Overbearing, Narcissistic, Gaslighting Mother

Question

I need some real advice (not “ . . . she’s the only mother you’ve got so just let it go . . .”. My mother is ridiculously narcissistic and overbearing (to the point she sued my husband and myself for custody of our oldest child  because she claimed we weren’t letting her spend enough time with our child - meanwhile she gives zero flips about our younger children) and a chronic gaslighted (she has actually lied about the fact that she sued us for custody - this court case is documented in court records so she is obviously lying). While she wasn’t granted custody, she did; however, receive visitation rights (along with other privileges similar to what a non-custodial ex-spouse would receive) because loopholes governing grandparents’ rights in our state allowed this suit to happen in the first place. Legally, she now has the right to intrude in our lives and be toxic around our children until the oldest turns 18. We can no longer make ANY decisions for our children without her and her lawyer stepping in if she doesn’t like our choices ( example: After I arrived back home from the hospital after giving birth to our youngest child, a letter from her lawyer was waiting in my mailbox. The letter stated that I had NO right to have our oldest child (and our middle child) with us at the hospital because my mother was more than capable of taking care of our oldest child that weekend. We had traded several visitation weeks due to my mother requesting various schedule changes throughout the year and this ONE request on our part in order for both of our children to be present the weekend that their sibling was born was treated like an actual crime - her lawyer had the audacity to threaten us with a court hearing due to this alleged violation of the visitation schedule). I am physically, emotionally, and everything else -ally exhausted by my mother’s manipulative behavior that NO ONE chooses to call her out on - even the people who clearly see that she is in the wrong. We can’t even move out of our current city until our oldest child is 18 because of the geographical restriction clause in the court order. We are literally and figuratively trapped and I’m at the point of a mental breakdown because all of this toxic behavior is being excused and justified. PLEASE ADVISE.

Anonymous · Answer

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  It truly sounds like a nightmare. My mother is manipulative sociopath, as well as a professional gaslighter. Thankfully, she doesn't have financial resources to ruin our lives, but she is stellar at making everyone else thing we are the problem. She has had similar problem with each of my siblings. Anyone see a common denominator? No? Ok, then...

I think one thing that is really important (and I don't think anyone has touched on)  is having open and honest dialogue with your oldest child. I have a child who recently turned 11 and she has an age appropriate understanding of what is going on. She has also seen the way my mother treats me and heard the things she says. We have largely been out of contact for about a year, but my daughter remembers it all. I recently found a notebook on the dining room table where multiple pages indicated she wished her grandmother would be nice.  Talk about heartbreaking.

Your mother has the ability to buy affection, so it is important to have candid conversations about what is discussed, and let your child know they can tell you ANYTHING that goes on with your mother and you will NEVER be mad at them for it. You may think they know this, but if they've been told 'this is our little secret' or 'don't tell your parents', they may think they or you will get in trouble. Be clear that they are the child and you mother is the adult and should be setting a good example. If she is not, that is not your child's fault. It seems so obvious, but I can tell you from experience, there is probably a lot being whispered that you don't know about.

Sorry this was so long and I really am hoping you find someone to appeal this horrendous decision. In the meantime, know that you are not the problem. Try to stay strong. Don't let her see how much it is affecting you, it will only bring her joy.

BansheeBailey · Answer

You need legal advice from a pitbull local custody lawyer who has seen all of this before and who knows your state’s laws inside and out. You may be able to find grounds to at least loosen your mother’s grasp around the neck of your family, or at least be in a better position to spot such grounds when Mom pushes her luck in the future. Knowledge is power.  And as Alison said, document everything. Good luck.

Anonymous · Answer

I hope that I will be of some help since I am also a child of a narcissistic mother, but please check out the forums at Out Of The Fog. They are a support group for those who have been through and experiencing personality disorder abuse.

I know this time does suck, but please know that you are not alone and there is help.

Anonymous · Answer

My mother is also terrible. My only advice is to not speak to her about anything except the child she has rights to specifically. As soon as that child turns 18 move very far away and change your contact information then NEVER talk to her again. Maybe consider having a different way of communication with the oldest child once they turn 18 (Skype, a separate cell phone, etc) so they can’t be manipulated into passing your contact information to your mother. Never speak to your mother again. Do not give her your address, phone number, email, anything. In my case, neither of my parents even know what city I live in so I can protect myself from her. She literally tries to have me arrested when I disagree with her...I was 28 the last time. Never again. I haven’t spoken to the person who gave birth to me in 3 years now and it’s the only thing that’s brought sanity back into my life and HAPPINESS. My husband and close friends are very supportive but she lies and manipulates anyone she can to be against me so I’ve gotten random phone calls and emails urging me to be a good daughter and stop being mean and hateful to my “angelic mother.” It’s maddening and sickening. My heart goes out to you, the gaslighting and manipulation is so hard to deal with, especially from a “mother.” Screw everyone that says she’s your mother and to forgive her. She’s extremely toxic and it sounds like she needed to be out of your life YEARS AGO.

Victoria Conly · Answer

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I honestly have nothing valuable to add here other than to offer my deepest sympathy for your situation. Is she still married or does she have a significant other who can intercede with her on your behalf?

Anonymous · Answer

This sounds like such a nightmare! From what little I've heard, it sounds like you are being controlled and harrassed by someone who may very well be mentally ill. It blows me away that the court would give your mother the power to be so disruptive over your lives--it's like the court has made you her prisoners! I agree that you need a really good attorney...one who cares more about helping people than how much money s/he can make from the case. If you can afford it, I would suggest finding a good therapist to help you cope with the stress of this. It does sound fishy that she has been given so much control over your lives, which leads me to wonder (as you have) if there was some financial incentive given that  made things conveniently work out in her favor. This just doesn't sound right.

EmpoweredGirl180418 · Answer

Going at your problem from different angle.  Have you spoken with an attorney or doctor about getting your Mother psychologically evaluated.  Not sure if having issues of that sort would cause the Courts to amend their rulings but it’s an idea.

Coach Nancie Kay Shuman · Answer

Is there anything you can negotiate with? Is there anything she wants?  Working with a narcissist is crazy making, but usually you can find something which they want more than what they have. If you can figure that key out, you can make changes.

Sorry, I know this sounds like a crazy direction to take. Put it down to my spending too many hours in Abnormal Psych classes. But how to survive crazy is really important. And sometimes you have to get one up on them.

(There are several very good books on being the daughter of a narcissistic mother.  While they won't help with the immediate problem, great resource if you haven't had a chance to read any of them.)

Anonymous · Answer

Does your child enjoy the relationship they have with their grandmother? If not, the child should be able to tell the courts that they don’t want to see her anymore. In our state the age is 14 but in some cases younger children have asked not to see someone they’re legally forced to see and won.  My stepson does not like spending summers at his mom’s and plans to significantly reduce his time spent with his mother (who does not have and has never had primary custody) once he turns 14. As far as we know, we won’t have to go to court to respect his wishes. So sorry you’re dealing with this, sending love. Xx

Anonymous · Answer

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. How old is your daughter? And how does she feel about the situation (and her grandmother)? Can that have any kind of bearing on the situation?

Overbearing, Narcissistic, Gaslighting Mother

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