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Grieving in the workplace
Hi all,
Going to talk about something on a bit heavier note. I am currently experiencing the (very slow) death of a loved one. It's taking a toll on me and my mental health and it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.
I work in retail (unfortunately). While I normally am pretty peppy, today I just...wasn't. And people in my workplace were visibly upset that I wasn't smiling. I get it, put on a brave face for the customers, "leave your problems at the door", etc. But I also feel as if it is okay if I don't have happy days all the time. I am allowed to feel more than one emotion, much to corporate's disdain.
But what made me feel so much worse was my colleagues telling me things like "you should smile more," "way to be a ray of sunshine," and even one boss calling me "babygirl" to get me to smile. Once I told him not to do that he replied "so what am I supposed to do to get you to smile?" I felt disgusted and even worse that people were on my case about not having a *facial expression*.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle grief/mourning and working? I haven't been faced with this obstacle before so I'm not sure what to do. Any advice is appreciated.
Kim Moore
19
10/10/19 at 6:06PM UTC (Edited)
I'm sorry you're going through this. My advice (like CN said) is to go to your HR Leader and investigate company resources. I've been in retail for a long time with more than one company and if Target is where you work then definitely talk to the HR in your building. They care and can bridge the gap between you and the manager.
Some things to ask about in no particular order:
- Leave options. FMLA is not your only option for time off. There are other options (although may be unpaid)
- Ask about support services. Many companies have them, including Target. They go by different names but look for something like "life resources".
- come prepared to discuss solutions. Losing a talented person before the holidays in retail is not something they want to happen. But don't put the entire burden on them.
- Consider they're in full on preparation mode, not a lot of time, hiring and training new seasonal workers who may expect preferential treatment, existing workers altering holiday schedules, making demands etc, could be the reason they cited for not making exceptions. Since you know the company operating expectations coming with potential solutions that will benefit both parties yet being willing to adjust and consider other options should be appreciated and give them a basis to help you. Things like I know they're trying to help boost my mood but can they pull me aside privately vs in front of others, more freedom in when I can take breaks, Can schedule be moved around, temporarily work shortened shifts, shifts without as much customer traffic, move to a different area etc
It might not be ideal with holidays approaching but how can you still be productive and beneficial.
- If HR at your location can't help, go to the top your store director. Most companies have a "hotline" where issues can be escalated to headquarters. Information about this is usually posted by the required labor postings.
- check online company resources. Part time employees get perks at many organizations and can be accessed thru a website. Ask HR or a veteran coworker. You might find discounts or other perks that can help as well as links for more substantial help.
Good luck
CharlizeRoad
314
10/11/19 at 6:20PM UTC
Really helpful advice, Kim!
Anonymous
10/10/19 at 3:51PM UTC
Been there, friend. I'm sorry you're going through this. Grief is such a complicated thing that I'm not sure anyone who hasn't lost a loved one can understand. I didn't until it happened to me. I know it's hard - but when I lost my grandma I would use all of the happy memories I had of her to get me through the day (and quite honestly, take bathroom cry breaks) and then go home and just really be able to FEEL things! Sending you a super hug.
Anonymous
10/11/19 at 1:39AM UTC
If I start crying, I won't stop. I can't cry during breaks (my face gets wayyyyy too puffy and red and it's very obvious). I would get called into the team lead office IMMEDIATELY if they saw me upset. I want to avoid that as much as possible. For now, I will try more self care and meditation. Eating healthy and working out are my favorite things to do when I'm this stressed so wish me luck. Thank you for your kind words and support.
BansheeBaileyFormer law firm accountant, now retired.
918
10/10/19 at 5:43PM UTC
Thank you. My condolences to you as well. I’m shy about of initiating hugs, but I do appreciate getting them.
Katelyn KuehlAlways working to make things better!
519
10/09/19 at 3:29PM UTC
I am very sorry for your loss. As I was just on bereavement yesterday to attend a family funeral and celebration of life, the timing of this is just ironic. I just breathe and continue but I notice and love that people are respecting my space and time I need right now. My company was also so amazing to send lovely flowers for the event itself so that was nice. I don't need people to tell me nice things, I just need to know they are here if I need them.
BansheeBaileyFormer law firm accountant, now retired.
918
10/09/19 at 8:37PM UTC (Edited)
My mother died a year ago. I let people say whatever occurred to them to say. It’s awkward. It’s the kind intention that counts, and I was grateful that they showed up to honor my mom’s memory and give me a hug or kiss.
Katelyn KuehlAlways working to make things better!
519
10/10/19 at 5:33PM UTC
I am sorry for your loss. <3 I am not a touchy person so the hugs for me are tough but I understand.
BansheeBaileyFormer law firm accountant, now retired.
918
10/10/19 at 5:45PM UTC
I think I replied to the wrong post. ? Thank you, Rialiama. My condolences to you as well, and I’m glad your loved ones are giving you what you need right now.
BansheeBaileyFormer law firm accountant, now retired.
918
10/09/19 at 12:03AM UTC
As long as you’re not rude to the customers or crying on the sales floor, why does it matter whether you smile? It sounds as if you are keeping the situation to yourself, and that’s your prerogative.
Anonymous
10/09/19 at 7:50PM UTC
Because Target is all about smiling and being friendly during your work and if you aren't anything other than happy, they don't like you (no joke). Doesn't matter how hard you work, you won't get in the favor of management if you aren't fake and smiling all the time.
BansheeBaileyFormer law firm accountant, now retired.
918
10/09/19 at 8:32PM UTC (Edited)
Say no more. I worked for Target for exactly one day, as seasonal help after I retired. I was used to being treated with honesty and respect, and I wasn’t. I get the picture.
But you can be helpful and patient with customers (do they still call them “guests?”) without being fake. If that’s not good enough for your managers, tell them your situation. It doesn’t matter whether someone likes you or not; you can’t let them have the excuse that they didn’t know. They have loved ones too.
It seems to me that harassing you because you aren’t acting happy enough under circumstances that would make anyone unhappy borders on psychological abuse.
Then tell them you will do your best, then do try to do your best. Worrying about this on top of worrying about your loved one will not help you or anyone else. You are not in control of what happens (or doesn’t happen) with your loved one, so say a prayer and let it go. Say lots of prayers. That is out of your hands.
You DO have SOME measure of control over how you treat customers. And customers don’t care about whether you’re smiling and bubbly. They just want to get their stuff and go the hell home.
I wish the best for you.
Anonymous
10/11/19 at 1:37AM UTC
Yes they still call them "guests." And I am totally fine with customers. I help them find what they need to find, do the parts of my job I'm supposed to do, etc. I just do it without a smile on my face.
Today, I was told that I was being *grumpy*. I was visibly upset all day, but still did my job. I couldn't talk about my loved one without tearing up and told my colleagues I couldn't talk about it or I would cry. They understood and didn't ask anymore questions. ETLs will not be the same way. I communicated with HR that I had some family stuff going on, but all they said was that I needed to go talk to a team lead and the ETL for HR. So I have those extra steps to do.
I talked to my therapist and she agreed that moving on from Target is within my best interest and is not helping my mental state. It's nice to have a third party say it without being biased.
Thank you for your kind words. It does help.
See other replies
User deleted comment on 10/09/19 at 7:50PM UTC
LEANNE TOBIASInvestment real estate/sustainability
4.05k
10/08/19 at 11:15PM UTC
I am so sorry to hear about your loved one. I don’t know if any of the following suggestions are viable in a retail setting, but I hope that one or more might be useful:
1. Explain your situation to your colleagues and/or management, if you have not already done so. It might make them more understanding of your situation.
2. Can any sort of reasonable accommodation be made to help you out at this time?
Work in the back areas with stock more frequently?
Adjust your hours to low-traffic hours?
Arrange for more frequent breaks?
3. Does your company have an Employee Assistance Program that might help you cope emotionally at this difficult time? Is counseling available through your health plan or (if you attend) place of worship?
4. Are you eligible for any paid leave (sick leave, family leave, personal leave, vacation) to spend additional time with your loved one? Can colleagues donate unused leave to add to your time off? Does the federal Family Leave Act entitle you to any paid time off?
5. Let me recommend a book that has been very helpful to me: Still Here, by Ram Dass, a teacher of meditation from the Hindu perspective. (No need to be a Hindu to appreciate it.) The book is a guide to coping with aging and illness. The central idea is acceptance of your loved one, recognizing that it is no one’s fault that your loved one’s health has declined, and being present to bring the comfort you can and to bear witness to your loved one’s memories and life experience. I found that the book calmed my anger and anxiety and made me a better and more compassionate caregiver.
Anonymous
10/08/19 at 11:36PM UTC
I wish I could utilize some of your suggestions, but I have a lot of issues at my current store. I do not qualify for FMLA as I have been there less than a year. I also am not paid enough to be able to afford a plane ticket to go and see my loved one, so I can't use that suggestion. I can try and inform management, but unfortunately someone doesn't like me and I don't know why. Unless you kiss ass to all of management, then you won't be able to get where you want to go in the store. They do not offer insurance to any of the employees because they purposely schedule everyone to be under 40 hours/week so they don't have to give them a policy. They won't try to accomodate to my needs because...well they don't do that for anyone.
I will try the book and i will work out some solutions with my therapist this week. But my options look rather grim at the moment unfortunately.
User deleted comment on 10/08/19 at 11:31PM UTC
Rose Holland
935
10/08/19 at 9:54PM UTC
Are they aware of what you are going through? Some days are just tough and they need to understand. Let them know you are just having a rough day and barely hanging on if you need to. If you feel close enough to your coworkers, ask for their support.
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