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How to deal with low social intelligence?
Soon, I’ll be hanging out with my father-in-law. And I was telling a group of my friends the other day that I wish we got along more and they were asking why we didn’t in the first place. I couldn’t pinpoint why but he has sudden emotional outbursts, thinks that people are overly sensitive, doesn’t really seem to be aware of how others feel and genuinely lacks empathy for others.
After talking it through, my psychology friend had the lightbulb moment about how it sounds like he has a low social IQ and I think that’s exactly right! Because I know he doesn’t mean the way he acts but when he’s generally put into social situations, I can’t relate to how he reacts. Understanding a little more about what having a low social IQ entails would be helpful on figuring out how to prepare to hang out with him. Is anyone else dealing with this? Any advice?
Anonymous
12/23/19 at 8:25PM UTC
My MIL is sort of like the above described. Her opinions can drive me crazy sometimes, BUT she has an extremely compassionate heart and is very giving... just awkward in social situations and self-absorbed. Whenever she says something that drives me nuts, I just bite my tongue and remind myself that she does mean well and she is kind at heart. That really helps me... that and wine. ;-)
Anonymous
12/22/19 at 7:06PM UTC
Hi, Thanks for writing about this topic.
I met someone from a paid professional Job Search Group online and connected with him [and others in the group] on Linkedin.
I had one-on-one conversations with him and quickly noticed unusual social behavior, feelings, and thoughts. I semi-dismissed my suspicion that he was autistic in some way although it continued with every text and conversation. BTW, he is 61+yrs old, had cancer, divorced, 3+adult children, Army vet-world traveler [somewhat].
I feel sorry for him and dont want to be mean. I am at the point of asking him to stop texting/communicating with me. He is socially distant at work [DoD contractor manager] with no real friends and family. He is alway alone.
Is there a good way to ask him if he was diagnosed with autism/Asperberger's.?
Gina DiamanteNews Editor at KPBS, San Diego's PBS/NPR station
880
12/21/19 at 4:38PM UTC
Talya's answer is a very good one. I am the mother of a 20-year-old Aspie, and I ought the same things she did when I read your question.
Are there particular topics that do tend to interest him? Those might be the things to stick to, although you might find yourself learning more than you ever thought you could about a particular subject! For my son, that's cars or physics. And sometimes both put together!
Have you noticed anything that triggers the emotional outbursts? When my son was younger, it was change and the unexpected. He got a lot of help at school in learning to control his reactions to things, but even today if he feels that control slipping, he will remove himself from a situation. It's very likely your FIL never got that kind of training or help, so you might exercise that option yourself. It's OK not to engage. If withdrawal is not an option, then simply react calmly. Do not rise to the outburst, ever; it merely escalates problems.
As has already been said, you're not going to be able to change him. All you can control is your own reactions. (And really, that's the case even when Aspergers is NOT involved.)
Talya MarshI just happen to be on the autism spectrum
58
12/24/19 at 11:31PM UTC (Edited)
Emma Miller,
I have never met you or your FIL, but from the way you describe him, it sounds like your FIL may have what used to be known as Asperger's Syndrome, now Autism Spectrum Disorder. The reason I am asking is because I have a SEVERE case of Asperger's/Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 2 (was a late diagnosis at the age of 27 in 2011; re-evaluated as ASD level 2 at 35) Do these traits sound like him (you have to have at least 4 traits to be an Aspie)?
-Have a hard time understanding body language or social cues
-Avoids eye contact
-Wants to be alone or will want to interact but not know how
-Have extremely narrow, sometimes obsessive, interests
-Talk only about themselves and their interests
-Speak in unusual ways and an odd or flat tone of voice
-Have a hard time making friends
-Seem nervous in large social groups
-Clumsy or Awkward
-Refuses to change rituals, such as bedtime routine
-Develop odd or repetitive movements
-Have unusual sensory reactions such as sensitivity to lights, sound, touch, tastes, texture, crowds
-Tends to lack empathy (usually lacking cognitive empathy)
-Tends to take things literally or be very literal minded
But these traits are from the old DSM-IV (1994). According to what the specialist who re-evaluated me recently said, half of those who would have qualified as having Asperger's years ago no longer qualify. In addition to replacing autism subsets (Asperger's, PDD-NOS, Childhood Disintegrative Disorder, classic autism, etc.)with "Autism on a Severity Scale," the American Psychiatric Association added Social Communication Disorder, a disorder similar to Asperger's, when the DSM-V was released in 2013.
If he does match these traits, his outbursts are actually what we in the autism community call "Autistic Meltdowns" and they are caused by overstimulation (usually too much sensory stimuli).
The pros: If he does have Asperger's, it'll answer as to why he is the way he is. Also if he can get an actual diagnosis and is still working, he may be able to get accommodations.
The cons: If he does have this, there are very little to no services or supports for adults on the autism spectrum as everything is geared towards children.
Autism Spectrum Disorders are also genetic in most cases. I mean do you recognize these traits in other members of his family? When I got my diagnosis, over half of my mothers side of the family discovered they had milder cases.
And like Rose Holland said, you can change how you react to him. Try being a little more sensitive to his needs
Rose Holland
935
12/20/19 at 12:48PM UTC
First of all know you cannot change him. My FIL really has extremely low IQ as well. The good news is that you can change how you react. Do not take his outbursts personally. Set firm boundaries and explain to him why is behavior is not appropriate. Honestly, he probably has no clue and no one corrected him or confronted him. In dealing with him be calm and discuss specific behaviors that you will not accept and explain why (e.g. you are yelling at me, we are adults and if we disagree we should be able to talk not yell at each other).
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