Mediation between 2 strong willed employees

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Courtney Davenport

11/11/20 at 4:01PM UTC

Management

Mediation between 2 strong willed employees

I have 2 remote employees who office together who formerly adored each other. One of them manages the other and she is very new at management. She is also younger by 20 years. She is accusing the older subordinate of being gossipy and says she can not trust her as a team mate. The older subordinate is very much a "mother hen" and does like to be involved in everything in the office, but is also a strong team member and helps keep everyone organized. They are 3 hours remote from me, and I foresee me having to drive there to mediate between them. Any advice to build a bridge between these 2?

13 Comments

Crystal Rhineberger

2.06k

professional rofl nevermind lets just wing it

11/11/20 at 4:18PM UTC

Whew what a tough one! Definitely neutral listening... maybe highlighting some professional balances these two could bring each other? While it sounds like they may never get along... maybe some active listening will help the defense. Too many times one is trying to be “helpful” and the other feels “hindered” and wow have I seen something ugly stuff go down. Many times I have had to be in your position and I did not care it. Make sure you also point out your perspective is an outside one and that there isnt a certain view point other than successful work which is what is needed

User edited comment on 11/11/20 at 4:18PM UTC

Diane Isler

Business Coach and Consultant

11/11/20 at 5:06PM UTC

It sounds like you have a difficult situation. As the manager, I understand your instinct to mediate the situation. Mediation implies there are two warring parties. I humbly suggest that you change your approach to one of a team needing coaching. Acting as a coach, you put more of the responsibility for solving the issue on the team members, which promotes their investment in the solution. In my experience, team issues usually can be traced to: - unclear or misaligned goals (individual goals or team goals) - personality conflict - trust deficit Here are a few ideas that have worked well for me in solving team issues: 1) Active questioning and listening: try to understand all of the "why's" behind what each person is feeling. Once you understand the underlying issues, you can move forward with one or more of the following ideas. 2) Reframe and refocus: what are their goals and priorities as individuals and as a team? Are all of them aligned? How are their behaviors and habits contributing to the achievement of their shared objectives? 3) Understanding each other: I use assessments often in team building. For this purpose, any of them will work (Myers-Briggs, DISC, VIA character survey, Enneagram, etc.). Sharing the results with each other can often open communication about how we are different and alike - often revealing that the "hurt feelings" are actually due to differences in personality orientation (rather than the imagined bad intention). Understanding differences can mend fences and lead to working more smoothly in future. (BTW, if you don't feel equipped to facilitate an assessment and discussion, many companies have folks in HR who can assist). 4) Visioning session: Where do we want to be in x years? How do each of you want to be remembered? What's moving us toward that vision? What's holding us back? How can we spend more of our time on the activities that move us forward vs those that hold us back? As you facilitate the discussion, let both parties to share in "venting" as well as crafting a path forward. I always allocate more time on the agenda to the future plan, to let everyone know that our focus is in laying a productive path forward. I hope this helps!

2 Replies

Tami Brown

108

Manager in Chilton, WI

11/11/20 at 5:41PM UTC

Thank you for sharing, this is great advice!

Courtney Davenport

11/11/20 at 5:42PM UTC

That's very helpful, thank you. I like the idea of putting the responsibility back on them because I think this will be a good learning opportunity for this new manager. I'm going to see if my company has access to any tools regarding the personality assessment tests that you mentioned. Regarding #1, do you recommend doing this with them together in the same room or separately as a one on one with me? Also, how much of this should I put back on the manager of the office who is new to leadership? I worry that a continued role in this will cause them to "tattle" on each other to me in the future and I want to avoid that.

1 Reply

Diane Isler

Business Coach and Consultant

11/11/20 at 7:26PM UTC

Regarding #1 - I recommend speaking to each separately in order for you to plan your approach, and then together to implement the next steps. Letting them "vent" to you privately can help diffuse the situation without any hurt feelings. Help them process their frustration in terms of how to better move forward, so they are ready to chart a course forward when you bring them together. I recommend you facilitate creation of the plan using their ideas and let the manager of the office implement the plan. It will be important to give both of them specific roles and responsibilities in the plan. Part of the plan should be formal joint progress checks with you. One other thing to consider: one person's "gossip" can be another person's "networking." I would carefully explore what is positive and negative about office communication. There could be a lot going on here. Could the younger person be jealous of the other's connections? You could explore this as a strength. Overuse of a strength becomes a weakness, so learning when to draw the line is important. Maybe the more experienced "networker" needs additional outlets for communication? Perhaps give her more responsibility for office communication via a newsletter?

Anonymous

11/11/20 at 5:30PM UTC

Welcome to managing different generations! There comes a point when the manager may have outgrown or feels that they have outgrown the need for a mother hen. So its time for the relationship to change. You have to coach that change. I went through this as a senior member on a team. It was a true learning experience to let go and let whatever was meant to be their learnings happen. Once they hit the wall a couple of times the relationship changed again for the better. The gossipy factor and lack of trust has to be rooted out and both parties need to discuss it honestly so that if there is a chance to repair the trust it happens. It sounds like boundaries need to be fairly set so that the mother hen knows what is appropriate. There will be some hurt feelings in this....

1 Reply

Courtney Davenport

11/11/20 at 5:45PM UTC

Yes, this generations thing is tough. I need to help this person realizes that by gossiping, she is undermining the trust the manager has placed in her. I agree that discussing it honestly will help.

2 Replies

Anonymous

11/11/20 at 6:41PM UTC

Communications styles of the generations is something in this mix too....back in the day the person that was the glue knew everything and was for lack of a better way to say it the feeder of information that kept it on track or kept folks out of trouble etc....as time goes on it can become gossip. Somewhere a line crossed and became a habit. This person may have a real fear they will be displaced - and that fear drives the need to know everything - dissect everything etc....almost like an addiction....without clear examples and what the destruction is that is being caused....all this person will see is emotion and hurt. After that clear boundaries are needed with the new skills expected and where this person can go to be retrained. It sounds to me who is 58 that this person may not know how to act as a subordinate vs act as mom...(families gossip)..and without first hand observation of where in their dynamic they are setting this up - the new manager may be feeding this without even realizing....

Anonymous

11/12/20 at 6:27PM UTC

I think you also need to understand what the gossip is. I had this problem with workers who back before I was a manager used to call me to find out what our boss might have said to me (because they knew I was being groomed for her job), ask questions about things they heard, and speculate about things. It was uncomfortable, but as a manager, it's also a potential liability because at best, it fosters these awkward situations and at worst, it could breed toxicity or lead to people having wrong ideas about the company, co-workers or something else going on. If it's gossip about how their assistant got a new puppy then great! We just need to get alone. But if it's work gossip? No thanks!

User edited comment on 11/12/20 at 6:28PM UTC

User deleted comment on 11/11/20 at 5:42PM UTC

Anonymous

11/11/20 at 6:30PM UTC

Would be interesting to understand what happened to make the manager feel like she can no longer trust the other. It almost sounds like she felt betrayed as a friend, and is struggling to separate their friendship from their work relationship. It could be that the "mother hen" did something that she didn't even realize that she did. There are a couple people like that in the group I work in, and I find it smothering. I know that they mean well, but every time they try to help it drives me nuts. Thankfully, I have a close enough relationship with one of them that I can teasingly roll my eyes at her and say thanks mom when she does it. Sometimes though, a well timed bathroom break or realization that you "forgot" something in your car can help me separate from the situation. Are you their direct manager, or someone who has just heard about the situation? If you are a direct manager, you might find someone that is a complete outsider to mediate so that both of the people can trust that they are working with a neutral party and what they say won't jeopardize their relationship with you. The mediator should have separate meetings with each to get an understanding of what the root of the problem is. Once armed with this information, have a meeting with the two of them together. It might be uncomfortable for everyone involved, but no one grows if they always stay within their comfort zone. Personally, I think that you can do something like this over zoom, just make sure that video is on so that whoever is mediating can see the nonverbal cues. Once everyone has had their say (in a non-malicious way) and the problem is out in the open, brainstorming can happen to find a solution and path forward everyone is happy with. The mediator shouldn't come up with the actual solution, but instead help guide their brainstorming so that they can come up with a solution together. Like Crystal said, pointing out their strengths and how working together they can lean on each other and learn from each other is a great strategy. Another good thing to point out is that not working together is not an option. If you are mediating, and they are both being too stubborn and don't want to figure out a solution, you could tell them that it would be an inconvenience for you to come out there in person. Make it clear that it is something that you will do, because that is how important them working successfully together is to you and the company, but you won't like having to do it. Some people are motivated by helping themselves and some are motivated by their impact on others; it could be that inconveniencing you is greater motivation for them to solve the problem than actually helping themselves. Despite this being a tough situation, the silver lining is that they used to be friends. So at some point they were able to see eye to eye on things. The key will be in getting them to remember that. While they might never be able to be friends like they were, it could be enough of a foundation to build a solid working relationship on. Good luck!

1 Reply

Anonymous

11/11/20 at 8:24PM UTC

This conversation has been a very positive read and healthy. I am trained in DiSC and have used it frequently for my own challenges. Hearing this discussion has helped me see that the way the leadership in my situation is handling things is not healthy and I may need to seek outside help or move on. Thank you!

Anonymous

11/12/20 at 6:22PM UTC

I think part of the coaching needs to be ascertaining if this is a personality difference or a work problem especially if you are justifying bad behavior on either side because of good past experiences. For example, what is she gossipy about? It's one thing if a co-worker likes to gossip about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. It's another if they're gossiping about Jan in HR. If she is gossiping about the company, about other co-workers or about the business that is a situation that needs to be addressed because it isn't healthy and could lead to larger problems. You need to seek to understand what the worker means in her allegations. From the sound of it the mother hen teammate is a potential liability if what the other worker is saying is true. Finding the validity of those claims will likely tell you how to proceed. Mediating between them will only ensure they are playing along with each other, but I think you need to take the concerns of the coworker seriously.

Courtney Davenport

11/16/20 at 3:56PM UTC

Hi everyone, Some clarification on some of the questions asked: *The gossiping was about other people who work at the company. One story was about how an employee did not want to call 911 after a customer fell at a location(which turned out to be false). The other stories are mostly that she complains about people in the company and the other employees don't want to get on her "bad side" *I have since learned that the subordinate may have been let go from another job for trying to get someone fired. *I am the direct manager of the manager. Update to the situation, I spoke to the manager on Friday afternoon. There are no fireable offences here, so I told the manager that she needed to provide coaching and counseling to the subordinate and help her understand how she may be damaging relationships by speaking negatively about co-workers. I offered some of the talking points above about reframing how we communicate as a team in the office. If the subordinate has a legitimate concern about someone, there are ways to communicate that effectively without being gossipy. I told the manager that I am happy to support her any way I can. I offered to physically to go down there and meet with the manager to help develop her talking points and her plan to move forward with accountability for the subordinate, or even to be in the room when she has the conversation (which I hope she doesn't select, because I feel this will make the subordinate defensive). I told her to think about it over the weekend and let me know how I can best support her choice but the message needs to come from her as the leader in the office. At this point, my gut says the subordinate doesn't realize how damaging her comments can be and that coaching would help her realize and repair her relationships. Ultimately, it will be up to her to improve or not.