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racism?
I am in high school and i have been friends with my best friend since kindergarten but i recently discovered that he thinks it ok to say the n word and im not comfortable with him saying but when i expressed this he said that his black friend said it was ok (he is also gay) and i feel as it is not my place to tell him not to say that considering i am also white. what should i do?
ridastill studying
25
09/08/20 at 8:48PM UTC
You can always share your opinion as you have known each other from a long time .
Anonymous
09/04/20 at 6:46PM UTC
Have the difficult conversation.
Anonymous
09/04/20 at 5:29PM UTC
It is completely appropriate for you to set the limit and ask him to not use ANY language around you that you find offensive, but, IMO, especially the "n" word... If he uses it in other places and gets "real time feedback" on how inappropriate it is, he could learn the lesson the hard way (though he may decide that he is being penalized for being gay rather than being extremely insensitive, offensive and clearly "clueless" as to the history, meaning and impact that it has had and continues to have on people in the black community - not unlike the "f" word to describe gay men).
The hard part of setting a limit, of course, is that he may not like the limit you set and react in a way that is uncomfortable for you - including walking away from the friendship. It's like when a parent tells their toddler, "no" (setting a limit), the toddler may have a tantrum. That doesn't mean that the limit was the wrong thing to do. You have to decide what's okay for you - and it's not necessarily going to be easy.
I am a "person of colour" (I think that's the first time in my over 5 decades of life that I have used that sentence!), but I would NEVER feel that I can be given permission (i.e. a "free pass") to use ANY word that has a history of being (and current power to be) disrespectful and dehumanizing to others.
JenInterdisciplinary Educator
138
09/04/20 at 5:17PM UTC
You set the boundaries for yourself and what you will expect from the people around you. Saying racist comments now could potentially lead to more actions later. "Locker room talk" never stops at the locker room. Those behaviors are not checked early enough because people are afraid to not be "nice."
The best advice I can offer (it took me FOREVER to internalize) is that "nice" is stupid. Nice means, "well, maybe they'll notice I am uncomfortable. They'll stop eventually. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable." Nice = doormat.
Kindness, however, is strong. It is setting boundaries.
"I don't like you using that word around me. So don't use it around me." (When he tests that boundary and uses it after you asked him to stop..."I told you not to use that word around me." Then, LEAVE. If he is your friend, he'll stop using that around you, and hopefully, stop completely.
Being kind means protecting and supporting your own boundaries.
Don't be nice. "Nice" is toxic. Be kind. Kindness is strong, resilient, truthful, and compassionate.
Anonymous
09/04/20 at 4:37PM UTC
It is not okay to say it no matter what race, color, creed, or sexual orientation. And I am a African American female. Because you are white gives you every reason to tell him that it's not okay and that it makes you uncomfortable. A lot of people, African American, freely use the word, but don't look at the meaning behind the word. That does not make it right. When someone outside of the black race uses it, regardless if they have "permission" to use it or not, it is not seen by black people as having the same meaning as if it were a black person saying it. Your friend is not always going to be around his black friend that gave him a pass to say it and that could spark a very negative reaction by others when he uses it.
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