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Talking behind people's backs
My new manager always talks about other employees behind their backs ( to be clear: not in a good way).
The other day, I was part of a meeting within and my colleague when he made comments about another employee's 'incompetence'. I know this employee pretty well.
While my colleague laughed and agreed with him (she does this with her superiors), I was very uncomfortable.
What would you do in this situation?
Jen
Interdisciplinary Educator
138
09/07/20 at 3:24PM UTC
One of the things about trust is that we believe we are trustworthy, but rarely trust any of our coworkers. And when someone shares information that you do not need, it makes us trust them even less. This does not sound like a healthy work culture. Be careful what you say, because chances are, someone's waiting to share what you say with anyone willing to hear gossip.
Anonymous
09/07/20 at 11:48AM UTC
Apparently, it sounds like this is how the new manager operates with probabilities that he did behaved this way at his last job. Remember the words that leaves his lips are a reflection of him and not of the person who it’s about.
Myself, I would go to LinkedIn to learn more about him anonymously and see what former employer associates might be communicating on Glassdoor.
You could be next. Prepare yourself. Wisdom is to be silent.
Anonymous
09/07/20 at 1:49AM UTC (Edited)
If you can, it’s worth pointing out the person’s achievements or positive attributes, if any. “Person X is great at/did a good job on/is always [insert achievement or attribute.] “
Follow up with Gretchen Skalka’s: “What are your concerns and the best way we can help Person X do better?”
If you aren’t comfortable speaking up, stay silent.
You can also assume that your manager and colleague are saying this kind of thing about others— and perhaps you!— and are trying to suss out whether you are receptive to this type of malicious gossip and scapegoating.
In the bigger picture, your new manager and colleague are toxic. If this harmful pattern continues, consider looking for a transfer within your company or a new job. At minimum, distance yourself from this backstabbing.
Yvia AivzbeltStrong-willed woman
37
09/06/20 at 2:57PM UTC
If you knew the person they're referring to, it would be better to correct them in a nice and subtle way which may sound non- offensive to the manager's part but not sound defensive for the employee they're talking too. As a leader, the Manager should act accordingly in order to gain respect among his subordinates. If he's doing this to some person it would probably end up talking also behind your back to the other people. So, it would be proper to correct them by sharing your opinion in a manner no one will get hurt(on feelings ?). I have encountered several person like this and sometimes I myself sounded like this(unaware) but my colleagues has been discussing me in a nice way which in one way or another everyone of us gets aware of our actions and corrected immediately.
Jodie JohnsonIntegrity Matters!
243
09/06/20 at 2:31AM UTC
This is so unprofessional! I just dealt with a "boss" like this at the gym I'm no longer working for. Very malicious! Beware of these people when they are in a position of power because everything you hear, they most likely are saying about others too (including you) and don't ever make the mistake of repeating anything nasty that you overhear to others in the office. Try and look down and "pretend" to be taking "notes" and if the commentary gets even worse, be sure to document it at home in a notebook/file. All the best! ;)
Anonymous
09/05/20 at 11:13PM UTC
Talking behind others backs was the norm at my last employer, one of the most successful global Pharmaceutical companies. I was so used to it and now in a different company where people don't do it I realise how toxic and unprofessional it was and am surprised it was tolerated. I learned my lesson and don't participate in it anymore. It's a mistake to get involved and people always find out.
Mandy TroutenEverything at www.mariese-skincare.com
765
09/05/20 at 3:57PM UTC (Edited)
Thankfully, I can't say that I've ever had that problem and, now, I'm self-employed. However, if I had, I would likely have responded by saying glowing things about the person in question or by pointing out that the "incompetence" being spoken of is done by nearly everyone, is in line with company practices, etc. If it was anyone but the store manager, I would have spoken to the store manager or another manager above this person later. I was fortunate to be on excellent terms with one or more of the upper managers in my last few jobs. This occasionally came in handy, whether for problems with lower managers or with coworkers.
At one store, I had a manager who took a strong disliking to me immediately. Of course, she was racist and apparently had an insecurity complex toward new people with prior experience. It sucked for her when a regular customer that she loved like family told her that I was the amazing cashier from another store that her young daughters always wanted to stop by to see... Lol. More to the point, though, there were a few instances of her telling me to do things that pissed off customers and were against company policy. I did them b/c she was the manager. Then, the next day, I talked to an upper manager to clarify how such things are supposed to be done b/c I would not have put it past her to blame me when things went wrong. Later that day, I saw her looking suspiciously at me and didn't have that particular problem again. :)
At the last store, there were a few instances of coworkers doing stupidly dangerous things--like trying to pull the chicken too early. When I corrected him on that (as was the practice in that store), he replied that I'm not the manager. I politely acknowledged that indisputable fact and then excused myself, to get the manager. Petty things are able to be overlooked and I made a point of not involving managers over petty things. However, improperly cooked chicken is not petty.
If you have the relationship with an upper manager or HR to be able to do so, I would definitely talk to them about this new manager. Gossiping about coworkers and slandering them, downplaying their skills, etc., especially to other coworkers, is extremely unprofessional and can cause immense harm--to the people involved and, by extension, to the company.
Tracie WalkerParalegal In Tennessee
180
09/05/20 at 3:51PM UTC
Agree ? with what has been said; don’t engage with the manager. I have worked in environments like this; anytime a manager is making disparaging remarks about employees, the culture is toxic. Take this as a warning to be positive, and always have something kind to say; this will keep you from being in the same category as them. In the meantime, find another job, you don’t want to stay at a place where the manger doesn’t respect his employees.
Beth CaldwellFounder of Leadership Academy for Women
572
09/05/20 at 2:53PM UTC
This situation calls for bravery, for sure. Don't be hard on yourself for not doing anything at the moment, most of us would be surprised and thrown off by a manager behaving that way. This is a new manager, so now that you are getting advice you can be prepared for how to handle this the next time. I have found that a good response is saying something simple like this:
"I disagree. I've always found Jane to be ______." That usually ends the conversation. If it continues or if it happens again you could say something like this. "That is not a part of the agenda. Let's get back on focus." If it persists, you could continue by saying, "I would hate for us to have to defend this conversation in HR. Perhaps we should get back on topic."
Keeping your comments professional and non emotional are key, and this positions YOU as the leader in the room. Hopefully it will position you for a promotion, too. There are more helpful tips in this presentation from FairyGodBoss that happened in May.
Watch the recording here: https://fairygodboss.com/events/BkcGjRk8I/conquering-conflict-and-addressing-awkward
Good luck with this awkward situation!
Jennifer HaimovichTalent Development Professional
19
09/05/20 at 2:31PM UTC
Completely agreed with Dawn! People who do this are often looking for validation, so your silence and lack of reaction does speak volumes! Over time, they’ll know you don’t partake in gossip and you’ll build your reputation of being supportive and professional.
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