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Crystal Rhineberger

2.29k

professional rofl nevermind lets just wing it

07/31/20 at 11:19PM UTC

Lifestyle & Relationships

How to be more supportive

So really needing some advice here, I feel I’m bombing the supportive role. During life you get to navigate some hardcore rough situations. How can I be more supportive than just listening to a friend who has an alcoholic in the family? We are both only children who had been put in charge of parental happiness (we have overcome that), we are both a shoulder alot of emotional debt in relationships, but unfortunately she was working for the other party. Its been a constant stream of up and down for her and I feel as if Im a broken record w “Im sorry” sigh “this is repeating history” I totally get counseling now when you deal with addicts and they tell you expect setbacks But how do you positively cope w another person who won’t keep help going?

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Brittany Cyran, MPH (she/her)

Customer Success & Public Health Professional

08/09/20 at 9:34PM UTC

The fact that you are asking shows how much you care! Your friend is very lucky to have such a supportive person in their life. Perhaps the next time you talk you could ask what she needs from you. Something like - "I know this has much such a difficult time for you, and I want to be a supportive friend. What is the most helpful thing that I can be doing to support you?" Your friend may just want someone to listen, she may want someone to make her laugh, or she may want advice. And then perhaps you could ask what else they need that you may not be able to provide for them. That could be great opportunity for you both to brainstorm additional support resources.

Gina Salmins

Technology Lead at Johnson & Johnson

08/06/20 at 3:50PM UTC

I am in a relationship with similar circumstances around addiction and parental happiness. I can relate to the struggle of feeling like you are bombing the supportive role. The comments shared are so helpful. Sometimes when we have the same conversations over and over, I just want to say it's not your fault or that was in the past, let's move on! But I think there is guilt in enjoying things when loved ones are struggling. So I always try to reinforce that they have a right to be happy. While some things are out of their control, how they react and move forward is their choice. What helps my relationship move forward in a positive way when these downward cycles happen, is reflecting on the things that are going well, no matter how small, and the things we are looking forward to.

Dalia Caudle

Content Creator/ CEO

08/04/20 at 8:21PM UTC

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Situations like these are difficult to navigate. I would have a conversation of what are healthy outlets/ small things that make them happy and go from there. For instance one of my friends that goes through a lot of up and downs likes cute dog videos or if I send her workouts to do. So depending on what things help distract your friend momentarily this can help stray away from focusing all your energies on the negatives. I hope this helps. Remember you both will get through this and while it seems like this season in your lives is never ending everything is temporary. You will both get through this!

Crystal Rhineberger

2.29k

professional rofl nevermind lets just wing it

08/04/20 at 10:20PM UTC

Thank u! This does help, it had been a long season in this situation. A few years ago we had to accept the “functioning alcoholic” and that was a ground breaking ordeal for us

A M

207

Events Manager

08/01/20 at 4:59AM UTC (Edited)

Hi! It’s easy to feel you are “bombing the supportive role, especially if you have both been each others shoulders for a long time AND she has consistently had ups and downs. Sounds like me at some point in my life but individuals in that space can be emotional vampires and can really drain you. Sometimes support can mean not saying a thing and then just distracting her or changing the subject altogether. Often when lives have had to navigate rough course situations more frequently than not, the individual gets caught up in that and perhaps they could feel that without that particular aspect of the friendship you two share, there would be little friendship or perhaps she/he could feel that there would be no purpose to their day or to spend time with you. In other words it can be so easy to just get trapped in a circle of the rough stuff that she/he forgets to talk about the good stuff. One of my close Friends used to listen, then simply say, I Hope it all works out for you, or I’m sure you’ll figure it out -you’re smart- - they are also ways of empowering them while they are down. It’s never easy especially if dealing with someone who has a dependency issue in one of the members of her family. If that is taking up most of the conversation time at the moment then perhaps educating herself/himself could help and doing some research on the illness. I could also suggest an idea I used to use to prompt diverse conversation in my class- make a list of conversation topics or buy a few newspapers or magazines and when you meet, you simply pull one topic out or look at a page and ask her “what do you think about that?” Just to avoid talking about personal issues for awhile. In terms of the alcoholism, support groups are helpful, but she/he would have to want to go. I found solace in reading. I actually read a book called “7 weeks to sobriety.” It explained what happens to the alcoholic to become an alcoholic. When a person becomes addicted to alcohol, their body no longer processes alcohol the same way a regular person would and in a sense, it becomes a chemical addiction- like heroin and so the body becomes addicted to the chemical,, the alcoholic had to drink more to reach that initial “high” and so the illness arises and is hard to get a hold of. This book was interesting as the mother who wrote it lost her son to alcoholism and the lack of help at the time allowed him to fall through the cracks. In researching chemical compounds and our body, she discovered there is a way to reset your body’s chemical makeup after years of drinking to reset it to the point where it was before alcohol chemical addiction happened. Overall it’s an interesting read and I found it quite helpful. As for the Bombing of the support aspect, Perhaps if you don’t already do this, consider meeting at different places when talking with each other. I know it’s a little harder to do now with COVID but if it’s usually at a house, walk through a park, easier to distract and lift someone’s spirit. Perhaps a nail salon one day, or a spa (when they open) etc.. change the location of where you guys speak every single time so if at least you feel you are providing other environments where her /his spirits can be lifted, other topics of conversation can take place and instead of saying I’m sorry, you can say “wow, look at that” or support with pleasantries. Another dear friend of mine actually once told me “I’ll give you 3 days to talk about this and then after, you have figure it out and/or let It go, I don’t want to hear about it anymore and if you are still talking about this same thing in a week, we aren’t going to to see each other. “ It was a hard wake up call that she was obviously tired of hearing the same sad story every time she saw and tired of seeing me sad and so she gave me time to speak but once she could offer no new advice or insight, she simply said this to me. People may have opinions about that but dealing with rough stuff can be emotionally draining for everybody and just because you are a friend doesn’t mean you have to hear it all day long, every day where nothing ever changes. Then a few weeks later, she would ask how things were about that certain subject and as I had new updates, she also felt she had newer things to add however she did remain stern on not letting me talk about anything more than 1 week if I was really upset. In her eyes, as well as mine, finding solutions was always key. I ended up doing the same for her. I think as I said before we can become addicted to those feelings and emotions and then it is all we feel. So maybe it’s time boundaries were set and limits set because it can be extremely emotionally draining for the both of you and talking in circles regarding heavy topics at length never helped anyone get any better. Sending you strength and light to overcome all that is difficult. Anita

Crystal Rhineberger

2.29k

professional rofl nevermind lets just wing it

08/01/20 at 8:52AM UTC

Thank u!

Julie Pilat

Music & Tech Exec in LA & Idea Fountain Host.

08/01/20 at 3:32AM UTC

I know people who have attended al-anon (support network for friends & family of alcoholics) and really benefitted from meetings. With everything being on line now.... it may be easy for you to drop in on one with your friend. Good luck & sending healing to the relationship.