I have a hard time fitting in

Question

I have been at my current role for a little over a year now. I am the most junior in the admin team at my current company. I feel completely isolated and ostracized by the team. No one speaks to me unless they need me to do something (Order their lunch, unclog the sink, watch the phones while they eat lunch together in the conference room right next to me). I understand that while making connections is a two way street, when I have tried to reach out to them to hang out after work, they have respectfully turned me down. I later found out that they all went to happy hour together instead. I have walked into the kitchen multiple times in the mornings and all of then would disperse and walk out gradually. I have done nothing but everything they have asked me to do to show that I am a hard worker and they hired the right person for this administrative role but that has gotten me into a position where they think I will do everything they tell me to. I find myself very isolated at my desk everyday in a pin-drop quiet office environment. I know I will be leaving this role soon, and I love my supervisors who I support. How do I tell them the real reason that I am leaving is because my team is very much a huge clique and that they don't speak to me outside of handing off their work to me.

Anonymous · Answer

I really feel for you. It is so hard to be isolated from your coworkers. I worked for a company where the management and their favorites were like this. It was awful because nothing I did changed anything except make me a target. When they had a layoff, I was one of the first to go (I knew I would be)--after I trained my replacement who ended up with twice the workload she had before. It was so bad, my manager figured out how to get a severance package and was gone before I was! We still keep in touch (20+ years). She was a wonderful ally. Right now, I work with a lot of millennials and I sometimes feel the same way about being ignored but it's a large company and I've been here quite some time. I have a lot of friends in other departments I've worked in or with. If you don't have that option, it's time to look for something else if you need people like I do. Connections are important to me--at work and outside of the office. Take care of yourself first. Good luck!

Deanna Cabrillas · Answer

Company culture is huge and it sounds like this one isn't the right fit for you. If you can't bring your authentic self to work everyday and be accepted for who you are, then it's not a good place to be. When you leave, I would let them know that the company culture wasn't a good fit. There are amazing companies out there that will accept you and all the skills you bring. We each have a unique perspective to bring to the table and it's important to work for a company that sees that and appreciates you for who you are. Best of luck to you!

Anonymous · Answer

I am also an admin who spent two years eating lunch alone because my co-workers have been together longer and have established friendships. I eventually started making friends outside of my team by attending company events and generally making my presence known to other departments. I am in a much better place now because of friends I've made elsewhere. I am planning to leave my team soon and a poor fit is one of the reasons. I myself have brought this up already to my leadership team and unfortunately there's not much they can do. I play a certain persona when I am with my team just to get through the day but then I unwind by hanging out with my other work friends. I hope you will be able to find a new role or a method that would give you a break from the isolation. All the best.

Melody Johnson · Answer

This post caused me to flashback to being a teenager. Especially the part about no one speaks to you except when they need you for something.  The teens at my old church  only talked to me when they wanted me to watch their purses or needed to sit by me because it was the only empty theme park ride sit available.  I had to sit at a table by myself once because everyone rather overcrowd one table than to sit by me.  That was decades ago.  But, it is crazy that adults still act like kids in a negative way.

You already have been offered some good career advice.  So, all I'm offering is a virtual hug!!!.  Also, do you have any creative hobbies or a fitness routine that can counteract the stress of the job?

Please update us on your new job when you get one.

LEG · Answer

I have been in these shoes exactly. It is belittling. I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but in many cases adults in the workplace are well aware when they are behaving this way. In my case, my coworkers were all white women (yay, non-profits!) and I was the only Latina in the department and they treated me as such. I'm sorry you have to go through that mess and have your intelligence and humanity insulted. The last straw was when a women took credit for a proposal I wrote and when I brought to my boss, I was accused of being negative and told my writing it was just a learning experience anyway (I had zero help and have written proposals in the past). My advice is 'screw em' and find a place with workers who are respectful to people from the bottom up. I would not break my back for people like that to like me.

Anonymous · Answer

I’ve been in this situation too many times sometimes you don’t fit in and that’s ok. I’ve also learned jobs will do things to get you to  quit . But it makes you think why did they hire me in the first place? Sometimes they are just filling a need. Be confident do what needs to be done forget making friends your leaving anyway. Definitely tell them why and what they could do better but I’m 100 percent sure they have did this to others and they know what they are doin unfortunately. But good news you will find another job that values you and is inclusive! ❤️❤️

westiegloria · Answer

Isolation is unfortunately a cruel technique that some employers use when they have decided not to continue employment for an individual.  I have seen this used by bosses and it is the lowest of behaviors on their part.  You are better than this and need to be aware that it would be in your best interest to look for a better job while continuing to work there.  This is not a positive environment for you.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm glad you broached this subject. I've been in my job for over a year and a half and I eat alone everyday. When my supervisor is out, I can go all day without speaking. I've started making a couple friends in the department next door, who understand that as an extrovert, this is driving me insane.

I asked for help from my supervisor, noting that the siloed nature of our department meant that I don't get to know anyone. I was hoping I would be assigned projects with others, but he likes to keep those projects to himself. I think it's just the culture of this place. It's not as mean-spirited as your situation. They just often hire their own graduates and promote from within. A lot of people eat at their desks or in their cars.

I didn't grow up here, and my hobbies are not the same, so I often feel left out of discussions. Moments of inclusion sometime feel suspiciously like pity. Yet, it's much better than my previous job, where even though I had a huge social circle, I realized that work friends are not necessarily real friends. It's better to find your tribe outside of work, IMO.

Anonymous · Answer

Was in this situation once, I hated it and it brought myself esteem. I left, I couldn’t take it

I have a hard time fitting in

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