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Friends of 20 years
So I’ve known these two women since I was in 3rd grade we have over 20 years of friendship. One does her best to keep in touch and the other one checks in with my other friend to get dibs on how I’m doing instead of reaching out herself. I moved 2 years ago to a different state and they completely changed stopped stopped calling and texting but I’ve noticed they both watch all of my social media stories frequently it’s kind of comical. One friend finally reached out to congratulate me on the move the other just laid low. I found out I was pregnant and shared the news with both and they both were elated and said they would come out to to visit, one made it the other wrote me a day prior saying “Oh I have a brides makeup to do I can’t make it” (yea sure). Fast forward my other friend makes it into town and I’m bombarded with questions what do you drive, where do you work, what does your boyfriend do for a living, are you all renting or do you own. I couldn’t enjoy myself because I felt like she was a informant Yikes!
My mom tells me that my friendship with the two lady’s is fading and being held on by my chin hairs. Neither one of my friends have kids and my life is more family, and career focused. I wonder why we are even friends sometimes.
Does a true 20 year friendship really fade?
Anonymous
12/16/19 at 4:42PM UTC
I think long-distance friendships (and even long-term ones) can be difficult to maintain. You became friends at a different time of your life and you grew up together, but now you have all grown into adults with different interests and personalities and lifestyles etc. Yes, you will always have a love for your oldest friends, but they may not be giving you what you need in terms of friendship anymore.
Anonymous
12/17/19 at 2:09AM UTC
Hi! I think you got the nail on the head. I’ve been looking for substance in a friendship and who doesn’t want someone they can vent to and have fun with! Thank you for your input I feel more at ease knowing that if the relationship doesn’t go anywhere else it totally ok.
Aubrea Ashe
75
12/16/19 at 2:11PM UTC
I'm so sorry to hear that you're growing apart from these friends. I recently had a bit of a "best friend break up". We just grew apart and live in different states now as well. You never know, you may grow close again in the future. Maybe in 5 years they are in a more similar phase of life and you kind of rekindle the friendship. In the meantime just be kind and hold them at arms length or wherever you're comfortable. Unfortunately you can't force these things. Best of luck, I know it's really hard.
Anonymous
12/17/19 at 2:11AM UTC
Your right I’ve been forcing it for years...because we have known each other soooo long but if I was ever to need something I wouldn’t reach out to them for fear of being judged I’ve been told maybe they aren’t true friends. Thank you for your advice!!
Anonymous
12/16/19 at 2:56AM UTC
I think that friendships can change over time and it's important to acknowledge that sometimes people get busy or sick or whatever else that makes them a "not good" friend. I have a lot of true friends of 10+ years that I maybe check in with once a month or two months, but I know they'd do anything for me - just as I'd do anything for them! Everyone needs different things out of friendships too. It's all about communicating what you need/want - just like with any other relationship.
Anonymous
12/16/19 at 3:16AM UTC
I totally get what you mean, communicating what I need is something we never had some maybe that’s why I’m hesitant but you are definitely right.
Anonymous
12/15/19 at 9:36PM UTC
Very true! One friend is very open she will pick up and she will fly out here send things for my kids and keep up the other friend I pretty much know her she doesn’t show up to things she doesn’t pick up the phone so I just let her be but we are still friends and I still love her like a sister I guess I’ve gotten older and am looking for a more natural friendship wine on the weekend, play dates with our kids, and just to have girl talk lol. Your right reaching out could help with this! Thank you!
Deauna GibbsComms pro to UI/UX
26
12/15/19 at 6:30PM UTC
Someone suggested reaching out to the other friend and I agree. I am terrible at calling or even texting people regularly, but it doesn't mean I don't care. When I do reach out to someone who I haven't heard from in a while, I try to go in with an open mind and assume life has happened to them the same way it did me.
Kimberly SullivanFormer stock trader now Realtor
188
12/15/19 at 1:44PM UTC (Edited)
Your Mom is right. Friendships change all of the time. You’ve moved in a direction that is different from your friends so you feel as if you have little in common. I’m sure they’re feeling the same way. It just happens. I don’t think you need to “get over” anything. It’s like this for now, but that too will change. I’ve had 2 friends for over 45 years and we’ve absolutely had our times in and out of each others lives for various, common reasons. The thing is, we always seem to find our way back especially when we need each other. We’re all very different women with different lives, experiences, etc. but we always have our core friendship no matter where life takes us. I like to jokingly say we “know where the bodies are buried” meaning our friendship is so long and we know each others beginnings, secrets from way back, families, etc. Please trust that you will all find each other again if you’re meant to. We did...
Anonymous
12/15/19 at 9:30PM UTC
You definitely said some key things! And made me smile about you and your friends so true! It’s a little hard to make new friends in the new state other than my co-workers sometimes that doesn’t go beyond the work place lol. Thank you for your advice!
User deleted comment on 12/15/19 at 9:27PM UTC
texinthecityformer NYC caterer & marketing/advertising gal
23
12/15/19 at 5:43AM UTC
Of course people grow apart. Get over it. Even 20 year friendships can end. Thinking otherwise is naive.
Anonymous
12/15/19 at 5:51AM UTC
There is nothing to get over just here asking questions from my fellow sisters and taking in essential advice. Thanks
BansheeBaileyFormer law firm accountant, now retired.
918
12/14/19 at 5:39PM UTC
These days people are more mobile and, at the same time, more isolated. They care but the idea of rekindling the former degree of friendship may seem overwhelming, depending on what’s going on in their lives. Call the other girl if you really want to keep in touch.
I am horrible at keeping in touch. Phone calls to people I haven’t talked to in ages make me guilty for not calling sooner. so I avoid calling even more. So old friends call me - or not. I don’t blame them, and I don’t blame me. But if you want to keep long friendships burning bright, sometimes you need to make the first move.
Anonymous
12/14/19 at 6:44PM UTC
Totally true! I feel the friendship is kinda dead but because we all have known each other so long they sporadically pop in and pop out to see what’s going on but it doesn’t seem genuine. I’ll reach out to see were the friendship is going thank you!
BansheeBaileyFormer law firm accountant, now retired.
918
12/15/19 at 1:56AM UTC
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Good for you!
Gina DiamanteNews Editor at KPBS, San Diego's PBS/NPR station
880
12/14/19 at 4:14PM UTC
In short, yes. Long term friendships can change or fade as the friends move into different phases of their lives. Been there done that myself with women I've known for nearly 40 years. It happens all the time. Social media has made it a little easier to keep up with people we haven't seen in decades, but the in-person meetings can be a little tough. Your "informant" friend sounds like she was looking for some kind of common ground with you. That happens with time and distance. It's OK; it's all normal. Appreciate the friendship for what it was and what it has become.
Anonymous
12/14/19 at 6:39PM UTC
I really liked what you said and you helped me look at it in a different way. I guess at my baby shower she was trying to catch up all within 2 hours and I was just enjoying the moment. You are right about appreciating the friendships for what they are or what they become. This helps me alot
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