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Anonymous
08/08/19 at 3:23PM UTC
in
Career

I have a hard time fitting in

I have been at my current role for a little over a year now. I am the most junior in the admin team at my current company. I feel completely isolated and ostracized by the team. No one speaks to me unless they need me to do something (Order their lunch, unclog the sink, watch the phones while they eat lunch together in the conference room right next to me). I understand that while making connections is a two way street, when I have tried to reach out to them to hang out after work, they have respectfully turned me down. I later found out that they all went to happy hour together instead. I have walked into the kitchen multiple times in the mornings and all of then would disperse and walk out gradually. I have done nothing but everything they have asked me to do to show that I am a hard worker and they hired the right person for this administrative role but that has gotten me into a position where they think I will do everything they tell me to. I find myself very isolated at my desk everyday in a pin-drop quiet office environment. I know I will be leaving this role soon, and I love my supervisors who I support. How do I tell them the real reason that I am leaving is because my team is very much a huge clique and that they don't speak to me outside of handing off their work to me.

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Melody Johnson
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52
09/11/19 at 5:03PM UTC
This post caused me to flashback to being a teenager. Especially the part about no one speaks to you except when they need you for something. The teens at my old church only talked to me when they wanted me to watch their purses or needed to sit by me because it was the only empty theme park ride sit available. I had to sit at a table by myself once because everyone rather overcrowd one table than to sit by me. That was decades ago. But, it is crazy that adults still act like kids in a negative way. You already have been offered some good career advice. So, all I'm offering is a virtual hug!!!. Also, do you have any creative hobbies or a fitness routine that can counteract the stress of the job? Please update us on your new job when you get one.
Liz Bui
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156
Goal Oriented Go-Getter
09/11/19 at 5:11PM UTC
This is exactly how I picture describing my work situation. It's almost like a sorority since most of the job specs dumped on my plate is something "they have all done before" which to me translates to hazing. I grew up pretty isolated going through school as well and I finally found my self esteem in college and my early years working at great places and I feel like just one year where I am has set me back so much. I hurt myself in a car accident this spring so have been forced to me inactive until very recently. I am working out again once a week to try and combat the work stress. I feel great right after it but by the end of the day, I know that working out only helps me physically and mentally (temporarily) but ultimately I need to get out of this place. It's like being in an abusive relationship that you keep coming back to. Hoping for positive change in my career in the near future. Thank you for your kind words!
LEG
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46
08/20/19 at 4:15PM UTC
I have been in these shoes exactly. It is belittling. I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but in many cases adults in the workplace are well aware when they are behaving this way. In my case, my coworkers were all white women (yay, non-profits!) and I was the only Latina in the department and they treated me as such. I'm sorry you have to go through that mess and have your intelligence and humanity insulted. The last straw was when a women took credit for a proposal I wrote and when I brought to my boss, I was accused of being negative and told my writing it was just a learning experience anyway (I had zero help and have written proposals in the past). My advice is 'screw em' and find a place with workers who are respectful to people from the bottom up. I would not break my back for people like that to like me.
Liz Bui
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156
Goal Oriented Go-Getter
08/20/19 at 4:34PM UTC
This is absolutely the shoes that I am in. The only thing that is different is my team is with a diverse group of women (latina, filipina, russian, white) and I am asian. I have never felt so belittled in my life, like the lowest on the totem pole and not respected. All the work that I do, equates to work that a high school graduate can do (ex: filing paper work for them, answering their phone lines, buying snacks, etc.). They take credit for EVERYTHING even when I saved my supervisor a cookie since he was in a meeting and they took credit for that as well.... I just don't understand it, and at this point I don't think it warrants anymore of my stress. Hoping to leave ASAP. Thanks for your kind words!
Anonymous
08/12/19 at 8:04PM UTC
I'm glad you broached this subject. I've been in my job for over a year and a half and I eat alone everyday. When my supervisor is out, I can go all day without speaking. I've started making a couple friends in the department next door, who understand that as an extrovert, this is driving me insane. I asked for help from my supervisor, noting that the siloed nature of our department meant that I don't get to know anyone. I was hoping I would be assigned projects with others, but he likes to keep those projects to himself. I think it's just the culture of this place. It's not as mean-spirited as your situation. They just often hire their own graduates and promote from within. A lot of people eat at their desks or in their cars. I didn't grow up here, and my hobbies are not the same, so I often feel left out of discussions. Moments of inclusion sometime feel suspiciously like pity. Yet, it's much better than my previous job, where even though I had a huge social circle, I realized that work friends are not necessarily real friends. It's better to find your tribe outside of work, IMO.
Anonymous
08/12/19 at 11:18PM UTC
OMG. This is so relateable and I am so sorry you are in this situation. I think if there was a way out, I think you should take it. Situations like this take a lot of effort that is put in all the wrong places, like fitting in, or finding other ways to meet other departments. You should use your skills at a company that appreciates it and with a team that appreciates you and honestly, EATS LUNCH WITH YOU. Let me know any updates!!
Deanna Cabrillas
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162
Word Ninja
08/10/19 at 8:41PM UTC
Company culture is huge and it sounds like this one isn't the right fit for you. If you can't bring your authentic self to work everyday and be accepted for who you are, then it's not a good place to be. When you leave, I would let them know that the company culture wasn't a good fit. There are amazing companies out there that will accept you and all the skills you bring. We each have a unique perspective to bring to the table and it's important to work for a company that sees that and appreciates you for who you are. Best of luck to you!
Anonymous
08/10/19 at 2:50PM UTC
Was in this situation once, I hated it and it brought myself esteem. I left, I couldn’t take it
Liz Bui
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156
Goal Oriented Go-Getter
08/12/19 at 12:56PM UTC
My self esteem is taking a major toll. I sit every day at my desk and wonder if it is me, sometimes successfully blaming it on myself and who I am. Ultimately, I am unapologeticlly myself. I work hard and that mentality is toyed with at my current company. Hoping to find something more fitting in the near future! Thanks for your response.
Anonymous
08/10/19 at 2:27AM UTC
I’ve been in this situation too many times sometimes you don’t fit in and that’s ok. I’ve also learned jobs will do things to get you to quit . But it makes you think why did they hire me in the first place? Sometimes they are just filling a need. Be confident do what needs to be done forget making friends your leaving anyway. Definitely tell them why and what they could do better but I’m 100 percent sure they have did this to others and they know what they are doin unfortunately. But good news you will find another job that values you and is inclusive! ❤️❤️
Anonymous
08/09/19 at 4:08PM UTC
I really feel for you. It is so hard to be isolated from your coworkers. I worked for a company where the management and their favorites were like this. It was awful because nothing I did changed anything except make me a target. When they had a layoff, I was one of the first to go (I knew I would be)--after I trained my replacement who ended up with twice the workload she had before. It was so bad, my manager figured out how to get a severance package and was gone before I was! We still keep in touch (20+ years). She was a wonderful ally. Right now, I work with a lot of millennials and I sometimes feel the same way about being ignored but it's a large company and I've been here quite some time. I have a lot of friends in other departments I've worked in or with. If you don't have that option, it's time to look for something else if you need people like I do. Connections are important to me--at work and outside of the office. Take care of yourself first. Good luck!
westiegloria
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80
08/09/19 at 2:48PM UTC
Isolation is unfortunately a cruel technique that some employers use when they have decided not to continue employment for an individual. I have seen this used by bosses and it is the lowest of behaviors on their part. You are better than this and need to be aware that it would be in your best interest to look for a better job while continuing to work there. This is not a positive environment for you.
Anonymous
08/10/19 at 4:08PM UTC
This exactly. I was a receptionist for a company years ago when I was starting out, and I have never worked with a more cruel group of people. I’d try to be friendly and approachable and what not with them but when I was told to “mind my own business,” one day I never opened up again. They laid me off saying that I was a poor fit for the organization. This was back in the day when your insurance benefits kicked in 3 months after you started. 2 months and 28 days into the job, I was gone. You are not alone and please find something that deserves your hard work and skill set. Some cultures still foster this “little people” type atmosphere. It serves no one well. It makes me want to physically hug my office building where I am now every morning when I walk in. Use this as a learning experience, and good luck. The next place won’t be like this I am sure.
Liz Bui
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156
Goal Oriented Go-Getter
08/12/19 at 12:54PM UTC
Thank you for this!! I am so glad you can picture the situation that I am in. praying for brighter days and bigger futures ahead. So happy that you found a place you belong!
Anonymous
08/09/19 at 3PM UTC
Thank you for this! I completely agree that isolation in any form is not healthy for individuals. I'd like to think that my supervisors are not trying to do it on purpose, since they are quite busy majority of their day, but I do truly believe that my "team" finds satisfaction in watching me be alone at my desk while they outwardly sit in the conference room next to me and eat lunch together. It really is a horrible place to be in and I am doing my best to make the best decision on what company would be a right fit for me in the future.
Anonymous
08/09/19 at 1:32PM UTC
I am also an admin who spent two years eating lunch alone because my co-workers have been together longer and have established friendships. I eventually started making friends outside of my team by attending company events and generally making my presence known to other departments. I am in a much better place now because of friends I've made elsewhere. I am planning to leave my team soon and a poor fit is one of the reasons. I myself have brought this up already to my leadership team and unfortunately there's not much they can do. I play a certain persona when I am with my team just to get through the day but then I unwind by hanging out with my other work friends. I hope you will be able to find a new role or a method that would give you a break from the isolation. All the best.
Anonymous
08/09/19 at 2:58PM UTC
Thank you for this! I have tried to reach out to different people at work but majority of them work much longer hours than I do, so they aren't available to hang out outside of work. They also can't leave their desk for lunch. Or, the people who do have great work life balance and leave their desk for work, all hang out separately outside of work and are hard to penetrate the group. My company is so small that there isn't a way for me to branch out anywhere. I am really glad that you found a way to make it work for you and congrats on the coming change!
Jennifer A
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968
08/09/19 at 9:17PM UTC
Just because they can't hang out after work doesn't mean that you cant have a relationship with them. You can have an electronic relationship with them. I was feeling like I didn't fit in with my department at an old job. Once of the things I did was start the 'joke of the day' email. It started with one person that I shared an emailed clean joke with then grew it from there. The 5 minutes I took each morning looking for a joke turned into a bunch of new online relationships with many other people in various departments. Later, when we had company events, I would seek them out and those relationships grew. We rarely hung out but some of these folks have been great online friends at the office and after I left, because great social media friends. Several have gone on to become high ranking members of organizations and are now my best references.
User deleted comment on 08/09/19 at 1:30PM UTC

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