could succeed.
Yes there are households where two people have great jobs. Those households often have extra helpers such as housekeepers, nannies, or nearby relatives or friends that can be called in on a minutes notice to keep things running.
So first look very closely at all of that. A spouse with an erratic schedule and two young kids can cause interruptions at work.
Also go talk to your boss and point blank point out that Kevin has gotten 10 big assignments while you are handling all of the scratch. You may find out that Kevin isn't good at the scratch. You may find out there are bigger problems. Until you ask directly and not in a, "how do you think my work is" way. You may not get the answer you want, because you are not asking the questions you need to ask. And that may be all you need to do.
User edited comment on 12/15/20 at 3:42PM UTC
Anonymous
12/16/20 at 7:43AM UTC
My home life absolutely has an affect on my work. My co-worker gets to everything ASAP and can be gone however long. I cannot do that but I do my best to make it work. It is especially hard during the pandemic.
I did have the conversation you described with one of my bosses (we are all in different states). I said, I can do this independently, can I handle it. Was there been an issue with my past work that makes you think I can’t handle this? They told me no issue and still had me train.
I am going to take your advice though and ask why I am not getting any large assignments but all the piddly stuff.
Malissa Controller in the Agricultural Industry.
819
12/16/20 at 4:46PM UTC
Hope the next conversation with your boss gets you better answers. Good luck!
Anonymous
12/15/20 at 2:18PM UTC
If you both received equal performance reviews and pay. I'm wondering why your coworker is perceived as more competent and capable to be consistently assigned the larger projects. This has built over years so it seems to be the accepted impression that your management has of his work product,
skills and diligence. I would start breaking down ways you can build the same impression. For some reason that has not come across for you.
Assumptions of experience and skills are good for about 1 year, after which whatever impression your bosses have is based on working with you and what you have shown them. Somewhere during the past 2-3 years your full capabilities have not shown through. Your work impact has not been fully felt yet. You need to find opportunities to show everyone what you are capable of.
Anonymous
12/16/20 at 7:32AM UTC
I think much of the difference in perception is that my co-worker has a wife who can take care of everything at home. So he can get to everything ASAP, be gone however long he needs. I have childcare to figure out. With the pandemic, it is very challenging.
The issue with my skill perception is I haven’t been sent any decent sized assignments for the past 1-2 years.
I thought we were slow but since training with my co-worker I realized it was because everything was going to him.
Anonymous
12/16/20 at 3:03PM UTC
This smells of gender-based discrimination. And that isn't legal.
Therese NappierWaymaker
63
12/15/20 at 1:37PM UTC
Have you ever simply come out and told your boss(es) exactly what you want? With all the transitions, don’t assume they know how you feel or what your personal career goals are. If they haven’t asked, call a meeting and explain that you are ultimately looking to do X, Y and Z... but in the meantime, you’re going to be a team player and help where you are needed.
Anonymous
12/16/20 at 7:46AM UTC
I guess I need to do a better job of it. I cannot even begin to explain how the supervisors are structured but it is impossible to have the conversation with them all at once.
Jackie GhedineCoach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
4.91k
12/15/20 at 12:08PM UTC
Having three bosses sounds like a mess to begin with, is there one main direct boss that you report into?
I'm trying to follow along, what does your husband's schedule have to do with your work in the office? Have you shared accommodations you might need because of it? Not sure if it's relevant here but you mentioned it, so I'm asking to understand.
My advice, Instead of raising your frustration I would raise my value.
Call a meeting with all your bosses and talk them through your skill assessment, what you've done in the past, where your strengths lie and give examples of what you've managed, grown, lead and built in the past.
For whatever reason, this other person has asserted themselves as an expert and it's time for you to do the same. Confidently share your worth, value, experience and expertise without apology. Then ask for the next big assignment.
Good luck.
Lorraine Pierre-LouisAspiring HR Leader
47
12/15/20 at 2:10PM UTC
Great advice Jackie! I have experienced that same frustration before. The one good thing is I had an open relationship with my boss and was able to express my feelings. Sometimes just communicating how you feel can really help.
Gillianne HetrickHR Manager & Non-Profit Director
390
12/15/20 at 1:41PM UTC
I want to love the advice: Instead of raising your frustration, raise your value.
It's easier to complain or point out where others are doing things to you. It's more valuable to focus on what you are doing, what you have done and what you can do.
© 2021 Fairygodboss. All rights reserved.