Questioning Career Choice

Question

My boss’s boss criticizes everything I do; nothing is good enough. I am not alone. Just since February 2020, 3 people have resigned from the company because of him and I’m very close to becoming the 4th. I have reached my threshold of tolerance. I have spoken to HR, but the c-level executive of our team refuses to move me to another team. I am now questioning my career choice and even my intelligence because of this man. I have worked for this company for 4 years, but was on a different team until January 2020. I used to love my job, now I dread it every single day.

Rachael Sheppard · Answer

People don’t leave careers because they do poorly, they don’t leave a job Because they can’t hack it (those are some reasons but not most). The number one reason people leave a job is..... there is a bad boss. You have 3 options. You can keep your head down and nothing changes, you can prepare to leave and have the boss be none the wiser, OR you can have an honest conversation with your boss. Let them know “when I hear this I get frustrated because I feel I am not doing enough” or “when I am doing my best and I hear ________ I feel defeated” “what can I do for a little more wiggle room without ______ behavior?” “I work best with some space to grow, is there an opportunity that I can show this to you with a project or task?” Talk to them. Always use I statements because the second you start using a you statement their back gets up. But communication can help. If it turns out negatively at first, give it a minute or a day, sometimes it takes time to soak in. If they aren’t willing to work on it then it’s time to go. You taking the initiative might surprise you.

Barb Hansen · Answer

Although it's hard to remember this when you are in the midst of bad situation --- bad managers are just that, they are bad at their job.   Their inability to lead is not a reflection of who you are.

My advice:  Get out of that job as soon as you can and don't let one (or two or three) bad actors interfere with your career.

Kristyn Parker-Meyer · Answer

I was in your exact position. I even started going to therapy because I was so depressed over it all. She actually taught me that my superior was gaslighting me. I hadn't even heard of it before that. But she was deliberately doing things to bring me down and make me think badly of myself. I also went to HR, but they wouldn't do anything. I did end up leaving, and it took me about 9 months to get my mental health back to a good spot after being in that toxic environment.

Audra Henderson · Answer

Sorry you are feeling this way and going through this.  The writing is on the wall, you need to move on.  You went to HR and others in the company and nothing has changed.  You cannot change people, and if others left because of that person, this issue is not new.  Only you can make yourself happy.  I know this is a time of uncertainty and there are a lot of people unemployed.  There are other jobs.  Do not doubt your career choice.  Is your current career your true passion?  If yes, find another job network and use your contacts.  If it's not your true passion, figure out what your true passion is and move toward that goal.  You may have to create the job you want.  This pandemic taught me one really important thing,  that life is short and you need to live your best life because it can be gone in a snap of a finger!  Good luck!

Sophia Burrowes · Answer

I am so sorry to hear this, but I wish I could say you are alone.  What you are describing has been and will continue to happen.  This pandemic offers all of us an opportunity to review what will truly make us happy.  The pandemic has also allowed us to see the deficiencies in many organizations.

As stated above, you should have a conversation with your manager to address the issue.  Unfortunately, the behavior will likely not change given 3 others have resigned. And, depending on the influence the individual has in the company, HR may not do anything either.  All you can do is address it professionally and then determine what your next step is based on the outcome.

Stephanie Nelson · Answer

First, please know that while you may be feeling somewhat alone in this stuation, you are not.  Prior to the pandemic the largest percentage of people leaving jobs were due to bad managers and toxic environments.  That said, it is always better to be proactive than to allow yourself to end up feeling like a victim, in any situation.

If you feel comfortable having  a conversation similar to the one suggested by Rachael (above) then that would be a good start.  This will either solidify what you are already feeling  and 'allow' you to move on or it will help to create some positive change in the environment.  If you are past the point of being comfortable with that possibility then it may be time to move on. No one should feel inadequate in a work environment (n any environment).

While the pandemic may make this feel like a terrible time to leave a job, it is honestly a good time to reflect upon what truly makes you happy. This is a good time to take a step back and assess your talents, see where else you can lend value, make a list of all of the skllls you have to fall back on. This is a good time to pivot. Yes the market is tight at the moment but there are opportunities AND there is ample opportunity right now to connect with people via LinkedIn etc who are more open than ever before to lend an ear, advice, even become a mentor.  Start digging into your network and connect with people who may be able to lend clarity. directtion, connections, insight, inspriation contacts and advice!

LEANNE TOBIAS · Answer

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

It seems clear that the problem is neither your career nor your intelligence, it is your boss's boss.

Until you find a better job or can transfer within your company, please remember that this executive's comments are not personal to you-- he is treating others the same way.

In addition, if you were unintelligent or poorly suited to your career, it is unlikely that the C-suite manager would have insisted that you remain on your current team. This suggests that you are valued.

Suggestions on coping until a transfer or a new job comes through:
   -Use your home life and friends to uplift and rejuvenate you.
   -As others on this thread suggest, look for a new job.
   -Identify any colleagues who get along with your boss's boss and ask them for tips on maintaining a strong relationship with him.
   -If you have not yet done so and have a good relationship with your immediate manager, discuss this situation with your manager and ask for suggestions on how to best handle it.  (That said, evaluate carefully if this suggestion is worthwhile. If your manager will take your candor as an indication that your performance is lacking, don't confide in your own boss.)
   -Every time you receive an unwarranted criticism from your boss's boss, default to an empowering thought or calming memory.  Empowering thought might be something like: 'It's not me, it's him.' 'I'm now stronger, because I can rise above this.'  'I can cope with this because I am steady, strong, resilient and productive.'  'I am valuable.' 
    A calming memory can be your favorite vacation spot, or a place in which or time that you felt especially powerful or secure.
  -It sounds like your boss's boss is a micromanager-- otherwise he would let your boss manage your work. Sometimes, micromanagers respond well if you are hyper-vigilant, keep them meticulously apprised of your progress, cc them on all relevant emails and frequently check in about rules, standards and expectations. After you have earned a micromanager's trust, they often ease off.  If this sounds like your boss's boss, you might consider this strategy.
  -Do other colleagues feel as you do about your boss's boss? If so, it might make sense to approach HR as a group to demonstrate the depth/breadth of the problem and suggest that the company address it to improve employee productivity and morale.

Kathleen Beeman · Answer

I think you have some great suggestions above and I also have to say that I've been there and the emotional/physical toll it takes is important to listen to! When I had a very toxic boss it was important to me to document things with very specific details for HR. Going to them without dates, times, and details can make it hard for them to fully understand the issue and if you aren't speaking to the manager directly about the impact that will always be the first thing HR will say. I recommend talking to your manager as suggested by the other posters and also documenting these conversations as best you can so you can let HR know the full extent of the situation. My toxic boss went on a rampage right before she was let go and tried to cause harm to people's careers and it was really important and helped to get her fired that we started clearly documenting and focusing on the situation, behavior, and impact of her actions on the team and the business. Do not be afraid to also look elsewhere. You deserve to feel better and to be appreciated so start looking for new roles and know what it is that you need to feel supported by a leader so you can look for companies and managers that live those values!

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