How to deal with adverse coworkers/managers

Question

How does everyone deal with passive aggressive and/or manipulative coworkers or managers?  I'm not good at initially reading people but once burned will remember and act accordingly to distance myself to workplace conversation/impersonal conversations only with said person.  I recently left a job due to a manager whom was described to me - after conflict surprised me - as insecure about my intelligence.  That sounds arrogant, I know, but that is what a coworker told me.  I had to leave that job because I didn't know how to deal with the manager's subversive actions.  I had never encountered a manager that would actually try to make someone fail.  I had encountered coworkers who would try to undermine me and could deal with that by performing my job over expectations.  Does anyone have any good insights about how to identify these traits in others in initial conversations so I can be prepared and not surprised when the hammer drops?

Dr. Sarah Ratekin · Answer

I cannot recommend highly enough these two books:  'Crucial Conversations' and 'Nonviolent Communications'. I think they really should be required reading in all schools, actually. Very powerful tools especially in cases like this.  (NVC has actually been using really successfully in significantly tense international political discussions, like in war zones, for example)

Miranda Wilcox · Answer

First, you don't sound arrogant. And even if you are the smartest person on earth (which would be very cool!), them being intimidated by you says much more about their weakness than it does about your strength.

As for detecting people who may undermine you, the phrase 'expect the best but prepare for the worst' comes to mind. It usually serves us well to withhold judgment and give people a chance to show what they're made of.

We can't connect with people if we aren't willing to demonstrate some level of vulnerability. That said, it's prudent to be smart about how much we do that and when.

The best thing we can do to protect ourselves, without sabotaging potentially valuable relationships, is pay attention--observe, notice, and listen to new acquaintances and those they interact with--and be intentional with how much we reveal in response to what we see.

Guadalupe Orozco · Answer

I feel that confidence today is wrongfully being labeled as arrogance. I was once told in a promotional interview that 'my confidence was great, but confidence didn't mean experience'. I took it as what it was, a manager feeling threatened or intimidated by my positive and motivating attitude towards a job promotion.

I would say not to belittle yourself in order to adapt, but adapt to with the intent to learn what works with that individual and what doesn't. Often times, we have to play the role of a team player and ignore our personal feelings in the work place. But unfortunately, not everyone develops the skin to do so. It's definitely best not to take their actions or comments personal. Especially because psychology has proved that it probably comes from a place of insecurity. My advice is simply to observe, note and adapt to what can positively and negatively impact the relationship. All while helping them and you unconsciously develop better management skills.

Katie Henderson Ladyboss752675 · Answer

It is a mark of maturity to get along with different types of people. Not that easy to do, of course! I learned a lot by studying the Myers Briggs personality types. When you understand the different types, including your own, it makes it easier to like them. A small gesture of outreach often does wonders- a smile, remembering a birthday, offering a marijuana brownie (just kidding but you get the idea). You need a sense of humor too, because most people's lives are hard and anything you can do to lighten their day will be appreciated.

Anonymous · Answer

You are not alone. Literally just had a very similar interaction with my hopefully soon to be former boss. Sad to say, but it seems that intelligence, and skill level seem to matter less than playing than being manipulative and playing the victim. I guess we intelligent professionals just have to let bullies win in the pond they're in and move on or we will have become more Machiavellian.

How to deal with adverse coworkers/managers

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