I left a toxic place a few months ago due to a difficult boss who was retaliatory and pretty much had it in for me. She turned the head of our section against me and when I left, saying farewell via Zoom of course, he did not wish me well. She basically told him so bad lies about me, i.e. made up that I disappear for days. When I resigned, he just nodded. I was a very good worker who had a great rapport with him from the get-go, but she was a Queen Bee and tarnished my rep with him.
Well, she's apparently moving on to a new job and he's still there. There's a good chance I'm going to run into him at conferences and that we may need to get along for the sake of future partnerships. So, how do we work this out for the sake of business? I'm willing to let things go if he's willing to be civil and at least say it's too bad things went sour, can we start fresh? I think he knows deep down that she was an awful boss and that he allowed her to toss me under the bus.
7 Comments
7 Comments
Anonymous
01/25/21 at 8:26PM UTC
I would just be cordial for the near term and leave it at that. If there is an opportunity to speak down the road at least you will have had several cordial interactions to base a more indepth discussion.
In my opinion one person cannot turn a person's entire relationship and regard sour. He had his own reasons to go along with it.
User edited comment on 01/25/21 at 8:27PM UTC
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Malissa
614
Controller in the Agricultural Industry.
01/25/21 at 8:28PM UTC
When you run into him just treat him like nothing bad happened. Just be nice and do him the curtesy of not holding anything about the situation against him personally.
1
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AJ Mitchell
36
DOES IT ALL
01/26/21 at 9:11PM UTC
Congratulations to you for finding a better opportunity.
Yes, you can repair a bad work relationship. My personal experience was different than yours. I was promoted over a friend and became her manager. It took time and patience but eventually I earned her respect and trust. You can do the same.
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Farah Bajwa
220
Manager | Mentor | Consultant | Coach
01/26/21 at 11:13PM UTC
I agree with everyone here that there is always the possibility for repair so long as both sides are open to it. Right now, you're thinking ahead and maybe me causing you to over think the situation. Let it be for now. Like the rest have said be cordial the next couple of interactions and if the opportunity presents itself, let him know you'd like to start fresh. He can choose to accept or refuse. Once you put the ball in his court, you've done your part.
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Erin Beemer
287
Product Developer | Change Maker | Growth Minded
01/27/21 at 1:38PM UTC
I agree with much of the advice above. Keep any interactions you have professional and cordial and do not harbor any resentment (for your own well being more than future partnerships).
While I might even go as far as a supportive/encouraging comment on linkedin or similar, I wouldn't recommend something direct to "set the record straight." I think seeking him out may make you look defensive. If the real goal is to only be professional should it be required in the future, then that is all that is required of you.
Besides, it is one person's opinion. You know your worth, I wouldn't waste your effort here.
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Shawn M. Pelletier
52
Gender Equity Consultant
01/28/21 at 4:53PM UTC
If there is the chance you will run into him, there will be lingering feelings (either real or imagined). Be professional and nice any time you bump into him. If you do have the opportunity to work with him again, I suggest you ask him if you can talk to "clear the air." Please stay away from blaming, and think about how to professionally address any differences and take ownership for your part in it. Keep it short, professional, and honest and I'm sure you both will be on a better path forward.
From my own experience, once both parties had a chance to talk about it, clarity appeared! This was usually followed by a level of understanding and things got easier and felt better. Most importantly, things got naturally better and there was less tension.
Understanding their side or actions doesn't mean approval or acceptance, but it allows you to better understand where the other person was coming from.
1 Reply
Anonymous
01/28/21 at 5:27PM UTC
Thanks for your response. I see your specialty is gender equity. This was a very unfortunate, uncomfortable parting. It was a male-dominated workplace and I think the men wanted to stay out of an issue between women. My boss was one of the only women in a position of true power there and they let her do her bidding when it came to me. I ended up under her thumb and it was pretty miserable there. I had the subject expertise, she had the political clout.
The supervisor I think I will run into was always very happy with my work and it was disappointing to realize how easily he tossed me under the bus. At times, I wish I just approached him to discuss the problem but based on a few instances, I became convinced he wanted nothing to do with the situation.
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