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Antisocial Husband
Ok, maybe that’s the wrong term — let’s just say my husband is not social.
I’m actually a pretty big introvert myself, but on the weekends I’d like to get together with friends and their families here and there to keep in touch/maintain friendships. My husband is more about seeing a friend one-on-one on his own — having them over and watching movies in the basement, going to a concert, or to the movies. I asked him to go out with another family to a fall festival this weekend and he shuddered and declined because I didn’t give him enough notice and we’ve been “doing too much lately.”
I don’t like it. We have two little kids and I don’t want to come home after working all week to just run errands and sit in the house. So I’m bringing the kids myself to meet up with our friends.
This happens too often and it makes me question if I should stay in this relationship because it’s really a trigger point for me, but with two little kids I can’t just walk away. I’ve been with my husband for over a decade.
HannahRP
higher ed/ non-profit consultant
42
10/15/19 at 3:19PM UTC
I think that it is worth finding out a little but more about what is going on with him. I echo the other women here saying that perhaps a heart to heart could be helpful, but I also cannot stress couples therapy or counseling enough. You don't even have to go to couples therapy when something is wrong, but to build on a relationship so that your foundation is strong for your family and your kids as they grow up. Having a third person in the conversation would hopefully open him up to hear more about what he is facing, but will also allow you to be open about how you're struggling with how he is relational/ or not.
J.S. RomanI Love Challenges & The Hustle!
384
10/11/19 at 2:28PM UTC
Is he depressed? Low serotonin levels? Is he drained by the mere company of people? Does he get involved with the kids activities? Do you two go out on date nights without the kids? My husband can be the same way, although he prefers small groups and is perfectly fine with one-three social activities per month. He always knew I was a social butterfly, so i'm perfectly comfortable that he's not around. He's comfortable and grateful knowing that I can handle my own. While we do not have children, I can understand your situation to be more challenging. I agree with @LadyPele, have a heart-to-heart conversation, it could be that he's depressed or just a true introvert.
Goalsetter221622
17
10/11/19 at 12:59PM UTC
I am like your husband. I get overwhelmed in many social situations. I've been married 18 years and my husband has learned to deal with it. I try, but to get together with a large group, I need more than a week's notice to psyche myself up for it. Some individuals need more downtime than others. I would try to make a compromise with him. Try one weekend per month, we get together with other families or friends, be it a party or a festival, and the rest of the time, I'll let you be, as long as you spend some quality time with me and the kids. Then schedule a weekend (maybe the third weekend every month) that is for being around others. During holidays, ask him to consider more things and ask him how you can make it easier on him. I don't like the fact that I get so anxious around groups, or the feeling that I'm trapped and overwhelmed at large events, and we have an exit strategy on hand for if it gets to be too much for me. Its what works for us. You may just have to find a common ground or compromise for what works for both of you. If he's anything like me, he doesn't feel good about turning down those invitations and disappointing you, he just can't deal with it. It leaves me feeling horrible and sad sometimes, but I honestly can't help it. Good luck!
Lady PeleRetired Project Manager
3.96k
10/11/19 at 12:55PM UTC
Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about getting out and socializing? Maybe there is a compromise that once a month you'll let him hibernate and once a month he'll join you in a social activity. I do hope he's willing to go to your children's activities as they get older! Best wishes for finding a compromise.
Not Applicable
368
10/15/19 at 11:28AM UTC
He will go to things for the kids here and there, but every time it feelA like pulling teeth to even talk about it with him. Like it pains him — but he will do it here and there. I went to a festival with the kids and my friend/her husband and kids this weekend and my husband felt like a jerk after the fact that he didn’t go, and he explained he didn’t realize whole families were going. I think we have a communication problem! He said he’d join next year, which means he IS trying to some degree.
Anonymous
10/11/19 at 12:19PM UTC
I had the same issue with my now ex-husband. He wouldn't even go with me when it centered around the kids. One year, I took my kids to Disney with my mother-in-law due to him wanting to save his vacation days to do what he wanted. I camped with my son when he was in cub scouts because my ex wouldn't skip a day of hunting. If I was ill, I still took my children to practices, if I asked for help, he would tell me no. At first, my social life was planned around hunting and sports on a TV, eventually I started leaving him at home and enjoying myself with our children. Needless to say, I was able to be real independent and not need him.
Anonymous
10/11/19 at 4:28PM UTC
I think you did the right thing and kicked him to the curb. Marriage is a commitment between a couple. It's about giving and taking. I've watched chic flicks, sat outside the dressing room while my girlfriend tried on a 100 dresses, I went to many boring functions to support the wonderful woman I love. That is what we do when we commit to unconditional love.
Anonymous
10/11/19 at 5:14PM UTC
100% agree! It was a tough decision, but one of the best that I've made.
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