Is Standing Up For Yourself At Work Bad?

Question

So I have been miserably unhappily at my job as an entry screener at a hospital. However, when I am at work I put on my happy face and still put in a 100 percent and that means helping my co-workers when I need it. However,  I have also had to stand up for myself. I had to stand up and say no I cannot work four 12 hours shifts, no I can't work 48 hours a week because I already have another job taking care of my mom. Then I had to stand up and say listen I can't keep working night shifts because I have to get my son to bed and off to school the next morning and that leaves me with five hours of sleep because I have a commute to work. I said  'How about we negotitate?' I can work a night shift on the weekends and then on other days when I am not working for my mom I can do a few 8 or 10 hour shifts. As long as I am not having to stay til 9 at night. Well my supervisor is cutting my hours, she is planning to promote someone who just started a few weeks ago who I trained to be a supervisor and seems to like bouncing me from one building to the next despite knowing that it's hard for me to do alot of working due to a back injury that makes my legs weak. I feel like I am being tortured for standing up for myself. Since when is it wrong to stand up for yourself and not let yourself be steam rolled. I know the other two women being promoted put in 50 hours a week with no complaints and I am looking for a new job somewhere else but I just can't figure out why I am being kicked and knocked down. Mind you none of my co-workers have been treated like this and one of them has made it a hobby to call off all the time and the other one is always mouthing off to the boss.

Amy Carissa Oliver · Answer

I want to preface what I'm going to say with: I am going to tell you some very hard truths, but please stick it out because I am also going to give you some advice that should help.

As a manager, I find that it is very difficult to ever make everyone happy. I always try my hardest to accommodate everyone, but I can't always do what everybody wants.

You have placed a number of parameters around your work. You can't work past a certain time, you can't work on certain days, etc. You're unhappy with what's being asked of you and you're unhappy with other things you feel are 'being done to you' as result of your requests.

It does not sound like you're being punished. It sounds like you're getting whatever is left after all your requests are accommodated.

I know that you have a very busy life and you have a second job and a child. Your supervisor is doing the best they can to accommodate you and what you need while also having to take the other employees into consideration.

I know you are also upset over the promotion of a junior worker. However, consider what that promotion entails. Maybe it requires 50 hours a week and being available until 9pm or 10pm every day of the week. And even if it isn't written as that, maybe that's the kind of person the boss is looking for to fill that position. That would mean the promotion is not right for you and you are not the right person to fill it at this time. The hospital is likely promoting people who can lead in particular ways, especially during COVID, and you have other things going on that prevent you from being the leader needed.

I once had an employee who refused to work before 9am or after 5pm, and turned off her cell phone on weekends and holidays, despite the fact we were in a 24-hour business. She then claimed I was punishing her because she didn't get opportunities akin to what other staff received, including specific account work, trips with clients,  and promotions, bonuses, and raises. But those other staff were working 60 hour weeks, answering calls from myself and clients at weird times, and generally finding ways to help their boss and the business. When it came time to reward people for working hard, I always picked the people who kept me and my business running.

I know that that's hard to hear, and I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong. You have other priorities in your life and that's okay. Work doesn't have to be and isn't always the first priority for everyone.

But at the same time, remember that the people who are giving the hospital a little more priority are going to get better shifts and better tasking because the boss has to try to keep them from burning out while they're working so much in a strenuous environment. Those people are also going to other things that you may not get, like promotions and raises. And while you may feel that you are more deserving due to your tenure, right now, what the hospital needs in leadership may not be you.

What I would suggest is sitting down with your supervisor and having a candid conversation about how you would like to help. Maybe you can't offer to help with more hours but maybe you could take on certain types of work.  For example, if your position is allowed to do paperwork, maybe you could take care of all of the paperwork every shift you work to free up other staff. That would get you off your feet. Think through areas where there is stress and strain and offer to help in those areas. If you're feeling open to hearing some hard truths from your boss, you could also ask what you need to do in order to be considered for a promotion in the future; but be prepared because you may not receive an answer you'd like.

Just as an aside...I recently sent out a 360 anonymous review in which my supervisors, superiors, direct reports, peers, and other people I work with regularly will get to provide me with feedback.  I know already that I have things to work on, and while many other people doing this are scared to receive feedback, I am looking forward to it. The reason why is because while I know that I have things to work on they might not be the things that my organization needs me to work on.  We are all clouded by our own perceptions of ourselves and situations around us. So while you may feel that the work environment is being unfair to you, your supervisor may feel they are scrambling to help you as best as they can given the circumstances.  Consider how your peers and your supervisor would feel if they saw this post from you; do you think they would agree with your perception? If there's any doubt in your mind, then that's the trigger for a long conversation with your boss. You're feeling cornered and your boss doesn't know it; your boss probably thinks they're doing everything possible to help you and trying not to put additional strain on you as much as they can given what's happening.

Taryn N · Answer

As someone who has faced similar concerns in the workplace, I completely sympathize with your puzzlement over a retaliatory boss who seems to have interpreted your assertions and communicated limits as a threat to their authority.

I have noticed in your post that you use a lot of “I can’t”s and “No”s.  I am unaware whether you are saying these exact phrases to your supervisor or not, so take this with a grain of salt.  In future communications consider when approaching supervisors to assert your boundaries, that a “no” or “ I can’t” even when paired with conciliatory statements such as “I have to leave early to pick up my son, how about we negotiate” can be triggering for supervisors and bosses who are insecure in their authority.  A small change that may improve your supervisor’s perception may be for you to eliminate the “no”s and “I can’t”s and start by expressing that you are dedicated  to your job while following up with the reasons why you are unable to work and a proposed solution.  For example, “I want to help out the team, but I have a family commitment that conflicts with this shift.  I can work these times,  [fill in the blanks], if that will help.”

That said, you are definitely within your rights to assert boundaries around work and your personal life.  It can be tough not to question yourself in these situations.  Try to remain calm and continue to show up as you are doing.  It is worthwhile considering new opportunities as it is not a good situation to have a supervisor who is unsympathetic to your needs for work-life balance and is being retaliatory (e.g. reducing your work hours).

Meanwhile, hang in there and best of luck!

Elise Pilkington · Answer

I'll try to put this kindly. I totally get that family commitments limit your ability to be as flexible as your employer would apparently like. You have a life too, and people who depend on you. This has to be a really tough time for a hospital, and it's understandable that employees who do have that flexibility to work longer hours are prized and even promoted over those who are more limited in what they can offer. It seems logical to me that after you said you weren't available to work longer hours or certain shifts, you would be scheduled for fewer hours. It seems logical to me that someone who is flexible and available for random/short notice work assignments would be preferred as a supervisor candidate over someone who is not. (Part of the supervisor's job is to ensure that contingencies are covered, is it not?)
I think this is all adding up to maybe you need to be patient with the promotional opportunities this job offers right now with the combination of your family obligations and the pandemic. Or, perhaps this isn't the right job for you. If you worked in a doctor's office, for example, some of the long hours would not be an issue. 
Best of luck to you.

Anonymous · Answer

Red flag for a bully boss or toxic workplace? I am very helpful and while most people respect this and they respect the few boundaries I place, there was one boss who didn't and used it against me (you're not a 'team player' -when everyone knows I am THE team player, and other gaslighting). I told upper management recently: it's a disservice to ask folks to speak up in this environment (without support). Bias and retaliation are real. If it's worth the effort you could address the issue (brush up on assertiveness and bullies), otherwise wishing you a quick and successful job search!

Trish Metts · Answer

Are the excessive hours related to COVID? In the food and logistics industry we are having to ask our team to make more and more sacrifices of their personal time to get the work done. While many industries have been laying off and furloughing employees we cannot keep our shift fully staffed.

Whatever the case, you are creating boundaries to protect you and your family. You have every right to expect them to be honored.

Please focus on you and your family and try not to compare your situation to others - you are not them, they are not you.  Until you find a suitable replacement for this job, may I recommend that you take short breaks for breathing exercises (4-7-8 breathing - look it up - it's life changing - I promise) when you are annoyed or you feel yourself hyper focusing on the negative aspects of the job and the people there. You don't have to leave your station and no one will even notice but you will feel the calm.

Good luck to you - may you find a work situation that is more positive.

Madam anon663 · Answer

Amy Carissa Oliver, fantastic response, and you sound like a great manager!

Anonymous · Answer

I’ll take the counter, as someone who has to schedule coverage shifts in a hospital in this unique time. 
You were hired as a screener. Assuming they were upfront about what the hours & nature of work would be, to the best of their knowledge at the time, you knew what you were getting into. That means it’s time to seek another position, elsewhere. 
Where you work is always a choice. Healthcare is great because it is super secure and allows you do do something for money that also makes you feel good about yourself. It’s not so great in that it is a 24/7 industry and most jobs are quite physical (even my IT management position.) It is important in an interview that the nature of work and expected work hours are brought up: if you are looking for a half-time position, it’s not fair to the employer to apply to a full-time slot. 
I hope a position becomes available that is mutually functional for you and your employer!

Terrie Stearns McWhorter · Answer

The comment 'we are more than where we work' rings really true. Most of us are brought up thinking that it is the be all end all situation. But when you pull into the parking garage at work, if you feel like bawling and have to coach yourself just to get out of the car, it is time to get a new job. Whether you are a manager or not, home-work balance should be a priority. Ask for a sit down with your manager.  Practice the night before, have 3 points that you would like to hit on and the reason that you are bringing them up. When you sit (at home) and look at what you write, think of yourself in your managers shoes. If you were the boss, what would be a good approach, what would YOU like to hear from your employee when they come to you for a sit down chat. Long ago, when I was walked all over at a job, I told my dad, 'I don't want to bite the hand that feeds me.' Dad gave me some wonderful advise, 'The hand that feeds you is your own. It isn't your managers or the owner of the company.' Best of luck!

Lynette Hall · Answer

Destiny - first, I am sorry this is happening to you and second,  you are an amazing women with great communication skills and third, it is more than okay to stick up for yourself. Most every organization has an 800 number OR HR Partner that you can connect with, especially in the COVID and Diversity supportive climate we are in. Do some digging and see if you can find that source and keep looking for another position. Make sure you find a way to enhance your resume. But stay positive and be polite  but firm about your availability. It is always the right thing to do to stand up for yourself, unfortunately you are correct, it is not always accepted OR rewarded.

Rebecca Lee V · Answer

When you started were your work hours set?

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