Please Help

Question

Although this is hard to admit  I am the co worker who gets frustrated and says things about co workers ( a lot of times I don’t even realize I am doing it )  I need to stop I honestly dont know how ( I feel silly saying that ) yes I tend to be an emotional person  .....,   Also I am  very negative and work and would like to be more positive. Any and all help would be appreciated thank you very much

Lexi Carr · Answer

It's easy for some people to say 'replace all negative thoughts with positive ones' when you're naturally inclined to hate people. I know from experience.

What I've found is that I act out more when I'm generally frustrated in life, and stressed out. There are tons of different ways to handle stress (meditation, breathing methods, positive affirmations, laughter). But it goes past work - it's how you feel everyday.

Focus on eating healthier, being active, and making time for yourself outside of work. Self care is the best way to make yourself happy with yourself, and your happiness will leak onto all of your daily interactions.

At least, that's what I've seen from experience.

Crystal Rhineberger · Answer

My bff is this way as well and I end up listening and reasoning out with her. Because of this I reason out my concerns b4 saying anything, such as was problem A happening because of a personality clash, something I took personally, or a true concern affecting the work project? Can problem A be solved easily or will there be more tension? Usually once I have thought this out Im able to bring up the issue in a positive manner usually with the individual I need too

Joyce Meyer · Answer

Ty everyone I will be trying these things I appreciate it

Shirley Walker-King · Answer

I'm very proud of you for taking the first step to change a behavior you no longer want to display! May I suggest revisiting some of those situation (in your head) to figure out what was the trigger that changed your mindset to negative thoughts or responses.  Once you identify your triggers you can train yourself to respond differently.  It is very important that you do some soul searching to find out why certain situation trigger negative thoughts/responses. That will help our find the underlined reason you revert to negativity.  Once you identify the underlined issues you can address that then retrain your brain to respond differently.  Things to do when your triggers are on high alert; take a deep breath or two, count to 10 or snap your fingers before you respond. Then main thing is to stay committed to being a more positive person and even learning  to walk away.

Jennifer A · Answer

I am going to echo Butnyski in saying that it's great that you are recognizing the challenges in your life.  That is the first step to growth and often the thing that most people miss.  It's easy to see the problem in someone else, harder to see it in yourself.

There are two things I would like you to remember. 
1.  Change is hard.
2.  Creating new habits can take between six weeks and a year.

I say this to advise you that you are starting on a path and it can take a while.  It took you a lot of years to develop the habit of allowing your frustration to escape in unhealthy ways, now you need to retrain your brain and that might take a bit.  To do this, I would pick one thing - something small but impactful and chose that to work on.  Several books I have read and had success with recommend the following:
1.  Isolate one thing.
2. Take a bit to identify each time it you perform the action.  At first you will figure it out some time after it happens but as you start to pay attention, you will start noticing it closer and closer to when it happens.   For instance, start reflecting each day on the number of times you were frustrated and what triggered it.  The goal is to identify the triggers so that you can identify that you are starting to feel frustrated.
3.  Identify what you can do instead.  For instance, when I feel frustrated, even if I am in the middle of a conversation, I will take a deep breath.
4.  Get some help from those you trust.  If you are asking for help, people will reach out.  A trusted person at work is happy to help you by recognizing and more importantly helping you realize your triggers, when and how you responded.  This allows you to start keeping a metric and therefore seeing your progress.  If you don't see progress, I doubt anything will change.
5.  Reward yourself.  Just like we do with kids, set an achievable goal and when you reach it reward yourself.  You worked hard, you deserve a treat.

This won't be easy and I'm not going to promise you that people will notice and commend you on your progress.  But I promise you, you will feel better and they will eventually notice!

Anonymous · Answer

Follow the KUN method.  Before you speak, take a moment and ask yourself is what you are about to say KIND, USEFUL, or NECESSARY.  If not, keep it in your head.

meghanimmordino · Answer

Good for you for recognizing this and wanting to change. So I in order to achieve change I recommend starting small and then building off of that. Often times we lose momentum when wanting to change because we try too much too fast and it becomes so overwhelming we give up. Also, realize that change takes time and it also means you will sometimes fall down or 'fail' but that doesn't mean you aren't making progress. 
First, if there is a specific co-worker you find yourself being negative about consistently, start there. Try finding one good thing about this coworker and then when the negative thoughts start to infiltrate, stop them and say to yourself 'I really like X about this coworker'.

I do agree that this feels like a way for you to cope with stress...etc. Investing in yourself whether it be a walk every day (which I highly recommend), listening to your favorite movie or audiobook, reading...etc will help to provide an outlet. Try and invest consistently in yourself. I think a mix of controlling what you can i.e. thoughts and then having an outlet will help you to change.

Joyce Meyer · Answer

Ty good idea

Anonymous · Answer

Agreed with the other posters - to break a habit, you need to find something to replace it with at first. Every time you feel the need to vent about a co-worker, you could get up and take a short walk and deep breaths. By the time you get back to your desk, you might feel completely different!

Tarah Keech · Answer

Another way to retrain your focus is to make a list of what you learned from that person. Think along the lines of, 'I've learned that I want to behave ABC way because behaving the opposite can be abrasive,' or, 'Stating things that way is a selfish perspective, instead I appreciate XYZ and will try to do more of that.'

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