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Is my coworker gaslighting me?
I saw a few posts about gaslighting recently on Fairygodboss, and it's made me question whether I'm being gaslit at work as well! I've been working with another team on a project and one of my coworkers keeps changing deadlines and project details — and waits to tell me until the last minute. When I don't get something done in time (because he's moved up the due date without much notice), I'm always the one at fault. When I complete something as we discussed, he's always critical and tells me I should have known to do it another way — even though we agreed on other details before.
Is this coworker gaslighting me? If so, how can I stand up to him without losing my responsibilities with this project?
Alyssa N. Batchelor, M.S.
I put the lit in politics
66
09/21/20 at 3:26PM UTC
Not to be technical, but that's not really what gaslighting is. HOWEVER, that is a really messed up thing to do and my suggestion would be to fire off a quick email to them as soon as they send you something like "change of deadline need to be brought to my attention much sooner if we want to get this work done correctly." At the outset of a project, have them email you in writing the timeline and expectations so you have something to fall back on and show to them their pattern. They may not be realizing that they're doing it, or they could be toying with you.
Anonymous
09/16/20 at 1:54AM UTC (Edited)
Probably gaslighting. I would make sure you respond to his emails with changed deadlines while copying rest of the team and your boss and let him know you won’t be able to meet the deadline due to last minute notice and here’s your ETA on completion. If he tells you new deadline via phone, follow it up with an email to whole team and boss referencing the phone conversation just now. Document document document with those nasty coworkers.
Jackie GhedineCoach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
5.75k
09/12/20 at 12:18PM UTC
When I work with clients I always tell them to separate out the behavior from the intention. He is moving deadlines and expectations, that's the fact. Why he's doing that is the story you're creating.
Your goal is to get back into alignment so approach your conversation with him from an energy of collaboration and curiosity so that you aren't on the defense.
In speaking with him directly, simply say, "I want to make sure we are working in lock-step to complete the project. I believe we are both moving so fast that we are lacking communication on deadlines and expectations. What can we do to stay on the same page so we can best collaborate?"
This is direct and non-combative. It also gives him the opportunity to 'control' the next step which may be an underpinning to why he is moving so fast. Whatever his intention (or not) really doesn't matter. What matters is you addressing it head on so you can do your job appropriately.
Good luck
Taylar ToccoCommunications
53
09/26/20 at 12:05PM UTC
So true, Jackie! I was always hung up on why something was happening to me verus having a crucial conversation about it. I always viewed these types of conversations as confrontational, but through my experience, I have learned they are very much necessary.
In my experience, there were many miscommunications, whether they were done intentionally or not, they still happened to me, but I have learned to continue having these conversations when something doesn't feel right or is different than what was communicated prior. It's really about advocating for yourself and holding your space.
I have created many stories in my head in the past, but I have become more confident in myself and my work, and they no longer take up space in my head.
Thank you for your insight.
Kate BonDurant, PMPCreative Strategist | Passionate Culture Builder
72
09/11/20 at 10:30PM UTC
Great answers from Pona and Heather. I just wanted to add to remind him you're on the same team working towards the same goal. It's amazing how many times I've seen people forget that simple fact.
Heather Isley-SalazarAdm. Assistant in the Chicago-land area
193
09/11/20 at 9:15PM UTC
I recently read a Brene Brown's Dare to Lead. I love her books. This one had a great way of helping in this kind of situation. Asking what does done look like. His done and your done may be totally different. I love what Polina said as well, he may not be doing this on purpose. I'm sure he doesn't want to be stressed out about a project, and neither do you. Finding this common ground will help ease this tension between the two of you so you both can move forward in confidence this project will get done right.
Polina Gontova
64
09/11/20 at 8:33PM UTC
I would approach this from an assumption that your coworker does not do this on purpose and try to talk to him and explain how this impacts you. These are difficult times are many people are impacted in a ways we may not be aware of. Start the dialogue with empathy, try to understand why he is behaving this way and share how it makes you feel. Try to ask him for some specific things like allowing you x days before the deadline to review his deliverables, express his concerns about your deliverables in a more constructive way, etc.
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